My vision of my future

OK so I’ve just been re-reading Stephen  (Life Coach)’s comments on my Limbo Land post and his suggestion that I share with you all my vision of my future and what that will be like.

So here goes:

My future will be filled with love and passion with someone who will truly love me and stand beside me, care for me and be there for me.  Protect me in a manly way.  Love me for who I am.  Not demean me or want to turn me into someone I’m not.  Will encourage me to be bold and feminine,  and will understand my need for Love, Growth, Security and Significance!

My future will be fun with lots of laughter where I can be outrageous when I want to be!

My future will involve lots of travel to out-of-the-way places where I can stand with ‘my man’ beside me and watch the sun come up over the horizon.

My future will be caring and giving.  In my future I will listen and be listened to.  I will be wise.  I will be girlie and feminine. I will be vulnerable but I will protect.  I will have the wisdom to say what I think without alienating the listener.

I will be fit and healthy.  I will not return to being afraid.  I won’t change me into what I think others want me to be (something I’ve been brilliant at before).

I will be a better photographer than I am now.  I will be better at playing the piano and speaking french!

These are the things I truly want.

But I imagine that’s what most people want (leaving out the photography, piano and french)!  So what makes me unique. What makes my vision different from everyone else’s.  Perhaps that’s the point.  Mine isn’t any different from all the rest.

So what are my goals?

Well my GOAL has always been to be happy.  And wow would I be if I got the future I want and desire!

So clearly I now need to set myself goals to achieve my GOAL.

Well short of standing in the middle of my local town with a “Free Hugs” sign above my head (which by the way I think is a brilliant exercise  – and one I’d be happy to participate in with others!) I feel at a bit of a loss on what my goals should be!

After all I’m studying French, I’m playing the piano, going to photography group, I’m on 3 internet dating sites……….

So clearly I need help in setting more goals, or different goals.

I want to grab my future!  I want to grab it now!  And I know I’ll get it (in the purest sense of the word!).  But I still feel I’m missing a trick somewhere.

Words make a difference

My outlook on my day can totally change depending on the words I use either on this blog or just to myself!

Doh!  I can almost hear you saying, dear reader, ‘has she only just realised that’!!

But it’s amazing how I do this without realising.  On Wednesday Stephen (LC) picked me up for saying on this blog that I was – and I quote – mentally bracing myself for the past 3 weeks or so for the envelope to drop into my post box telling me I am now a divorced woman.

I got my knuckles metaphorically wrapped for saying something so negative which will keep me stuck.  (You see this Life Coaching is relentless – in a good way I hasten to add – as there’s no getting away with any type of  even slightly negative post without being challenged!!)

And I can see that saying what I did doesn’t actually put me in an empowering, positive, forward looking frame of mind – does it!

I did it again last night in an email to Stephen in reply to him about my goal setting (which I acknowledge hasn’t been that buzzy!) I responded with:

“It’s been enough today to keep reminding myself to stand tall!”  What’s spooky is he hasn’t said anything – which is almost worse!  I feel like a naughty schoolgirl who hasn’t been paying enough attention in class and is now producing mediocre homework!!

So I’m going to be much more careful in future and really consciously change what I say – either on this blog or to myself –  if I find I’m using ‘stuck’ words and use unstuck ones instead.

So I’ve changed my “bracing myself……” statement to:

“When my divorce papers finally land on the mat I’m going to have a party to celebrate the fact that my future is now mine to do with as I wish, with whoever I wish and my solicitor won’t be sending me any more bills!”

I am going to have a lovely weekend this weekend, as the weather is going to be good I believe so I can go out and about with my camera and capture some early autumn colours, make the most of my freedom as I’m working all weekend next weekend and enjoy the company of friends!

I am going to unstick myself this weekend!!

And just out of interest, dear reader,  what ‘stuck’ things do you say to yourself and what could you say instead?  And if you change what you say to yourself, what do you notice within you when you do?

I’d love to know so please do comment as I’m sure this is all good healing stuff and maybe we can help each other!

Maya Angelou – A woman should have …

I’ve just been sent this by email.  It’s too good not to share:

enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own,
even if she never wants to or needs to…
something perfect to wear if the employer,
or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour…

a youth she’s content to leave behind….
a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to retelling it in her old age….
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…
one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry…

a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family…
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal,
that will make her guests feel honored…

a feeling of control over her destiny…
how to fall in love without losing herself..

how to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend without;
ruining the friendship….

when to try harder… and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…

that she can’t change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
that her childhood may not have been perfect…but it’s over…

what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more…
how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…

whom she can trust,
whom she can’t,
and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

where to go…
be it to her best friend’s kitchen table..
or a charming Inn in the woods…
when her soul needs soothing…

What she can and can’t accomplish in a day…
a month…and a year…

So who’s your role model?

