I’ve been mentally bracing myself for the past 3 weeks or so for the envelope to drop into my post box telling me I am now a divorced woman.
I’ve been winding myself up to acknowledge that it is only a piece of paper and that as such it won’t make a blind bit of difference to my situation. Everything will be the same.
Today I had an email from my solicitor – yet more delays as Alex’s solicitor didn’t send all the financial agreement information to the court. So now there will be more delays. The double-edged sword of the end game.
Part of me breathes a sigh of relief – I don’t have to face the final hurdle yet. Part of me wishes it was all over. So I can have my final outburst of tears and – hopefully – then bolt the door of my wonderful marriage and surprising break-up behind me. I am still incredulous at what’s happened. I still can’t believe he did it. Even though I know he has! I know it’s now more than two and a half years and the logical, sensible part of me keeps telling me to pull myself together. And I am. Mostly!! It’s just part of me keeps shouting in my ear – you shouldn’t be here!!
And I am not in ‘victim’ mode this evening either. More just still feeling ‘surprised’. The surreal nature of it all (which I’ve written about before) still hangs around.
I love the ‘me’ I’ve found. I just happen to want it all – even though, if I’m honest, I’m no longer sure what “It All” actually is anymore. I just know that this isn’t it – it’s partly it but not totally. There has to be more. This has to be a staging post. A place where I don’t want to linger longer than I have to.
So the double-edged sword of today has been unsettling. It’s left me dithering on what I want and wish for. Which is silly as one of those things is unobtainable. And I don’t actually know if I really want it anymore! I just think I might!!