Remembering I am special!

I know some people who finding themselves in this situation throw themselves into a frenzy of activity to keep their minds off it all.

My weekend roller-coastered from far too much going on  on Saturday to Sunday’s inactivity where my body demanded rest but my over-exhausted brain seemed to go into a frenzy of inappropriate meanderings, none of which were the least future focused, helpful or sensible!

Also not helped by one of my neighbours asking me if I would still take Alex back if he rolled up on my doorstep. Please don’t ask me this!!  It so doesn’t help! Because I don’t know – there are far too many variables just to have a blanket answer to that question –  and since I’m very unlikely to be faced with the situation – and they know that – what’s the point in planting the thought back into my mind.

Keeping the past at bay is harder when I’m tired  Reminding myself I am special and that I am ‘lovable’ is harder when I’m tired.  Feeling envious of Alex’s new life is easy when I’m tired.  And I am envious.  I am envious of the “TWOness”  of his life, faced as I am with my “ONEness” which I hate.

I  look forward to the day when all these thoughts stop happening!!

And why I ask myself do I have this almost overwhelming desire to contact him!  I haven’t.  But for reasons that completely escape me I find myself wanting to.  I have no idea what I want to achieve by doing this.  Because all it will give me is pain.  So totally pointless

I suppose it’s the feeling of  – I can live with not seeing him now, as in today,  it’s the prospect of never  which I find so sad.

And as there is no need for us to see each other again then that’s the way it’s likely to be.

I still want to shake him and say look at what we’ve lost.  Read what Stephen posts and, and , and……….  But clearly, unlike me,  he can’t think I was worth it or he wouldn’t have gone.  But I’ll always wonder why he dithered for that first 18 months and kept saying he wasn’t sure – that’s the bugger.

Sorry this post sounds rather miserable which wasn’t my intention – it’s more an acknowledgement of where I am today.  Yes at the top of my ‘mountain’.  So much further forward than this time last year.

I just wish he was man enough to join me to look at the view! 

(and my mental image of my ‘mountain’ is one in Namibia with the never ending plains stretched out beneath our feet)

3 thoughts on “Remembering I am special!

  1. Oh, I can totally relate to this. When you are tired, when your defenses are lowered, it is so much harder to keep up the fight against ourselves, against that tendency to feel worthless, unlovable, whatever our Achilles’ heel is…
    And I too find myself stupidly envious of T’s apparent bliss…
    I too still wish we could be together on our journeys of self-discovery…
    All I can say is hang on in there, and I’m with you x

  2. Feeling as you do is entirely natural and nothing to apologise for. You do not need to be artificially cheerful with people who carfe about you. When you tired ghosts come out of the closet so to speak. It sucks but that is just the way it is. despite everything that happened you are building a new life, and I am sure someone will want to be at of it in due course. Progree is not always a matter of staight line and your set backs are a natural part of it. The setbacks will, and probably have, get less severe as time goes on. Nevertheless, my thoughts are with you. You are a brave and spirited girl and this will win out in the end

  3. I understand completely. It’s normal to slide a little when you’re over tired or after going from too busy to idle. Just remember how far you’ve come. If you’re not back on track by now, you soon will be. Hugs.

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