The key

I’m consumed by an inner sadness this evening.  Not just for me and Alex and what we threw away but much more for the many people who visit here or whose blogs I’ve been reading recently.  So many of whom are facing the collapse of a relationship and the fall out that it brings and all the horrific pain attached to it.

What makes us as a species treat those we once loved with such unkindness.  What makes us want to hurt and what makes us want to destroy.

Fear that something isn’t right is definitely one reason.  Fear at not having the courage to find out the real reasons. Fear at not being good enough.  Fear at the prospect that ‘this is all there is’.  I don’t know all the answers. I’m just throwing ideas out into the ether.

But one thing I do know and I know it to the depth of my being that until we each and everyone of us find the key to who we really are and what our needs and values are,  we are destined to carry on feeling the same way.  Not necessarily exactly the same but some of the same uncertainties will surface sooner or later.

All the things people told me to do, as I worked my way out of my own particular Chilean Mine, didn’t help one jot!  Why? Well I’m me not them!  We are all unique human beings and have a unique map of the world and how we interact with it.

What did help was being guided and coached at what being me actually meant and then  looking at me differently.  Understanding me made a massive difference as I could then change the bits that weren’t serving me as they should and so become true to myself and  give myself my own unique route out. That’s all any of us can do

For those who do feel lost, insecure, frightened – whatever –  then I know there is help.   I know because I found it.  And it was ultimately great fun finding out about me!!  It didn’t totally remove the sadness of what I lost or what might have been but it has, I hope, helped me know how I’ll do things differently next time.

And there will be a next time.

Just a thought!

I shall be carrying a pineapple!

Or more stories from my earlier dating experiences!

Back then – ah those heady days when the dating organisations never dished out anything as sensible as a photo – you’d roll up at the rendezvous with not a single clue on who the hell you were looking for!

I always had a burning ambition to say I’d carry a pineapple and wear something distinctive. What the hell I’d have done with the pineapple after, as it were, being located, I’ve no idea!  I suppose we could have always eaten it!  A sort of ice-breaker moment!

One dating agency kindly suggested I dated a cousin of mine who was also on their books – despite both of us telling them we were related!  Actually he had a lot more success than me as he met his future wife through it (and they’re still happily together!).  So I do know it can work!

There was the guy who told me he’d just been released from a mental hospital!  Not a good moment!  The one who told me over coffee one Saturday morning that he was into guns – just after there had been a horrendous shooting incident not very far away when a mother and her children had been killed!  I left both of those in what can only be described as a hurry!  But there were some genuinely lovely dates who treated me well, and took me on great evenings out – one even got me a job where he worked!  It’s just I didn’t really fancy any of them!!

So for now I await to be chased and until then I shall remain chaste!  And eat pineapple!

How interesting internet dating isn’t

So a brief update on my inactivity in the internet dating world.

I’ve now cancelled my sub to eharmony as it runs out in 4 days time and I had zero responses! And I do mean ZERO!  In the entire 8 months I was on the site.  Those I contacted either didn’t respond for ‘fizzled out’ fairly quickly.

That leaves me with the Telegraph site.  The supposedly interested party of last weekend – the one who gave me his phone number twice in a fairly upbeat exchange of messages last weekend has now removed his profile from public view and has not contacted me again.  So clearly is consigned to the waste-bin!!

I shall wait developments.  But I shan’t be holding my breath!!!

I’m beginning to think this method of meeting people isn’t all it’s cracked up to be!!!

I shall get myself a cat and take up tatting!! Let my hair go grey (which doesn’t suit me) wear wrinkly tights, ill fitting skirts and old cardigans……

Hey I AM ONLY JOKING!!!!

Treating it as a game!

Years ago (and I do mean years) when I was living in London and feeling in need of more social life I joined a couple of dating agencies.  In those days nothing was on-line. It was all very much off-line!

In those days you had to release your phone number and that would be your landline – no mobiles!.  I had several dates!  Some were hysterical.

The funniest was the man who asked to meet me outside the entrance to London Zoo.  He told me, rather laboriously on the phone, that as he was a member of the zoo he could get him and me in for nothing!  (Last of the big spenders then!).  Anyway I rolled up at the appointed hour.  I spotted him before he spotted me and had a burning ambition to run.  I knew the moment I clapped eyes on this nerd walking towards me carrying a holdall that the outing was dead in the water before we even met.

Anyway in we went to the zoo!! He appeared somewhat tongue tied so I kicked things off with a  cheery teasing dig of “Do you bring them all here then!!!”

