What have I Learnt!

Always good to review something once the heat’s died down!!

As Stephen has just commented on my previous post – what you fear is what you get.  Or to put it another way – what you focus on is what you get.

H is up to his eyeballs in resentment (for me!) and lots of other stuff within himself – probably created from childhood.  I often wonder if it started when I was born.  There are 2 years between us.  So suddenly there I was – competition for attention from Mum and Dad! I’ve read that a two year age gap can be difficult.  The older child is just old enough to appreciate the new arrival but too young to understand that it won’t affect the love he gets from his parents.  He just sees it as an intrusion into his world.

Anyway instead of focusing on love he focused on Fairness (something that has been eating away at him for years and years).  From the moment he approached the subject of this ‘dreaded Agreement’ it was clear in his voice over the phone that part of him wasn’t totally at ease with what he was doing.  He had already assumed I wouldn’t like what he was going to say – I could hear it in the tone of his voice.  And so he got exactly what he asked for – I dug in.  And I dug in for quite a few days!  But I didn’t get angry!  Which was even more annoying.  I just stuck to the document we’d all signed.

So he ranted and fired emails at me saying if he’d thought the Agreement was going to stay in place until all 3 properties sold, never mind how long that took, he never would have signed it!!   Difficult that one.  That’s what he signed up to!!

What then took him totally by surprise is that I gave him an act of love.  I told him I loved him.  I also asked him why he resented me so much. I gave him examples of this resentment (painful for him – but he hasn’t denied them!).  I asked him what had I done to trigger this in him?  I asked him what Fairness meant to him.  Of course none of this did he understand!  I would have been surprised if he had.  What I hope though is that somewhere in the deep recesses of his pain I may have triggered some doubt.  A possibility that he could be better than he is.

He retaliated by accusing me of ” alienating him with Emotional Blackmail” and various other fairly unpleasant remarks.  Hanging on for grim death to convincing himself he was right!  I continued to give him love.

Then along comes C. Wading in with remarks of Charity and Cordiality and horror that I should be seeing such pain in H and suggesting H get help so he would love himself! How dare I!!

So I bowed out.  And I signed off with Love.

I wonder why the 3 of us had Significance as our top value. It was mine for so long – until I dug! (thanks Stephen for providing the spade!)

All I remember from our parents was masses of love.  But C said to me once that he was always made to feel like the baby of the family – I think by H.  So maybe  H has had massive control over both of his siblings.  No wonder C ran to another part of the country!  The good side is that C has been amazingly successful in his business career – maybe partly fired by his desire to prove H wrong!  The sad side is that under pressure he doesn’t bring love to the top – he resorts to being very business like and cold and he brings Fairness!

Focusing on the wrong thing they’ve got the wrong thing.  Yes they have their small crumb of financial comfort.  If the property sells within the next year they will each have saved themselves £4K maximum!  So important on an overall inheritance of much much more than that!! .  But by focusing on their fears  and then feeding themselves their ‘proof’ of this they have both confirmed in their minds that I’m the money grabbing person that H decided decades ago I was!!  But then they’re faced with a problem!  I’ve bowed out of the legally binding agreement we set up together in good faith!!  Oops!!  Proof has gone.

So I’ve learnt that under pressure (and the pressure was incredible) to stick to my top Value of Love and that by giving myself Love I can walk away from this with my head held high.  I nearly didn’t.  I nearly failed.  I needed a nudge to remind me of my Values.

But since making the decision (and coming to terms with it!) I’ve slept better!!  A sure sign my Values are in line and I’m happy with my decision.

The sad thing is that there is no way either of my siblings will understand this.  They will convince themselves that they were the ones to ‘make me see sense’,  that they were right and I was wrong and that they’ve saved me from being greedy and money grabbing!  So feeding their fears!  And remaining Stuck in a place with no growth.

6 thoughts on “What have I Learnt!

    • Thank you! The sadness is the resulting rift. More than it was before. Because whether we like it or not there is now a rift.

      What is also sad is to see someone (H) cause so much damage. He would deny he has. But actually if he would ‘take the plunge’ and go and ‘dig’ then he could become the family healer. He could spread love between the 3 of us. He could be the catalyst for change. He is the one who holds the key. I know this with such conviction is unbelievable! C & I would both respect him for it, And if he did it he would gain the one thing he craves above everything else – Significance!!

      But I can’t get him to see that. And I wonder if he ever will.

  1. Yes, I think you definitely have the upper hand even though it has created a rift. But it will disappear back to ‘normal’. You may find that the tables are turned and you become the catalyst to near harmony!

  2. Hi Caroline,

    I find it very interesting that I am 26 and have started to realize what you were trying to show your brother, interestingly while I am searching for my other way, he refuses to even contemplate that there may be another way. I mean, I am starting to realize that happiness is created inside regardless of what is happening outside. It makes me sad to think that there are people who have lived decades longer and are still searching for significance, meaning and value externally.

    As always, you have handled yourself with respect for yourself as well as your brothers and with a certain elegance that is evident in all you do. I am impressed at how far you have come in the past year. And I am ever thankful for your wisdom and words.
    xoxo – S.

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