Groundhog Days

I sometimes feel my blog is one long repetition of angst interspersed with moments of hope, happiness, acceptance and steps forward!!

But maybe that’s what getting through all this is about?

Each  morning I still face the repetition of the pain of rejection.  Every so often  I have a day (well usually the Life Coaching ones!) when I learn a bit more about how to come through. Faced with my Groundhog Day existence I try various tactics to improve my life.  Although I haven’t yet tackled Ice Sculpting!

Sometimes I feel that never mind what I do, what I learn, there is still that sodding ache in the background and every morning I wake to the same tune playing in my brain  and it isn’t even “I’ve got you babe” by Sonny and Cher – which I quite like!

What’s irritating is unlike Groundhog Day the rest of the world appears, by and large, to be happily getting on with its life – they’re not repeating the same day!

So maybe, unlike the film where he only escaped his Groundhog day existence by learning how to truly, honestly give and love someone else above himself, I’ll only escape by learning how to completely fall out of love with the man I fell in love with.

I’ve filled my evenings with new activities – which I’m enjoying – as ‘keeping busy’ helps.  But maybe they are just ‘ice sculpting’ and learning how to ‘ice sculpt’ is just a distraction from the real business of falling out of love and ceasing to care.  Or maybe ‘ice sculpting’ is part of the healing. Who knows!

And like the film there are days when I honestly expect and feel I’m on the verge of escape – that I’ll wake to find I have shifted out of the repetition of the same day –  only to hear the same tune kick off once more and once more I feel as though I’m watching from the sidelines!

The only hope is it’s getting fainter!!  I do feel I am at the top of my ‘mountain’ more often than not these days.  It’s just someone’s tied me to the ground!!

I hope your day, dear reader, is one filled with growth and fun!  And ‘take offs’!! (whichever way you want to read that!!)

Thank you for your support!

Writing the letter was very important for me.  Publishing it here also mattered.  It told ‘the world’ how I feel.

Thank you, dear readers, for your comments and lovely words of encouragement and support which have been wonderful and comforting – thank you so much.  And thank you for taking time to give your views and suggestions.

Actually I don’t want Alex to be hurt. That doesn’t solve the issue at all.    What I meant (and here it is so interesting how different interpretations on my letter have been seen!) was I want Alex to discover that despite changing the geography of his surroundings and the partner he now lives with that he is still not at ease and comfortable within himself.  That the pain is still there. That the solution lies within himself rather than a different human being.

And I don’t want him to discover this through being hurt.  If that happened he would still be able to abdicate and blame someone else.  And anyway I remain steadfast in my view that I wouldn’t and don’t wish on anyone what I’ve been through.

So no being hurt (by someone else) doesn’t solve anything.  The pain has to come from within. A pain that comes from a dissatisfaction that life is not the way it should be despite having done and changed all the things he has – then and only then will he actually dig deep enough to find out why and then hopefully take the steps – those very hard steps – to look at how he can break the pattern and give himself and become the stunning human being that he wants and can be.  I married a warm-hearted, gentle, kind, lovely man.   This man also has a deep unease within himself.  Someone who finds it easier to run, block out and hide from the issues he has rather than go through the very painful task of ‘sorting them out’.  He knows.  He has said so.  He has made several attempts at facing his ‘demons’ but, I think, (and of course I can only guess as I’m not him!) that he hasn’t conquered his own unique Terror Barrier yet.

I divorced someone who is lost.

Letter to Alex – farewell

Dear Alex

Decree Absolute: 18 October 2011

So as I stare at the piece of paper which gives us our freedom from each other – I still wonder where and why it all went wrong.

But you chose your exit and I have accepted that.

We had a good time didn’t we!  Some brilliant adventures and so much fun.  I know you’ll have your own take on it all and will no doubt decide what you want to cherish  – if anything.  I know I will cherish in my heart the years we had together in so many ways.  So thank you for being part of my life for that time – I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

I’m sorry for my part in us hitting the brick wall that ended our life together.

One of the saddest things for me  – as somebody once said – “Isn’t knowing I was lied to but knowing I wasn’t worth the truth”.  That you weren’t prepared to tell me what was wrong.  I always thought of you as my best friend as well as my lover and my marital partner. The one who I could turn to. The one who would be there for me.   I thought you felt that way about me too. You behaved as though you did.

So, dearest Alex, as you disappear into your new future I hope you can at least acknowledge,  I did my best to make it easy for you.  I didn’t rant and rage.   I didn’t slag you off to any of your friends.  I didn’t insist everyone took my side. I never punished you. Throughout these last 32 months I believe I have been understanding, compassionate, helpful, and caring.

