Small Actions – small results!

Stephen’s words haunt me! (In a nice way Stephen if you read this!)  If I take small action I get small results and then decide I’ve failed.

Good examples:

  1. I go to French Conversation every week, I don’t get round to going over what I’ve learned during the week so I make slow progress and so decide I’m failing.
  2. I haven’t practiced any of the techniques I learnt on my Photoshop course so I’ve reverted to using Picassa – small results.  I get the feeling I’m failing!

However!!!

I threw myself into the Internet Dating.  4 sites!!  Hopeless!!!  – Only one date!  See Dating Tips! – and  only a couple others emailed me – and they fell by the wayside!   I’m now only on one – e-harmony – and I’m not getting anywhere there either!!  But I did take Big Action!!  So what have I learnt from that.  I mustn’t give up!!  Perhaps I need to improve my profile!  I need to find better sites!

You see, dear reader, I’m in need of male company!!  Just with me!  I want a good dose of male friendship!!  Not necessarily full blown romance….(!!) but I quite fancy being made a fuss of and chatted up just a bit – or just someone to go out for a drink with.  Go to the cinema with!

So having had a bit of a re-group (and gone through a good dose of the doldrums!) over the last few days, and having exchanged a few emails with Stephen (LC) I need to refocus and start again.  After all the quicker I make all the mistakes the quicker I’ll run out of ways to do it wrong and then – presumably (and so I’m assured!) – all that will be left is doing it right!!!!

I do know that I want more than I’ve got now!  This is still a staging post.  It’s OK, but it’s not good enough.  I’m not there yet.

I welcome suggestions!  On any ideas anyone has!

Goal - Action - Result - Proof - Learn

And thank you Stephen for the graphic!

The ‘joy’ of estate agents

Today is Open House day at the house my 2 brothers and I are selling. The property we inherited  and which Alex and I owned a portion of.   The ‘property’ is split into 3 units  (the ‘main house’, a very large maisonette – where Alex and I lived, and a 1 bedroom ground floor flat) all of which are now  ‘up for grabs’, though we have accepted an offer on the main house.

I rolled up to have a look round at the now completed refurbishments.

What then ensued can only be described as bizarre.

Me:  “Hello, I’m one of the owners, I just thought I’d pop in to see what it all looked like now it’s complete”

Lady in charge of the open day:   “Ah.  Did you know it’s a family selling the property?”

Me:  “Yes, I’m one of the owners”

Her: “Do you know H?  He’s one of the family”

Me: “Yes, H is my brother”

Her: “Ah  you’re H’s sister, so you’re one of the family”

Me: (now beginning to wonder at her mental capacity) “Yes, I’m one of the owners –  I used to live here”

Her: “Please let me show you round”

Me:  “It’s OK I know my way round – I used to live here.

Her: “It’s a fascinating house with some wonderful features.  Would you like to see round?”

Me:  “Yes I know, I used to live here. In fact I was BORN here”

She then took me round the flat I used to live in and introduced me to each room as if I had never clapped eyes on any of it before!

The experience was somewhat surreal.

And this estate agent is one of the more ‘up-market’ ones in the neighbourhood!

Bless!

Moral of this story:  Don’t try and put anyone off their rehearsed script!!

Questions and Answers

In what feels like my relentless search for answers – you know the answers to – the WHYs?  the HOW COMEs?  the HOW COULD YOUs?  I’ve now come to the conclusion that I will never know and actually do I really need to.

I’d love answers but only if they’re the answers I want to hear!  Not the ones I’m more likely to be given!

And actually in this rather fruitless search have I ever asked the right questions.

None of the questions that have assailed my confused brain have been very growth orientated.  I never asked – kindly and lovingly – , for example, “What do you want to achieve?”

And – given the fact that the answer to that is, probably, a combination of “Happiness, passion, freedom from feeling as I do now”

Then surely the next response should have been “Wouldn’t it be great and wouldn’t you just love it if you got all those things again with me?”

That would have been a growth orientated conversation!

Sadly not one we ever had.  And now I’ve learned (from Stephen’s coaching) that these ideas can be a real possibility, it’s been a tough thing to come to terms with. Tougher than I can describe.

It’s not too late for my brother, H, but in his current state no-one can get close enough to pose those questions and so give him the opportunity to, perhaps, see things in a different way.

I’m sure we all have questions, every day.  I now feel the important thing is to know what we want from the answer and then work out what the real question should be!

“Are there any able bodied men…..?”

This is one of my lines – in Oh What a Lovely War

Sums up how I feel  really!

The search continues……..

I sometimes just wonder if there are any available men out there who understand relationships and their part in them, who aren’t looking for a housekeeper, or just  ‘a bit on the side’, who want to have fun and give.

Who are capable of sending an interesting message on the Dating sites I’m on.  Who don’t mass mail the entire database with lazy messages such as “I’m here look me up and let me know if you’re interested”.

Who are still young at heart and don’t just believe excitement is going out on a Friday night for a drink at the local pub!  Who want adventure….

Shame the one I had ran out of battery power and failed to understand how either to recharge them or be interested in accepting that new batteries could have invigorated our life together in all the ways I’m thinking of! (And yes dear reader I AM thinking of ALL the ways!)

There should be more ‘life-time guarantees’ – or at least better batteries!

Remembering I am special!

I know some people who finding themselves in this situation throw themselves into a frenzy of activity to keep their minds off it all.

My weekend roller-coastered from far too much going on  on Saturday to Sunday’s inactivity where my body demanded rest but my over-exhausted brain seemed to go into a frenzy of inappropriate meanderings, none of which were the least future focused, helpful or sensible!

Also not helped by one of my neighbours asking me if I would still take Alex back if he rolled up on my doorstep. Please don’t ask me this!!  It so doesn’t help! Because I don’t know – there are far too many variables just to have a blanket answer to that question –  and since I’m very unlikely to be faced with the situation – and they know that – what’s the point in planting the thought back into my mind.

Keeping the past at bay is harder when I’m tired  Reminding myself I am special and that I am ‘lovable’ is harder when I’m tired.  Feeling envious of Alex’s new life is easy when I’m tired.  And I am envious.  I am envious of the “TWOness”  of his life, faced as I am with my “ONEness” which I hate.

I  look forward to the day when all these thoughts stop happening!!

And why I ask myself do I have this almost overwhelming desire to contact him!  I haven’t.  But for reasons that completely escape me I find myself wanting to.  I have no idea what I want to achieve by doing this.  Because all it will give me is pain.  So totally pointless

I suppose it’s the feeling of  – I can live with not seeing him now, as in today,  it’s the prospect of never  which I find so sad.

And as there is no need for us to see each other again then that’s the way it’s likely to be.

I still want to shake him and say look at what we’ve lost.  Read what Stephen posts and, and , and……….  But clearly, unlike me,  he can’t think I was worth it or he wouldn’t have gone.  But I’ll always wonder why he dithered for that first 18 months and kept saying he wasn’t sure – that’s the bugger.

Sorry this post sounds rather miserable which wasn’t my intention – it’s more an acknowledgement of where I am today.  Yes at the top of my ‘mountain’.  So much further forward than this time last year.

I just wish he was man enough to join me to look at the view! 

(and my mental image of my ‘mountain’ is one in Namibia with the never ending plains stretched out beneath our feet)