Thank you for your support!

Writing the letter was very important for me.  Publishing it here also mattered.  It told ‘the world’ how I feel.

Thank you, dear readers, for your comments and lovely words of encouragement and support which have been wonderful and comforting – thank you so much.  And thank you for taking time to give your views and suggestions.

Actually I don’t want Alex to be hurt. That doesn’t solve the issue at all.    What I meant (and here it is so interesting how different interpretations on my letter have been seen!) was I want Alex to discover that despite changing the geography of his surroundings and the partner he now lives with that he is still not at ease and comfortable within himself.  That the pain is still there. That the solution lies within himself rather than a different human being.

And I don’t want him to discover this through being hurt.  If that happened he would still be able to abdicate and blame someone else.  And anyway I remain steadfast in my view that I wouldn’t and don’t wish on anyone what I’ve been through.

So no being hurt (by someone else) doesn’t solve anything.  The pain has to come from within. A pain that comes from a dissatisfaction that life is not the way it should be despite having done and changed all the things he has – then and only then will he actually dig deep enough to find out why and then hopefully take the steps – those very hard steps – to look at how he can break the pattern and give himself and become the stunning human being that he wants and can be.  I married a warm-hearted, gentle, kind, lovely man.   This man also has a deep unease within himself.  Someone who finds it easier to run, block out and hide from the issues he has rather than go through the very painful task of ‘sorting them out’.  He knows.  He has said so.  He has made several attempts at facing his ‘demons’ but, I think, (and of course I can only guess as I’m not him!) that he hasn’t conquered his own unique Terror Barrier yet.

I divorced someone who is lost.

4 thoughts on “Thank you for your support!

  1. Wow, it really sounds like T and Alex are kindred spirits. T can be a really lovely man, and he’s had a difficult life: Lost his identical twin brother when they were 5 months old, and I cannot imagine what growing up in an agrieved family must have been like. I don’t think the parental couple recovered from it though and they went through a very divorce when he was a teenager. He took his mum’s side and no longer sees his dad. All these things mean he probably grew up all wonky, and carries a lot of luggage around. Until he faces it all, he’ll probably keep destroying the happiness he builds. Anyway, that’s my supermarket psychology view on it all.
    I really admire your ability to wish Alex well. I am still hurting enough that I childlishly wish T gets a taste of his own medicine. I guess I’m still too angry, I haven’t let go…
    You have done so very well.

    • !!!

      Alex’s childhood – I think – wasn’t as warm and open as it could have been. He says he was never heard. He is a middle one and I think he got ignored rather.

      My ‘supermarket psychology’ (I love that term) view is that if there are 3 children then it is a good thing if the middle one is a different sex from the oldest so special in their own right. Alex has an older brother and younger sister. So is the 2nd boy and also not the youngest. My ‘theory’ for what it’s worth is that 1) the eldest is always special by dint of being the first. 2) the youngest is always special by dint of being the last and often gets spoiled because of it. So if there are 3 the middle one needs to have a ‘special’ tag. I was OK being a middle one as I was the the first and then only girl so special for that reason!

      If you don’t grow up feeling you’re special for whatever reason I think trouble can loom.

      I do wish Alex well – but if I am honest – I know I don’t wish him well with the b**ch he went off with! I still have very muddled views on how I feel about it but the wishing well is something I’ve always wanted to reach – but I do still get moments of rage!!

      I’ve come to the conclusion that Relationships should be on the school curriculum! Especially for men!

      • I understand this too. X always felt like she was the caretaker of her 4 siblings..(she was the oldest). When the next two boys came along, she felt like she was 2nd class and not included in things like they were. Her folks say that she was often simply unhappy and witfhdrew from the things she was included in. What the truth is no one will ever know.
        Ultimately I want her to be happy too…but not with J. J is a serial adulterer, a narcissist and a psychopath. He can not be hurt because he has no true feelings about anything except his own self adoration and the adoration he cultivates. When that stops, he moves on.
        X needs to be hurt…or feel pain …or whatever the term one wants to use, in order to find her own voice again and gain herself. Her actions are often the same as an addict right now.
        I don’t necessarily want to see her in pain or in hurt…but I believe that it is what she needs to find herself again.
        That being said…if this version is the true X…then there is nothing I can hope for except the ability to forgive myself for choosing the wrong person to commit to.
        It is difficult to look at my children and see her in them…and know the pain she has caused them. The Buddhist in me wants to simply believe she is lost.
        and by the way….what’s that dig on men and madatory relationship curriculum in school all about!! 😉 Many of the blogs out there are about the woman being the unfaithful one. Maybe a course in honesty should be the mandate in school!
        Peace to you

  2. Recognising that he is the only one who can solve his internal conflicts, must be very liberating.
    They are not your responsibilty and not for you to solve.

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