The dilemma of this double-edged sword

There’s definitely a double-edged sword in deciding to learn more about Life Coaching.

On the one hand I’m finding the subject fascinating.  The more I read the more I want to know.

But, and this is rather a big but, it’s also painful.  Painful realising that if I’d known a lot of this before and Alex had too then maybe things would have been different.

But it was because we didn’t that I’ve ended up in my ‘now’ and that includes finding out I’m interested in something that would never have occured to me before!

I still read Stephen’s blog posts avidly as I find them fascinating. Even if each one is a stab through my heart as I read how he helps couples get their marriages back on track and it was too late for us.

But I want to learn and not only learn from my mistakes, but also learn from the experts how they apply all the techniques they have at their ‘finger tips’ – so I’ll carry on reading and ride out the pain.

It’s tough though!

By the way it was brought home to me yesterday how much integrity there is in Stephen’s approach and coaching.  No ‘signing up’ for months and months, or years and years to be coached for ever!   Not like the treatment this person received from a psychoanalyst!  (click to read!).  Which in my view is just totally unethical.  People in trouble are very vulnerable and will grab at anything to remove the pain.  It is, in my view, a fundamental duty of the therapist to ensure the client is treated with respect.  And that includes not spinning out the therapy to suit the therapist.

Anyway I need to keep focused and not look back!  Perhaps I need to buy some blinkers!  Though probably that’s not a ‘good look’!

My ex sister-in-law (whom I’m very fond of) emailed me today giving me news of Alex and the OW (whom she dislikes!), and my  niece and nephew who I’m very fond of (I suppose that should be ex-niece and nephew!!).  So it’s been a bit tough thinking about them……   and all the other stuff.   Hearing what they’ll be doing at Christmas…..  I feel a bit left out!!

So now for some planning so I don’t!

7 thoughts on “The dilemma of this double-edged sword

  1. I understand where you’re coming from with this. It is tough but you have a wonderfully positive attitude and that will prevail. As for your learning – all new learning has to filter through our thinking – you have chosen a tough call – emotions, but do you know what – you can do this 😉

  2. The “what if” game will drive you crazy. I know….believe me.
    If the assumption that because you know more now, it may have changed things was always correct then there would be no divorced marriage counselors or life coaches. Yet….

    Having done life coaching I did know about a lot of these things…and my outcome is not where I wanted it to be.
    So maybe if you had done this and he had done that….etc., it would be different is true. WHat is also true is that maybe it would not have made a difference at all.
    This is hard for us to accept…because people that want to stay true to the vows and want to stay in the relationship are also often the ones that accept responsibility. We want to accept the responsibility for our part…and we want to assume that we could have fixed it.
    The people that leave for greener pastures via betrayal are often those that absolve themselves of responsibility. DO they play the “what if?” game?? Not often in my experience. Unfortunately, they also often look to other (people, places, things) for their own happiness.

  3. Oh Caroline, I can totally identify with what you’re going through, and the what ifs, but at the end of the day, Alex did not stick around long enough to hear about these things and let you both down. There is nothing you could have done to ensure he was ready to hear what Stephen has to say…You just don’t know that this knowledge would have saved your relationship because maybe Alex did not want to save his marriage, he may have been scared of success, of having built something good and sturdy…And one day, you’ll find a good man who can hear these things and wants a marriage that weathers the storms.
    Meanwhile, I know how much it hurts and my heart goes out to you!
    x

  4. I can relate to the feeling left out part. It was terrible last year, I felt that everyone else was having great family Christmasses, However as we all well know this is often in fact not the case and Christmas is a time of great stress for many families.
    So the freedom to chose to do what you want to do and how is not after all so bad.
    Does not mean I will not miss the Ex and being a family together,

  5. Oh, Caroline. I totally understand how you’re feeling. I’ve felt everything you’ve expressed here and sometimes I still do, especially feeling left out of the lives of D’s family and extended family.

    LFBA is right that the “what if”game is futile. And I should know because I’ve done it to death. It’s so hard to put it all in perspective but you will. You already are.

    So sorry for your sadness and second guessing.

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