Changing the Focus

For far too long I focused on how I felt, why I felt it and how if I ‘let go’ of how I felt I would lose my identity.  The me that I believed in and who Alex loved (or not!).  Focusing on me was painful. Very.  In fact Very Very.  But not focusing on me was so scary I couldn’t do it.

I have a high need for Love and Significance (though I have to say what I mean my Significance has changed over the last 12 months).

Focusing on what Alex and I had and being the me I thought was true to what I believed (without asking him) that he wanted was the safest place I could find.

It gave me Certainty. A strange feeling of comfort – I knew where I was.  But it wasn’t a comfortable certainty. So  it scored very low.  On a score of 1 – 10 where 1 is bad and 10 is wonderful.  I was scoring about a 2 or 3

It didn’t give me Uncertainty or Variety – so that scored about 1 out of 10.

I felt amazingly Significant but not in a good way.  I was significantly making Alex feel guilty.  It was low level significance

It didn’t give me Connection or Love.  I didn’t really love myself.  I wasn’t being loved.  I believed I was unlovable

There was no chance of any Growth.  In the place I was in I was doomed to repeat each day almost like Groundhog Day.

Contribution.  I wasn’t contributing to anything or anyone much.

Changing my focus was a battle but a battle I have now by and large won.  It can be fragile on some days.  Some days I feel I still have such a long way to go. But maybe that’s what Growth is all about.  After all there’s no fun without growth.

So on the days when I feel fragile and scared I read this blog – see how far I’ve come and focus on my goal with a determination that is almost scary!!

I thought taking action was going to be painful.  Actually staying where I was was far worse.

I just wish I hadn’t left it so long!!  I wasted so much time!

7 thoughts on “Changing the Focus

  1. You didn’t leave it too long. You left it just the right amount of time. You can’t stop doing something involving the emotions to order. It is only when realisation and loving/respecting yourself coincide that you can move on. And by the way, Alex did love you very, very much (and I suspect still does but to a lesser extent). Just looking at the photos confirms this.

    A wonderful stranger is what your need, with a touch of strangeness! You know what I mean! He will insinuate himself into you life, without you knowing it at first. It will be so subtle that it will be sometime before you realise. And that is good. That is the right way. And he may not be such a stranger…

    • I wholeheartedly agree with Mary. You decided to change when you finally were ready for it, and I am not sure you can hurry these things…
      You have done amazingly well, become so much more the better part of you, touched the lives of so many people…:That’s what matters.
      And for what it’s worth, Alex is an idiot for letting go of such a resourceful and amazing woman.
      Here’s to that wonderful stranger who will recognise all your qualities, and love you in the way you deserve…
      x

      • The life coaching made a massive difference! Without it I know I’d still be stuck. Being given the tools to enable me to change and also helped to see how my future could be if I changed was an amazing experience.

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