I have, I feel, behaved with immense dignity as you stamped over my feelings, smashed and drove a knife through my heart, killed our marriage, cruelly dithered about coming back and then ran from the vows we made, hurt me more than I thought it was possible to be hurt and showed me no respect .  As you hid and lied your way away from me.  I just often wonder what I did to deserve such treatment.

I cared  Alex, I cared for you more deeply than I’ve ever cared about anything in my life. I loved more deeply than I can explain. The feelings of love I had for you were incredible.

My love for you was unconditional . And so, unconditionally, I actually wish the best for you.

Maybe one day you’ll look back and wish you hadn’t done it.  Maybe you’ll realise what you’ve lost.  That you could have been the man you kept telling me you wanted to be and worked to re-kindle that time of true passion – as I wanted and hoped we could do.

Perhaps the pain of not being who you say you want to be isn’t painful enough – maybe it needs to be greater – because until the pain is so great that the true desire within you to deal with it overrides everything else,  it is so much easier to live with the ache.

So I don’t wish you well.  I wish you so much more than that:

I forgive you for what you did  –  and – tough and harsh though this sounds –  I wish you pain.

I wish the pain gets so bad that you do finally take action  – real determined, consistent, unrelenting action – and so give yourself a real chance of becoming the person deep inside who is the one you say you really want to be.  The one not living in a state of fear, trauma, isolation or weakness.  The one I thought and believed, for so long, that I’d married –  but clearly hadn’t.  The one who will then have the identity you say you’re searching for.  The one who IS able to care for someone and protect them – as I  wanted and needed to be cared for and protected. (And as you said you wanted to do for me all those months ago when I fell off my bicycle and you rescued me! ) 

The one who IS heard.  The one who is no longer afraid to speak. The one who no longer runs.  The one who no longer hides. The one who is no longer lost.  The one who knows how to give.

I have learned an amazing amount about me over the last 12 months through Stephen’s coaching.  A process that at times I’ve found very tough, incredibly confusing and desperately emotional, but also fascinating, challenging and amazingly enlightening.  I’ve kept on going as I found I just wanted to learn and know more and to dig deep enough to  find the Real, True Me.   And I now know the ‘new me’ wouldn’t and doesn’t want the ‘current you’ – the one  I’ve seen during this traumatic time –   but she does want the type of man you said you wanted to be – the one I thought you were.

You  have removed yourself from our life together, so you’ve missed out on seeing the ‘new’ feminine, ‘girlie’ me!  The me with whom you could have had the future we should and could have had and I am now sure I’ll have with someone else. A Someone who will care for me and protect me and laugh and have fun with me. A Someone who will truly love me. Someone who will always be there for me, who will argue with me and then enjoy the passion of making up!   Because by caring, protecting and loving me I’ll then feel safe to continue to be the real me.  The passionate, fun-loving, giggly, wise, caring and feminine me I’ve found.  The one you said you wanted me to be but often didn’t make me feel safe enough, or give me enough love, to be.

If you haven’t found it already then may you find your brilliant future too – the one where you love you with a passion, you are the man you say you want to be  – the protector and the carer, the giver and the lover – in fact –  where you are free from whatever it is that’s holding you back so you can be the truly amazing you.    The man who knows how to stand tall. The truly amazing man.

And lastly, I look back on all the fantastic presents you gave me over the years.  Sadly there was one thing I now realise I desperately wanted, the one thing you weren’t either free enough,  or didn’t know how, to give me……………….. yourself.

Goodbye, Good luck.

(Shame he’ll never get to read it)

The Terror Barrier

Another of Bob Proctor’s words of advice fell into my inbox this morning:

The first ten years of my life were spent in Owen Sound, Ontario. It’s a small town a few hours north of Toronto. I can vividly remember spending the summer days with my family at Harrison Park where there was a really great swimming pool. I would watch as the older kids went up the ladder to either jump or dive off the high diving board. They were having a great time. Wanting to be accepted by the older kids, I too went up the ladder … reluctantly, but I climbed it.

I will never forget the terror that gripped my mind and body when I looked down. Unfortunately, all the coaxing in the world wouldn’t have been sufficient to get me to jump off that board! There was no way I could do it. Feeling defeated, I climbed back down the ladder trying desperately to hide my embarrassment.

That was the first time in my life that I can recall coming up against the Terror Barrier. Unfortunately, not only did I lose out on the excitement and thrill that would have been gained by jumping … I also lost a little self-respect.