Him (in a very flat matter-of-fact voice)  “Yes.”

Somewhat dampened by this I struggled on. I discovered he was 42 (a good 12 years my senior) and – guess what – lived at home with his mother!

I discovered he was a tax inspector.  He offered to inspect my taxes!!!  A novel and somewhat direct approach I thought.  But he didn’t see the innuendo.  I declined the offer!

On we plodded.  It started to drizzle!   He put on a green cagoule anorak thing with a hood.  This did not improve his appearance.

Then we reached the area of the Lions and Tigers.

He turned to me and in an earnest voice devoid of any humour or idea of double-meaning he said:

“Ah we’ve reached the pussies.  I just love big pussies”

At this point I lost it.

Fortunately I spotted the Ladies loos and ran.  Humour took over and I stood in this refuge crying and hooting with laughter.  I couldn’t contain myself.  I laughed until I wept.

It took some considerable time for me to recover as every time I thought about what he’d said I went off into shrieks of laughter all over again.  I shared this gem with several other women – the effect from outside the ladies ‘rest room’ must have been somewhat alarming!

Finally I managed to pull myself together and re-appeared.  He looked very bemused!

I made my excuses and made for the exit.

Having choice is a good start point

We are all 100% responsible for how we react and behave.  The problems arise  when we don’t realise that and so bring out conditioned responses to situations.  Those responses which we convince ourselves are just part of us, the way we are and which we have no control over.

Wrong!  Of course we have control over them. We may just not know it!

Yesterday was a manic day for many of my staff as they worked their hearts out to ensure the company ‘open day’ ran smoothly and with no hitches.  They were put under severe pressure at times from people who should have known better, as schedules were changed or pieces of equipment failed and those who were in the limelight panicked and took it out on the only people they could – my staff.

A couple of them got edgy, their smiles became a little fixed and I could see were finding the going tough. 

I took them ‘out of circulation’ for a couple of minutes and gave them time to air their angsts and then gently encouraged them to find other choices on how they wanted to react by seeing  the rudeness of others as their inability to handle the pressure.  Soon I had them back with genuine smiles clear in the choices they had made –  that they could handle themselves better than the others as they had chosen not to get cross or be rude never mind what level of pressure they were being put through!!

We can all choose to ‘knee-jerk’ react to other people or situations.  But we don’t have to. We can choose to trust, we can choose to believe, we can choose when and with whom we want to be seen as vulnerable, we can choose when or not to control, or get angry or irritated.  We also choose to love and when and who to love and why.  The choices are endless.

One of the great things life coaching brings is learning how to get these endless choices and so have them at our finger tips to use when we choose to use them.

So many people I know have said to me “Don’t do any of that life coaching stuff on me I don’t want to know anything more about me than I do already”

Goodness me why ever not!  Because it doesn’t remove choice it just opens up the world to more choice and more choice I believe, gives you the chance to be the best possible person you can be as you’re not being hampered by the lack of it.

A year makes all the difference!

A year ago (just about) I went out on a date.  I had  lots of expectations – all of which were dashed!  The individual a “Mr Friday” if I recall was not blessed with many social graces! (click to find out!).  I’ve seen the funny side of the encounter ever since  – but dates since then have been thin on the ground.  In fact, dear reader, non-existent!

Well enough is enough!  I logged on to one of the sites I seem to be subscribed to and decided to be a bit more pro-active.  I emailed a few ‘likely’ men and one has replied.  We exchanged a few messages at the weekend and spoke on the phone on Sunday evening.  We may meet next weekend!  During the day this time!

I have to say I’m not that convinced about this particular specimen of the human race as he hasn’t bothered to message me since our phone call since Sunday and as I was the one that phoned him (I’m not releasing my phone no. just to any stranger!) I’m not that impressed!

So whereas a year ago my expectations were high and I so wanted the whole thing to pan out brilliantly, now, a year later, I find I’m just mildly curious to meet this man.  If he’s nice I may like to see him again.  I’ll see!

What I seem to have finally got rid of is carrying around all my ‘baggage’ from my divorce.  Yes I still miss Alex (rather more than I’d wish)  but I have a new confidence in me that’s saying  I’m fine on my own until the right person turns up.

I’m probably not putting this very well.  But I know what I mean.  It’s sort of feeling more in charge of me and a feeling that I don’t need to be reliant on anyone else to make me feel safe any more.  I can do that for myself.

Yes, I still feel lonely and I really don’t like being on my own but I can wait and it’s OK.