As you know, dear reader, I’m deep in the reading phase of my goal! Also, for various reasons which I won’t go into I’ve been analysing why my goal is giving me such a buzz.
Why did I wake up one morning and with a conviction bordering on an ‘epiphany’ moment declare to myself “I want to be a Life Coach!”. And what’s held me to that conviction ever since.
I believe the whole issue does revolve round goals and their function in life. Finding a goal that would engage me to this extent was something I didn’t believe was possible. I spent weeks and weeks wandering around muttering to myself in complete turmoil on Why Couldn’t I find a Goal! One that would inspire.
I now realise I was looking for the wrong type of goal or solution. I was looking for goals that would move me away from my hurt and angst. I was looking for a goal which would solve the past. What I got was a goal which is moving me towards something very positive and totally new – which is going to give me a new future. The hurt is still there but the goal is giving me something else to focus on.
I did have a goal to put on weight. But the more weight I put on the less motivated I became to eat as there wasn’t a clear end point and also I was moving away from being too thin – to what? Very easily I can stop eating and so lose weight again – which doesn’t suit me, makes me look years older and is bad for my health (it’s OK I’m not anorexic – I’ve only done the non eating thing since my marriage collapsed! And I am now 20lbs heavier than this time last year!).
Yes, I also want to remove the pain and hurt and I still want to find a new partner who will love and cherish and care for me. But is that a good goal for giving me the great future I want. It is a good goal. But it is a goal which is focused on moving away from my current hurt. A hurt which is still there and though getting dimmer can suddenly be triggered into sharp 3D, multi-coloured, focus by an incident. Yesterday the delivery of my remaining belongings from Store caused a whole lot of flashbacks which were more than somewhat alarming. Especially unpacking all the photos! But the flashbacks didn’t last like they used to. I was too keen to return to my studying and all the books which now litter my bed each evening as I curl up to read.
My goal is focusing me on other things. And for me, for now, that appears to be what some part of my brain has decided I need to do – and it’s not letting go!
So to my astonishment I have to say finding someone new is now a secondary goal! Giving myself a challenge and an extra purpose in life is now my primary goal. And I never thought I’d say that!!