The Double Edged Sword

I’ve been mentally bracing myself for the past 3 weeks or so for the envelope to drop into my post box telling me I am now a divorced woman.

I’ve been winding myself up to acknowledge that it is only a piece of paper and that as such it won’t make a blind bit of difference to my situation.  Everything will be the same.

Today I had an email from my solicitor – yet more delays as Alex’s solicitor didn’t send all the financial agreement information to the court.  So now there will be more delays.  The double-edged sword of the end game.

Part of me breathes a sigh of relief  – I don’t have to face the final hurdle yet.  Part of me wishes it was all over.  So I can have my final outburst of tears and – hopefully –  then bolt the door of my wonderful marriage and surprising break-up behind me.  I am still incredulous at what’s happened. I still can’t believe he did it.  Even though I know he has!  I know it’s now more than two and a half years and the logical, sensible part of me keeps telling me to pull myself together.  And I am.  Mostly!!  It’s just part of me keeps shouting in my ear – you shouldn’t be here!!

And I am not in ‘victim’ mode this evening either. More just still feeling ‘surprised’.  The surreal nature of it all (which I’ve written about before) still hangs around.

I love the ‘me’ I’ve found.  I just happen to want it all – even though, if I’m honest, I’m no longer sure what “It All” actually is anymore. I just know that this isn’t it – it’s partly it but not totally.  There has to be more. This has to be a staging post.  A place where I don’t want to linger longer than I have to.

So the double-edged sword of today has been unsettling.  It’s left me dithering on what I want and wish for. Which is silly as one of those things is unobtainable. And I don’t actually know if I really want it anymore!  I just think I might!!


9 thoughts on “The Double Edged Sword

  1. My hope for you: The day the papers arrive you will be having a stupendously wonderful day and you will look at final edict and shout “hallelujah it’s finally over!” It could happen. 🙂

  2. It is certainly a strange time. The process I went through took AGES and I really needed it to be over and a financial settlement agreed. I expected to feel relief, and I did, but I also remember a sort of still sadness settled on me (although it was no way near as scary as I thought it would be). You do move on and it is an important part of the process. I do hope that life will find a way to be kind to you in coping (admirably) with all that you are. Jacqueline

  3. My thoughts while reading this is that you’re nearly on top of this situation. It is not your action that keeps you bound to it, but the best part is that you’re loving the “you” that is being uncovered. You do not need to linger…you need to grow…set a pace to distance yourself from this portion of your past and once the final papers are in, you’ll be well on your way to simply being happy wtihout him in your life…

    And yes…you’re right…there is more…so unbind yourself…breathe….


  4. Conflicting emotions. I feel the same way. every act that takes me closer to divorce rips my heart apart and at the same time I just want it all over.
    I’m still in shock, and disbelief and can not fathom that the woman I married is capable of infidelity.
    As I was signing papers to retain the attorney the other day, I let slip a “shit” from my mouth, The administrative assistant gasped and said, “is something wrong with the paperwork? and I said “no…I just don’t want to be getting divorced.”

    I still feel that way and yet I know I could never be back with X. I want what I know I will not take. Mostly though i think I just want J out of my son’s life as that is where my true failure manifests.

  5. ooopppss….hit the reply before I was done.
    Your double edged sword is a part of the process of letting go and continuing to find the new you… and the optimism, hope and faith you had in the marriage still holds you.

    No matter how rational we can be about it, the emotional part of it is conflicting.

    • I hope so. Limbo seems to be giving me a whole stack of “How could he’s” which isn’t desperately helpful!!!

      And I know what Stephen is going to say tomorrow!! I’m doing it to myself!

  6. Ha, I’m with you and LFBA all the way on the surprise element: I still cannot believe what T has done and how fast he has thrown everything away. Like you I am waiting for the final papers telling me I’m un-PACSed with mixed emotions: I am not ready, this is not what I wanted and I haven’t accepted it really. At the same time part of me wants this final hurdle to be over.
    So anyway, I understand, and you know what it’s lovely to have you guys along on this horrible path of misfortune! xx

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