If you think back, you will probably be able to recall the first time you came face-to-face with the Terror Barrier. Did you step through it to freedom or back into safety, imprisoned by your own fears?

The Terror Barrier is a real entity
Now, I could waste a lot of breath telling you that the Terror Barrier is a figment as gauzy and hazy as the smoke from an extinguished campfire. But you’ll tell me differently, because fear can feel like a very real entity. What you think in your head is often acted out in your body – when faced with their Terror Barrier, people will actually break out in a cold sweat, find themselves covered in sudden hives, and even feel their hearts palpitate. Your perception is your reality! That’s how soundly your paradigms of “no” and “it can’t be done” are grounded in your Mind. Your comfortable mind will do anything it can think of to back you away from the “danger” of the unknown, just as it had me backing down those diving-board stairs.

In James Allan’s classic, “As A Man Thinketh,” he mentioned that fear can kill a person faster than a speeding bullet. While coming up against your Terror Barrier might not kill you physically, it certainly kills something inside you – like it did that day I stood on the diving board.

How to be a wrecking ball on your own Terror Barrier

1. Bulldoze through it scared. That’s right … just keep marching, no matter how badly your feet want to stay rooted to the ground. Refuse to permit this negative demon to control you, your emotions …your future.

2. Remember – the Terror Barrier rears its ugly head every time we attempt to make a major move in life into an area we have never traveled before. It’s as natural as day and night. Where before you used to let it stop you cold, now you can simply shrug and tell yourself, “Oh, there it is again. Well! This must really mean something great to me!”

3. Then, further remind yourself that it might be an unknown, but the other side of that Terror Barrier will have you that much closer to your goal. I’d encourage you to fall in love with THAT feeling of accomplishment, get wrapped up in it! I often say that if your goal doesn’t scare and excite you at the same time, you’re going after the wrong goal!

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” That is excellent advice. By following her advice you will liberate yourself from the crippling emotional state that the Terror Barrier causes.

Do it scared. Begin to visualize yourself successfully being a wrecking ball on that Terror Barrier of yours. Mentally see yourself winning. Remember, perception IS reality!

To your success,
Bob Proctor
Food for thought for me then this morning.  I know I have my own Terror Barrier. ‘Letting go’ of what I had because the future can, and sometimes does, scare me.  And curling up in a ball and doing nothing often seems so ‘comforting’ in a very non-comforting way!

But I cheat myself by doing so………….

May you, my reader, face your own Terror Barrier and wreck it today.  Or at least smash a chink in it!

As Bob Proctor says:  To your success!

Destroying the things we love

I still have the 2 packs of miniature playing cards my Mum gave me when I was a young child.  They came from Belgium or France, I think, and had probably been hers.  One set had blue backs and one red.  The pictures of the Kings, Queens and Knaves are incredible and I used to weave my childhood stories and adventures around them.  One day for reasons I can no longer remember I tore one of the cards in two.  Something I regretted almost instantly.  I didn’t tell my mother – too ashamed of what I’d done.  As I say I still have the cards.  A constant reminder of what I did.  How I destroyed something I loved because of a moment of childhood tantrum – whatever!

Maybe it was a useful lesson. A pack of cards is no big deal and can be replaced but my action that day lessened the value of something I loved.  Removed some of the magic that pack of cards held for me.

Now as an adult I watch as those close to me (my ex husband, my older brother) destroy something so much more precious: Their marriages.  Something they treasured and loved when they started out but for reasons within themselves they’ve lashed out at and torn in two.

Like children with a toy that doesn’t behave the way they want it to they’ve stamped on it in their frustration to change it.  But tearing something in two doesn’t solve it – it just removes some of the magic and mystery of the object, leaving it broken, and the perpetrator with, perhaps, a sense of failure.

Maybe they never had that childhood destruction moment to fall back on.  That moment when they too destroyed something they loved through a moment of childhood fury and so learnt that valuable lesson (without necessarily realising it at the time) that tearing something to pieces doesn’t improve things one iota!

That being said, marriages can be mended. There are good glues available.   In fact there are Superglues which are capable of not only instigating repair but removing the fault lines and giving wonderful, harmonious and passionate futures.  The trouble is that those in charge of the toys have to want to  buy the glue and then learn how to use it.

And those who have been torn in two then have to acknowledge that repair is an option and then find a way of accepting the repair without bearing a grudge. Something which must take incredible determination, trust and focus.  Something it appears I won’t be called on to do.

Anyway I hang on to my pack of cards as a constant reminder not to destroy the things I love – never mind how great the provocation!