Desired Outcomes

This came into my mind as I was driving to work this morning on my 70 mile commute!

In every conversation, email exchange, whatever we have an implicit Desired Outcome!  Mostly the outcome is not something we give much thought about.  After all asking a loved one what they’d like for dinner, or to go out shopping is a discussion where the person will either say Yes or No or a suggestion and the Desired Outcome is not going to have a huge emotional reaction or impact.

But when there is tension or a deeply important issue to be discussed then I think it’s worth thinking through what one’s Desired Outcome is before embarking on the process!

When my brother, H, suddenly announced that he felt that the 3 of us sharing my rental costs was no longer ‘fair’ his Desired Outcome was for me to agree.  When I didn’t he continued to stick to his Desired Outcome through thick and thin. So he bullied and pushed and pushed, dragging in my other brother for support.  Not for one moment throughout the exchange of numerous emails did he once consider or suggest a compromise.  I did but got no response.  So in the end I bowed out, giving him his Desired Outcome!

But has he really got the right Desired Outcome?  He has achieved his need for Control (by bullying).  But has he met his basic Human Needs at the highest level possible?

  1. Certainty
    Well he’s got Certainty – but perhaps at a rather low level as he’s achieved it by Control
  2. Uncertainty/Variety
    Not really.  There’s no variety in this unless he considers he has varied our Legal Agreement by his controlling tactics
  3. Love/Connection
    There was no love in any of this.  In fact an underlying theme throughout his emails was unless you do as I want I won’t give you love.  So it appears his love is conditional on me falling in with his Desired Outcome and control.  My other brother waded in with statements on Charity and Cordiality so not much love there either!
  4. Significance
    Well they both got Significance in that they can pat themselves on the back for making me agree.  But surely that’s Significance via Control and so achieved at rather a low level.
  5. Growth
    Did either of them experience Growth in this exchange, as in Growth within themselves.  Maybe they do feel good about themselves.  I can’t answer for them.  In fact as far as I can see the only person who experienced real Growth in this exchange was me as I put Love above the Agreement and bowed out because Love is my top Value and Need
  6. Contribution
    Have either of them contributed to enhancing our feelings for each other??  Or, more to the point My feelings for Them!

So what have I learnt and gained?  From my point of view all I now know is that for both of them their Love is, at the moment, conditional on me falling in with them, their points of view and their wishes. Actually this has been quite liberating as I now know their ground rules.  For years I’ve sought H’s approval!  Now I don’t have to because I now know his approval is totally reliant on playing by his rules without any consideration for anyone else!.  Unless he achieves exactly what he wants then he withdraws love. 

So they have their Desired Outcome – in that I have bowed to their demands which saves them each a maximum of £4k over the next year but, and it’s a big BUT, at what cost?

We all agreed just after Dad died that we needed to remain friends and keep affection and love as a focus!  For now they appear to have both lost sight of that.  They have won their Desired Outcome but the cost could be greater than they realise.  I will continue to love them both but I don’t have much desire to seek either of them out and spend a huge amount of time in their presence.  Why would I want to subject myself to such a lack of Respect and Love for me.  Also they’ve broken my Trust.  I trusted them to stick to our Agreement which we all signed in good faith.  They then both demanded that we broke that Agreement.  So how on earth can I trust them?

So, dear reader, my point is before running headlong for what one can think is a Desired Outcome stop and work out what the implications and side-effects of achieving it will bring. And if the Outcome isn’t driven primarily by Love then maybe, just maybe it’s worth tweaking it or opting for something different!

It’s just a thought!  What do you think?

8 thoughts on “Desired Outcomes

    • Thank you!

      Goodness knows how we will recover from this situation. It’s sad because it could have been avoided so easily. Time will no doubt heal. And once all the units have sold and the Agreement is wound up we won’t need to communicate so much, nor, hopefully will we ever be in a situation again where Respect and Trust are put to the test.

      Though he doesn’t realise it at the moment, he may have lost something very precious – something that money can’t buy

        • Yes It’s what I’m banking on!

          I’m a great forgiver – which is probably fortunate!!!!!

          Time may melt the iceberg which he has encased himself in. I hope so. Though help would be a good thing – though I’m positive anything I suggested would have the opposite effect. Who knows. It would be great to be proven wrong – for all the right reasons!!!

  1. Desired Outcomes–well I think your analysis of the situation was very keen and on target. Hopefully they at some point realize what they have lost in the meantime…if they are anything like my brothers, chances are slim that will occur. However, releasing myself from the expectactions of suchhas been huge for me!! Your posts are becoming quite addictive!! 🙂

  2. I like your way of turning this rather dreadful experience into something good. And how sad for you that your brothers can’t stick to what you had decided after your dad dies. Everyone is losing out, and it is sad you cannot keep carrying your parents memory and grief together (it does make for a lighter load).
    Let’s hope things change…Meanwhile, big hugs 🙂

    • It’s sad we can’t share a few giggles together – but we can’t! The important thing is that I was ‘true to myself’. Talking it through with Stephen was really helpful and useful and empowering!

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