Why Blog?

So why do bloggers blog and what do we expect / hope from our readers?

The reasons we all blog are as diverse and as many as those on the planet!

So how do I react to comments?

Well I love comments even if some challenge my view, my behaviour, my actions.  And the securer I become the more I welcome the challenges.  Why? Because it gives me the opportunity to challenge myself and how I truly feel.  This isn’t the reason I started my blog but it’s been a great bonus – one that I didn’t expect!

If a challenging comment makes me feel defensive or angry then these days I ponder on why.  Has someone unintentionally touched a raw nerve and if so why is the nerve still raw!

Some commenters have, occasionally, told me how to think!  Well none of us are in a position to tell others how or what to think or to judge us!  But it’s always interesting to get someonelse’s take on a topic or idea, thought or action

So making one’s blog public comes at a price!  There is no such thing as a free lunch!  By inviting comments sometimes we might not like what someone writes but for me it’s a price worth paying!  Because although occasionally I’ve had the odd comment that has made me spit it has also made me think hard about how I come across to other people and to question my actions, motives, whatever.

And  then I’ve also gained a large community of friends who I otherwise wouldn’t have and that is very special to me.  You’ve given me incredible support and encouragement, dear reader.  I’ve been humbled by it all and appreciate it no end.

So blog on everyone!  I’m going to!

Conviction to Contentment

Conviction

In the beginning, three years ago, as Alex went into his emotional meltdown I was convinced, with every fibre of my body, that we would pull through as a couple and be stronger as a result.  People said so.  Whoever “people” were.  I couldn’t and wouldn’t believe that any other outcome was remotely possible.  I stuck to my belief through every turn of emotion, every turn in his behaviour.  I didn’t get angry, I did what I believed I had to do.  I believed in the Us.

We failed to get help.

Confusion

As the months turned into the first year of our separation and the divorce papers had begun to ricochet between our respective solicitors, as I dealt with the death of my father and faced, but couldn’t accept being alone, it slowly dawned on me that Alex appeared to be stuck in a permanent meltdown. I didn’t know what to do. I vacillated between hope and despair.  The mixed messages I got from him made no sense.  Claiming to care and yet unable to leave the OW.

Finally I started this blog and that release also provided me with the realisation that I had to get help.  For us.  For me. For my sanity. And to stop me swallowing too many sleeping pills.  I was lost and very, very stuck

I got help.

We got help.  From the same source though never together.

We headed for a possible re-discovery of our mutual love.  Of what we had had when we married – or even more.  Of something which could have been even better.  We nearly embarked on that route.  But not quite.

Clarity

The route to my clarity is documented in very honest, thorough (!) detail in this blog. It’s long, it deviates, but for those wanting to know it’s here for you all to read.

With that clarity has come a profound understanding. That until and if (and this is a big IF) Alex chooses to understand and ‘find’ himself then any relationship either with me or anyone else will not give him the life he could have.  The one I believe he is searching for.  This sounds very arrogant of me but it is said from a position of total unconditional love for him.  Love that will never die but a love for him that has finally given me a freedom that I didn’t think was possible.

Knowing that I love him unconditionally and that I can do absolutely nothing about it.

I may feel sad.  But I no longer rage against it. I know longer feel trapped by it.   I feel liberated and free to live my life.

Curiosity

Sparked this weekend by reading a profoundly honest and emotional book:

“Surprised by Love”  by Dr Jay and Julie Kent-Ferraro.

A book about infidelity and betrayal. The destruction of a marriage and the route back together.  A route that has given them both a deeper, stronger and rock-solid bond.

A book I would recommend you read, dear reader.

I have been deeply moved by this book.  Curious?  Why?  Come on !!  Clearly because I shall always wonder what might have been!  Also shaken to the core as so much of what they have written resonates with my own situation!  Minus, of course, of the outcome they achieved!

I hope others are curious.  If so get a copy – it’s worth it.  Especially for those rebuilding trust in their relationships.

Contentment

I’m working on this one.

I no longer get those moments of shear panic.

I get moments of feeling scared but I’ve learnt how to change state when these happen.

Yes, as I’ve said, I feel free.  Free of the clawing, suffocation of not believing in myself.

I am content with being me.  And that is one helluva step from where I was before my marriage collapsed!

Now, maybe at last, I’m ready to create a new life for myself and meet someone who can be as honest with themselves as I’ve learnt to be about being me.

 

Junction 13 does it for me!

Don’t ask me why!  But Junction 13 of the motorway I travel down every morning ‘does it for me’.  I feel incredibly sexy at this point of my journey to work. (By the way this doesn’t happen on my journey home!).

