There is a big but also sometimes subtle difference!
OK I know there are some people whose only ‘operating method’ is out and out control. They don’t and won’t consider anyone else’s point-of-view other than their own, and by and large expect everyone around them to fall in with their map of the world! They want to be in charge of every situation that remotely impinges on their life.
But what makes them this way. After all they can’t have been born like that! Now I realise I could say that all people control through a position of fear. Maybe a fear so deep rooted that they don’t recognise it as such but fear none-the-less. But that would be a generalisation and a sloppy use of language. Also a statement based on no proof. I haven’t met ‘everyone’ so how could I possibly know!
Then there are the subtle changes that turn some people into controllers. Again is this fear that does this – some of the time or all of the time? It’s an interesting thought and one I’m enjoying exploring. What motivates people to take on these stances.
There is also the point that controllers can only control if the one they are wanting to control decides to feel controlled and allow themselves to be controlled. If they decide not to feel controlled or be controlled, then control cannot happen? Presumably!
Alex accused me of controlling him. I didn’t think I did at all. But in his eyes and with his map of the world I did. I know I was scared I’d lose him and so very likely behaved in ways that just made the situation worse! In protecting what we had did I become some dreadful, controlling harridan? I hope not! But maybe that’s how he saw me. Did I make him feel powerless to change everything around him apart from running? I muse on this! Why? Well it’s important stuff. After all in my quest to become a good Life Coach it’s important to see and understand behaviour patterns and what triggers them in each of us and understanding me gives me the metaphors to use to help others.
For me, the feeling that the person in your life is there for you, supporting and looking out for you. That they will always be there for you but making sure you have the freedom to be yourself.
I know what I wanted in life from ‘my man’ was to be protected but not controlled. There is a difference and the difference is so important. I have a sneaky suspicion though that I didn’t allow him to protect me. I know he wanted to! But for some reason I blocked him.
The point is when does protection become control and are we blind to the subtle changes until it’s too late??
I’d love to hear what you think…………