Yesterday was an emotional day.  Yesterday Stephen (life coach) asked me who my Role Model was.  This took me a while to answer.

He wanted me to give him the name of the woman I most admired and would like to model my life on.  And actually this turned out to be my Mum.

My mother was an amazing woman.  She gave us a very loving, caring and supportive childhood. Always encouraging us to achieve our greatest potential without ever being over pushy, always listening, setting standards and teaching us to deal with issues – never to run.  She made a decision early on that we would have a different childhood from her own.  That she wouldn’t inflict on us the childhood she’d had. 

Her parents had divorced when she was about 10 (in an era when divorce turned her into a pariah at school as divorce was so rare and so treated with social stigma), leaving her and her younger sister with her mother.  Her sister died of TB/meningitis at the age of 15.  Her father then spent the rest of his life resenting his remaining daughter and she went through vast periods in her life where her father refused to have any contact with her.  Her mother became very ‘clingy’ and tried to stop her getting married.

Out of this background blossomed a woman who was incredibly wise, funny, feminine, girly and vulnerable.  She supported my father totally, always encouraging him in his businesses and hobbies.  People used to seek her advice on their problems and usually take it.  She encouraged everyone to ‘stand tall’, be proud of who they were and to give to others. She was an amazingly giving person.

My mother-in-law couldn’t have been more different.  And I now see that in my desire to fit in to my husband’s family I changed. Subtly over the 17 years of my marriage I stopped being me.  I stopped ‘standing tall’.  I started to stoop. To lower my horizons.  I gave and gave and encouraged Alex to be who I believed he wanted to be. The trouble is I didn’t get much genuine encouragement back. Yes he would, from time to time, suggest I took up flying again or learn to paint. But I always felt as if the encouragement was pushing me away from him rather than being supportive and loving.

So – hard as it is to have to admit this – our marriage lacked growth because half of the partnership was taking and not giving – and I allowed that to happen.

So who is your role model? And Why?  And are you sure – to the very bottom of your heart – that he/she is the right role model to have.  If you have modelled your life, or your recent past, – consciously or sub-consciously –  on this person and now find things aren’t the way you feel they should be then perhaps now is the time to have a re-think!

Yesterday I re-introduced myself to my true role model.  Yesterday afternoon I cried a great deal. Yesterday turned out to be a very important day!  Yesterday I remembered how to stand tall.

Limbo Land

There are two fantastic things about blogging (well there are probably more!  But there are, for me, two top bonuses!).

The first is the support. The great comments: The encouragement, the understanding and sympathy, the challenging ones, the discussions, the different views on various posts, the coaching ones (thanks Stephen).  All of which help massively and remind me I’m not alone.  And even though I started this blog so I could support myself and remind myself of my goal the reality has been so much more than I’d ever imagined, as in moments of doubt  – which, as you know dear reader have been somewhat frequent –  I now feel that not only must I not let myself down but neither must I let you down, by ‘failing’.

The second is the blog itself.  The posts and the history the posts themselves have created.  The different stages I’ve been through and the emotions I’ve had.  So I can now look back and see how far I’ve come, see those different stages from where I am now.  Remind myself of those moments of clarity and hope. That I can and will re-capture my future.

And what my future needs is adventure.  As I wrote a few months ago adventure is what I need.  My problem at the moment is I can’t afford great adventures.  So somewhere along the line, until I can, I need to create some little adventures!

I learnt a great deal last weekend.  Don’t get me wrong I had a fun time. I enjoyed the company of those I already knew.  But actually going on an almighty ‘piss up’ isn’t really me!  And I struggled to find things in common with the majority of the people there.  Our only link was one Radio 2 show and its presenter! I felt like a bystander and I have a shrewd suspicion I behaved like one which probably didn’t endear me to my fellows. If it hadn’t been the presence of one particular couple who I’ve known for a while I think I might have ‘bolted’!

So I feel a bit like a teenager all over again flailing around searching for the right adventures!  Which is also why I feel in Limbo Land.  And Limbo Land is not a great place to be as I then hark back to my past and what I had with Alex (which was lots of great adventures!).

So yes, before Stephen (Life Coach) reminds me – yet again – that I do this to myself (which I DO KNOW!), I need to stop looking back and wishing, and keep looking forward and wishing  – and taking action!

I need to treat Limbo Land as my launching pad and re-capture my future.  But I have to say it’s somewhat difficult and harder than I imagined. I’m very impressed by those who’ve done it. But those who have at least give me hope that I can too – even if it appears to be taking me a great deal longer than it did for them.

So what did you do dear reader to create and re-capture your future? Am I missing a trick?  How did you fire yourself out of Limbo Land and grab your future with both hands?