Yesterday I had a somewhat hectic day. Not assisted by the fact that I couldn’t be bothered to get up at normal ‘getting up time’. I wandered about in a “I deserve not to do anything” frame of mind which then suddenly catapulted me into over activity as it dawned on me at 10.00 am that I had friends turning up for coffee at 1100 before which I needed to make a dash to the local town for more fishnet tights, get food and run the friendly gauntlet of the village High Street (which would – and did – want to comment either on what on earth had come over my brother or what’s happening with the waring factions of my butcher landlady and her husband).
The 1100 coffee with Alex’s best friend and wife was a welcome relief for a couple of hours. Alex hasn’t contacted them for over a year. Which, of course, gave me a chance to elaborate on what is still a rather popular topic of conversation for me and his friends. I am getting less emotional about it now though!
I then dashed off to a wedding. Left it at 5.45 before the food had been served but with a platter of sandwiches to keep me going! Then on to the stage at 8.00 to inflict another performance on the unsuspecting locals!! I got to bed at 1.30am
The point of all this is that at no point yesterday did I have a nano-second of time to actually brood or be bored or wonder how I was feeling!
Clearly though I can’t run my life at this pace! I need to be able to have me time – peaceful time – where I am content with my own company and don’t spend it stamping over the past, over analyzing, wishing, wanting…. and all the other crap I have to fight against on a constant effort of concentration against feeling sorry for myself!
So – as Stephen’s (LC) words haunt me! I need GOALS!
G O A L S – I’ve been wittering on about this for ages! My posts are littered with the concept (sorry for all the repetition!). The word looms large in my mind. This strong feeling that I need to do something about them! I seem to dream the damn word. It niggles at the back of my mind. Falls into every day conversation either at work or with friends. It’s a great word! It just won’t leave me alone!! My ability to write about the concept – far too frequently – is great.
I rather think I need to DO!