How come so many of us have ended up in the marriage cul-de-sac of disaster? The place where clear communication has been cancelled.
And what made our runners run?
I’ve stopped asking Why? I now want to know the answers to: What made you feel that running was the only option? Was I such a nightmare to live with? Such a bad listener that I had killed off all other options?
You see I don’t think so!
I read others’ blogs and so many ask the same questions, including The Why didn’t we at least have the “Big Talk” questions!
I’ve thought about this a lot and I’ve come to the conclusion that unless the “Big Talk” is held from a position of total security with both partners secure in knowing who they really are and feeling totally safe, then I can’t see the answers will be that ‘truthful’.
Because the answers can be totally different if answered from a position of fear, guilt, anger, trauma….. the list is endless.
Alex accused me of being controlling. Fine, I probably was – from his perspective. The trouble is rather than say sorry I justified it – then.
Now all I want to say is. Yes I was – and I’m sorry – I was scared silly. All I wanted was for you to throw your arms around me and protect me and ‘take over’. But his interpretation of the ‘Controlling Caroline’ was I wanted to be in control.
WRONG! I wanted the total opposite!
When I told him in May that I never wanted to see or hear from him again. What I was actually crying out for was for him to be bashing my door down and fighting for us and our future!
When he said he hoped we could be friends and amicable, I wonder now what he actually meant. Who knows!
I feel so stongly now that what we say and what we mean can be two totally different things.
So how come we fail to communicate in a way that our partner will understand?
What I don’t know is what he wanted me to understand about him when he was trying to communicate his needs. What I wonder is what interpretations was I putting on what he was telling me which meant I completely failed to understand him.
I think that’s where Life Coaches such as Stephen can help so much. Help bring communication back to its truest form. Help with the understanding and interpretation of what we each needed to say and understand. How they do this I have no idea because we never got to that stage. We never found out. We never met half way.
And for me that is what is so sad and so incredibly hard to live with. And part of the reason, I believe, that I (and probably many others ) still get ‘stuck’ days. We never found out. We turned our backs on the enlightenment of truly understanding each other – of really learning how to communicate – which in moments of crisis are invaluable and essential.
Because communication is the glue which holds you together when things are tough.
The life-line of marriage survival.
The thing which is the main route back to a marriage full of passion and happiness.