Crying out for love!

Looking back (dangerous – but somehow necessary just now) I realise for the last 6-10 months of my marriage unconsciously I knew I wasn’t getting the love I craved from the man I loved!  Shame this didn’t kick in at a more conscious level!!!

This resulted in me doing things which I can now see were never going to improve the situation.  But things I probably learnt in childhood to get attention.

Things I did:
I used to talk to my PC – OK funny now but at the time it drove me mad – I couldn’t stop talking whilst typing or working at my PC.  I never did this when I was on my own – only when Alex was in the same room – like a small child I think  I was craving attention by talking which was incredibly irritating – to both of us. We both hated it.  Neither of us realised why I was doing it.  All I know is it was incredibly compulsive.  I really couldn’t stop!

If we were watching a film on TV I’d keep turning to him to see if he was moved by the more romantic scenes and I’d ask – mid film – so breaking his and my involvement in the film.  Again it would drive us both mad.  Now I see what I wanted and was crying out for from him was some of the love I was seeing on the screen.

Of course the more I did it, the more he got irritated, the more he withdrew, the more I did it…….  and so on.  I must have been a real pain to live with!

And then at night I would ask to be hugged.  He couldn’t.  He was too lost in his own dilemma.

Result:  Lack of growth, lack of affection,……………….  Divorce.

I was living in fear.  He was living in fear.  We should have got help so we could understand what we were doing to ourselves and each other. Even after he left I was, initially, too scared to get help.  Too scared that I would get ticked off for my behaviour!

This is not a ‘sorry me’ post by the way!   It’s just a “This is the way it is and this is one of the myriad of reasons my marriage failed”.  There are others.  His side of the equation which I don’t know about.

For me at least I now know that if I do start behaving in this rather bizarre way again I’ll know it’s attention seeking and that I’ll need to take action fast to investigate why.

I wish I’d known then what I know now.  But I didn’t.

 

5 thoughts on “Crying out for love!

  1. But look at all you’ve learned and you’re honesty is very powerful. Reflection is not easy, neither can it be done half heartedly. Some people never find the strength to reflect on themselves and their actions. It’s much easier reflection on someone else’s actions. But alas there is little learning in that. I’ve also learned some powerful (and uncomfortable) things about myself. This learning has stayed with me and I now feel more in control in situations because I understand my behaviour. Great post. Positive and affirming 😉

  2. Reflection is a wonderful thing. Our need for love is very strong and I know I have done very similar things. I still do, in fact. My desire stems from too little love as a child. However, I am aware it is not good. A very honest post, not one I can write.
    Love to you.
    x

  3. Great reminder to look within. Knowing (and perhaps understanding!) ourselves is such an important part of any relationship we have.
    Thanks Caroline
    ♥♥♥

  4. I can recognise some of these patterns, and reading this post squeezed my heart… How sad. For all of us that we didn’t know, that we made mistakes, that we played a role in destroying something which was so important to us.
    But on the positive side, all these uncomfortable truths about ourselves, what our behaviours hide etc, will help us in future.
    I just hope you get a chance to experiment the new you in a relationship soon 😉
    x

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