Looking back (dangerous – but somehow necessary just now) I realise for the last 6-10 months of my marriage unconsciously I knew I wasn’t getting the love I craved from the man I loved! Shame this didn’t kick in at a more conscious level!!!
This resulted in me doing things which I can now see were never going to improve the situation. But things I probably learnt in childhood to get attention.
Things I did:
I used to talk to my PC – OK funny now but at the time it drove me mad – I couldn’t stop talking whilst typing or working at my PC. I never did this when I was on my own – only when Alex was in the same room – like a small child I think I was craving attention by talking which was incredibly irritating – to both of us. We both hated it. Neither of us realised why I was doing it. All I know is it was incredibly compulsive. I really couldn’t stop!
If we were watching a film on TV I’d keep turning to him to see if he was moved by the more romantic scenes and I’d ask – mid film – so breaking his and my involvement in the film. Again it would drive us both mad. Now I see what I wanted and was crying out for from him was some of the love I was seeing on the screen.
Of course the more I did it, the more he got irritated, the more he withdrew, the more I did it……. and so on. I must have been a real pain to live with!
And then at night I would ask to be hugged. He couldn’t. He was too lost in his own dilemma.
Result: Lack of growth, lack of affection,………………. Divorce.
I was living in fear. He was living in fear. We should have got help so we could understand what we were doing to ourselves and each other. Even after he left I was, initially, too scared to get help. Too scared that I would get ticked off for my behaviour!
This is not a ‘sorry me’ post by the way! It’s just a “This is the way it is and this is one of the myriad of reasons my marriage failed”. There are others. His side of the equation which I don’t know about.
For me at least I now know that if I do start behaving in this rather bizarre way again I’ll know it’s attention seeking and that I’ll need to take action fast to investigate why.
I wish I’d known then what I know now. But I didn’t.