The process of ‘finding me!’ continues – mainly because I’m too scared of sliding backwards down the slippery slope! But that being said I am, dear reader, by and large, finding the experience interesting and enlightening. Even though the path continues to be somewhat bumpy.
What I wish I could rid myself of are the bouts of cast-iron self-doubt. Those moments which wake me in the night and then haunt me through the small hours.
That and the “How could he” moments. I’ve managed to abandon the “Why” and “What if” ones. What I continually face are the “How could he have done this to me given what we had” – moments. And it’s no good everyone pointing out to me that he has and that I am where I am – because I know that!!
I also know all too well that my version of the ‘truth’ and Alex’s will be different BUT, BUT, BUT they can’t be that different. Not at the time. At the time he laughed and seemed to be pleased and happy to be with me. He cared. We loved. I don’t care what anyone says. They weren’t there. I was.
How come he has re-written history to such an extent? How come he has been able to convince himself of some ‘new truth’. How come his whole character has changed.
How come – despite everything – I still care, I still miss him, I’m still sad. How come he won’t ever see the New Me and won’t realise what he has lost.
Because in Finding the new Me there is still a big Oh! And there’s still a large shark of self-doubt and regret and sadness snapping just behind me.