Finding Me! Oh!

The process of  ‘finding me!’ continues – mainly because I’m too scared of sliding backwards down the slippery slope!  But that being said I am, dear reader,  by and large, finding the experience interesting and enlightening. Even though the path continues to be somewhat bumpy.

What I wish I could rid myself of are the bouts of cast-iron self-doubt.  Those moments which wake me in the night and then haunt me through the small hours.

That and the “How could he” moments. I’ve managed to abandon the “Why” and “What if” ones. What I continually face are the “How could he have done this to me given what we had” – moments.  And it’s no good everyone pointing out to me that he has and that I am where I am – because I know that!!

I also know all too well that my version of the ‘truth’ and Alex’s will be different BUT, BUT, BUT they can’t be that different.  Not at the time. At the time he laughed and seemed to be pleased and happy to be with me. He cared.  We loved.   I don’t care what anyone says. They weren’t there.  I was. 

How come he has re-written history to such an extent?  How come he has been able to convince himself of some ‘new truth’.  How come his whole character has changed.

How come – despite everything – I still care, I still miss him,  I’m still sad.  How come he won’t ever see the New Me and won’t realise what he has lost.

Because in Finding the new Me  there is still a big Oh!  And there’s still a large shark of self-doubt and regret and sadness snapping just behind me.

7 thoughts on “Finding Me! Oh!

  1. I wish I could say something comforting. I think you are working through the self-doubt and will come out on the other side soon. I deal with the same thing. I try so hard to embrace “what is” instead of longing for “what was.” I saw D at a grandchild’s soccer game last weekend. I can see very clearly how wounded he is. I know the divorce had a profound effect on him, too. I wavered between wanted to take care of him and being very grateful that I no longer have to live with his woundedness, which I know I cannot fix any more than he can fix mine.

    Keep going and keep writing. Hugs.

  2. Oh, know this path all too well. And I too get frustrated when people brush me off with a “well, T was obviously unhappy”. If this is true, he deserves an Oscar for his performance as happy family man…
    As usual, I think it’s more complicated than that. I (and perhaps you too) are more or less consciously dwelling on the good bits of our past relationships, whereas our exes are obviously focusing on the bad bits. And because in both cases, this selective memory underlies our faith in the fact that we are right, neither side is likely to relinquish. His “new” truth is true, and so is yours in other words…
    I struggle with the same concept, and the same regret that he will not get to see the new me, that I still believe there wasn’t anything in our relationship which couldn’t be fixed. He just didn’t want to fix it anymore.
    If I remember rightly from past heartbreak, all this agonising pales into insignificance once you have met someone you feel like sharing your life with again. Roll on that day!
    x

    • I totally agree. Alex is focusing on the bad bits – the ONE time I lost my temper! The fact he felt he ‘couldn’t talk to me’ despite managing perfectly well for a large part of our life together!!! Versions of the truth and each to their own.

      As you say roll on the day we meet someone new! And someone who really cares!

  3. Caroline,
    I know I’ve said it before, but the different views may not actually have anything to do with you at all. In my case, my husband was in a really bad emotional place NOT related to me, made a bad choice, and then had to find some way to explain it to make himself feel better….so he rewrote history, and then had to un-rewrite it in order to stay with me. For a brief period, I was a completely perfect angel, absolutely without fault. While a part of me enjoyed that, I am just a regular woman with as many flaws as the next person, so back to the rewriting…how many times can you rewrite events before they become unrecognizable to anyone??

    The best explanation I’ve read was written by another blogger whose marriage ended with a brick (literally) – check out “Didn’t You See the Signs?” at http://mikaleebyerman.wordpress.com/2010/11/01/didnt-you-see-the-signs/.

    • Just visited – brilliant explanation!!

      What I find scary is when people do totally re-write history – on a global scale this has been done by dictators and governments to justify their actions and cover up things which they’d prefer not to face. I may write a post of the subject!!!

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