I remember when Alex and I were still together I used to have these wild erotic thoughts start as I reached this junction.  The next few miles were always quite pleasant as I thought of all the lovely things I’d like done to me.  Even though I knew the reality wasn’t so good (given my ‘problem’).  The fantasy was amazing!!

By the time I reach junction 14 the feelings have usually gone!  So not much time then!!

Just as well he was never in the car with me or I might have wanted to pull over to the side (called the hard shoulder in the UK) and ………  (well you get the idea).

Last night I regaled this interesting fact to some of the thespians I’m in the pantomime with and one suggested it might be the road surface giving me a nice set of vibrations!!  Well it’s an idea!!  However I’m not totally convinced it’s actually the junction itself which seems to have this bizarre effect on me.  And I don’t think I have a wild passionate desire to me made love to whilst hurtling down the fast lane at 70 miles per hour (careful of the speed limit!).

Maybe it’s more the time of day and my body clock reaching optimum whatever mode.

I never told Alex!  Like so many things I failed to tell him.  Sad really.  He’d have found it funny (I hope!).

Do I still get these feelings? Very much so!  Which is even more frustrating than before!!

Something for the weekend!!

And the reason for the title is I wanted to grab your attention – which hopefully it has!

Now I could rabbit on about a whole lot of ‘stuff’ and my take on it!  But actually this is a post worth reading whether you’re happy in your relationship, unhappy in your relationship, on your own or anywhere in between!

We all need to be loved

What do you think?

Help Helps!

That’s the thing isn’t it!  Getting help actually helps!  And stuff all those people who have never been at the bottom of their Mine and so announce that getting help is just navel gazing and a waste of time and money.

The thing is to find the help that does actually help!  Because some help doesn’t.

I have a friend who won’t get help anymore as she’s too scared of the pain she might have to go through.  She has been for various types of help – mostly on a psychological front and it hasn’t worked.  She keeps going back to the same person and it keeps not working. She has been doing this for years and years.

I suggested to her she tried life coaching as a different route but she told me through her tears that she couldn’t face the opening up of the pain anymore and had decided to just live with how she feels now – which is not good by the way.

She has to take the step for herself. We all do. Life Coaching might work for her, it might not.  It was, for me, at times tough.  I cried a lot!  But I don’t ever remember leaving a life coaching session feeling worse than when I went in.  I usually felt a great deal better. Sometimes I left totally confused – but even that was better than just feeling plain miserable!

Yes getting help is scary and I don’t know how you help people get past that initial terror or stubbornness so they do ‘take the plunge’.

My brother and his wife are opting for the ‘I don’t want help’ route and heading for divorce, with absolutely no idea whether their issues could be fixed and the passion they had for each other re-ignited.  The result is their youngest daughter is, not surprisingly, finding life tough.

So how do we help those close to us to help themselves.  How do we ‘sneak’ up on them and introduce the thought that maybe the route they are on at the moment isn’t actually the one which is 100% certain to lead them to happiness.

I suppose time helps. That and the pain getting so bad that help is the only route out.  That was the case for me in the end. Though even that is not strictly true as I did go to my doctor at the beginning.  I did go to the psychologist – who I found so unhelpful that looking back now it’s actually funny!

After all what on earth was I getting after 45 minutes of me weeping to be told at the end by this ‘expert’ that I was crying because my marriage had failed

Now that was an amazing glimpse of the obvious if ever there was one!

And then to crown this she announced, with stunning insight,  that the reason I was feeling down and depressed was I saw no hope for a happy future for myself.

I wonder how many years training she had gone through to come up with that gem!

Clearly a career path that I should now be considering rather than the one I’ve chosen!!

In all the sessions I had with Stephen, in all those ones I fought, cried, battled or whatever, I don’t remember him ever saying anything so mind-bendingly crass!! He just did whatever he does (??) to encourage me to change state, understand myself and ……   finally get me to where I am now!!

Phew!

So today has started well!  Always worth counting the positives!

First and foremost:  The main part of my Dad’s house has sold!  Phew!  Means we can pay the tax bill being inflicted on us for inheriting at the end of this month – rather close that – they charge for not meeting the deadline – even if it’s by a day!

It also means I’ll get some cash – which I rather need as my savings have just run out!

Secondly:  I’ve found somewhere to stay for my NLP course which won’t cost me anything as I’m staying with friends who live nearby!  So that’s saved me near-on £1K! 

So even though I woke up in one of my “Life’s surreal and shouldn’t be like this” moods and angsts (not to mention all the other past rubbish I stupidly decided to feed myself.  Most of which I am sure you can guess, dear reader)  – all of which took rather too long to shift – things have been looking up in the last few hours!