Justifying our actions. Is it because the only ones we need to justify are the ones we feel slightly uncomfortable with?
Be it loudly and vehemently to those around us or just to ourselves in the quiet and solitude of the night when sleep alludes us and we spend those hours convincing ourselves we are right. Everyone else is wrong.
Alex did it when he left me. Justifying his betrayal as something he couldn’t control. That the explosion in his head was more then he could cope with. That the OW was the only one to understand.
I justified my lack of anger and my acceptance of his appalling behaviour to myself and others around me as my attempt to save my marriage.
My brother – H – is justifying his decision to destroy his marriage as his wish to find happiness before his life is over (he is only 63!). He may shrug his shoulders and say “These things happen” – but the raw emotion of the tone of his voice and the look on his face, belies these words
When challenged we can all stand our corner and fight against all the odds. So how do people like Stephen get us to see there could be another way. A better way.
I know he succeeded with me. I know I fought against it with a determination that was ‘impressive’. As you know, I was even ‘banned ‘ from coaching sessions!! So what made me wake up one morning (during the ‘banned’ time) and realise I was wrong. What grain of an idea or suggestion had he ‘planted’ in my mind and what made it grow so I finally saw I was wrong? I have no idea!
I know I was scared that my world would implode if I let go (I don’t mind that phrase so much these days).
When I watch H and see what he’s doing to himself, his wife and his children it makes me sad. It also makes me cross because of the wanton destruction of everything around him.
When I think of Alex I wonder if part of him is not so sure of the route he has taken (why else would he have signed off his last email in May with ‘love Alex’ having not done so since he left). I have no idea how he is now. He has his new life. Which will still be filled with the same day-to-day chores as his one with me. Is it so great – the change he made?
Are we doing it all the time – on a smaller scale – in our every day lives? Do we justify our actions and decisions – and by that I mean the dodgy ones – because we are too scared to either listen to others or apologise for getting it wrong, or, most importantly, admit our mistakes to ourselves?
Do we spend too much time living on the edge of fear – either in our working lives or in our relationships? And in our fear to get it ‘right’ are we too often ‘getting it wrong’?
Too many questions and not enough answers – Sorry!!
That’s another thing that’s scary!