One of the things that we touched on this weekend at the course I was on.
The reason people go to coaching is to change something in their lives. Something they are not happy with but don’t know how to change. The problem is the pattern of behaviour within them could have been created a long time ago so is now an unconsious method of operating. A bit like driving a car. When you first learnt to drive every action had to be taken with a conscious thought. Now you probably steer the wheel, change gear and adjust the radio and still have time to look at the view without hitting the car in front! You don’t have to think about the mechanics of actually driving – it’s there as an unconscious thinking process which results in the behaviour of driving.
So it is with other well learnt and ingrained patterns.
For me it was the unconscious thinking process which gave me a belief that I had to adapt to other people and what they wanted to please them and so, I thought, give me love / friendship/ respect…….. So my route to most interactions with other people was to be over-flexible – to the deteriment of me.
And believe me I fought very hard to hang on to this behaviour! Despite all the evidence that it wasn’t serving me very well at all!
When I finally acknowledged this issue then breaking the unconscious behaviour was difficult as it ‘clicked in’ without me realising it! But learning about my values and sticking to them – plus all the other change work I went through in my life coaching sessions is changing this to one that looks after me better. Discovering my true values FOR ME and the rules I apply for these values to be met made me take a long hard look at ME!
So that’s me! We are all different!
Maybe you see that in return for your love / friendship you expect your partner / people to serve you, do things for you. Maybe in return for your friendship/ love/ affection you expect people to fit in around you.
There is nothing wrong with either approach if you are happy with where you are and what you are getting from life. The problems arise when you are left with feeling things aren’t right or a relationship fails.
Because one thing I have learnt (the hard way) is a relationship (at any level – be it marriage, a friendship, whatever) isn’t a trade. It is a fully giving partnership where trading and expecting something in return can have no place. We give love because we want to, not because we expect something back in return. And if both partners are giving and loving at this level then trading doesn’t enter into it! It can’t – because ultimately trading breeds resentment in some form or another.
We are not 100% responsible for the failure of a relationship, only 100% responsible for our side of it. So we can’t take all the responsibility for the failure or for their part in it. All we can do is learn about ourselves – if we want to – and change those things that don’t serve us as well as they could so next time we do things differently and maybe make better choices.
Anyway that’s how I see it!!
Feel free to disagree!