The key

I’m consumed by an inner sadness this evening.  Not just for me and Alex and what we threw away but much more for the many people who visit here or whose blogs I’ve been reading recently.  So many of whom are facing the collapse of a relationship and the fall out that it brings and all the horrific pain attached to it.

What makes us as a species treat those we once loved with such unkindness.  What makes us want to hurt and what makes us want to destroy.

Fear that something isn’t right is definitely one reason.  Fear at not having the courage to find out the real reasons. Fear at not being good enough.  Fear at the prospect that ‘this is all there is’.  I don’t know all the answers. I’m just throwing ideas out into the ether.

But one thing I do know and I know it to the depth of my being that until we each and everyone of us find the key to who we really are and what our needs and values are,  we are destined to carry on feeling the same way.  Not necessarily exactly the same but some of the same uncertainties will surface sooner or later.

All the things people told me to do, as I worked my way out of my own particular Chilean Mine, didn’t help one jot!  Why? Well I’m me not them!  We are all unique human beings and have a unique map of the world and how we interact with it.

What did help was being guided and coached at what being me actually meant and then  looking at me differently.  Understanding me made a massive difference as I could then change the bits that weren’t serving me as they should and so become true to myself and  give myself my own unique route out. That’s all any of us can do

For those who do feel lost, insecure, frightened – whatever –  then I know there is help.   I know because I found it.  And it was ultimately great fun finding out about me!!  It didn’t totally remove the sadness of what I lost or what might have been but it has, I hope, helped me know how I’ll do things differently next time.

And there will be a next time.

Just a thought!

7 thoughts on “The key

  1. People grow apart. I don’t think it’s necessarily about one person wanting to go out of their way to upset or destroy the other person – it’s just about wanting a different life than they have already.
    For a while (sometimes a long time) it does hurt, but just because one had that love and feelings of connection in the past, doesn’t mean that it won’t happen again.. if not better!

    I’ve had long term relationships from my late teens and through my twenties. I’ve had partners that have lasted five years to a few months to a few nights. I’ve put everything I’ve had into them and been gutted when they ended, but that grief doesn’t last forever.

    In time you realise that they were just a phase in your life.. an important phase! And if you’re strong and lucky enough to just hold your head above the water until the storm passes then, sometimes, just sometimes, you can find someone out there that is even better.
    I’m a bit past love (that sounds quite cold) but I’ve realised it’s better to be in love with life and all the pleasures it has to hold.
    Men don’t love the same as we do, so to be made happy by their love is a fatal hope.

    I’ve sat and done all the crying I wanted to do. When you find out you’re wasting your time you start putting your energies into more worthwhile causes.
    Men are really not worth the bother (not all, but most)
    Enjoy their friendship, the laughs, whatever else you can get from them, but never invest hardcore emotions.

    ‘never make someone a priority when you were only an option’

    • ‘each to their own’! Each person runs their life uniquely. And what works for one person won’t necessarily work for another.

      What happened at the end of my 17 year marriage was and remains unique to my marriage. Most, but not all, of which is written here!

      I wish you success in your life but what is it within you that suggests you don’t trust half the human race (men)! From the way you write you appear to have built a protective wall around you and a decision that you don’t trust them.

      We all have our own unique way of dealing with the world. Feeling totally relaxed and happy with our own truth is fine. It’s when it isn’t that it’s worth doing some exploration!

      • All my best friends are men, so it isn’t like I have some kind of personal anti- men complex or distrust. I’ve even trusted men I don’t even know with my life.

        Everyone’s experiences with men or women in their life is unique to them. There’s never two identical relationships or partnerships.
        But there are very similar patterns to what women want and what men need.
        Men and women are not the same. Biologically and mentally we are different. I’ve found out that difference through a lot of personal hurt and experience.

        I’m sorry if you feel upset my point of view, it’s not intended to clash with yours or displease you. For me, personally, when I took off the rose-tinted glasses and found out how things really ticked along and discovered the mechanics of how things work – I got a better outcome. Gone are the anxiety attacks (which do occasionally come back.. but I think, like everything else, when you’ve had one it’s easy to have another!)
        gone are the sleepless nights, worry, upset, feelings of despair and hopelessness. I’ve been so let down and heart broken I didn’t wash or leave the house in months.
        Who hasn’t been here before? One woman I know found out her husband was gay after 60 years of marriage and after he’d died. She couldn’t even get angry with him, because he wasn’t even there to argue with. All her life she thought something was no ‘right’. They’d got three grown up children, apart from a few domestics a great marriage and yet he’d been sleeping with other men and kept gay porn hidden under drawers in THEIR bedroom.

        It isn’t that I don’t trust, it’s about trusting yourself, being happy with your own company, not putting all your eggs into one basket thinking one man can make all your dreams come true. No one can do that except yourself. I was just commenting on the bigger picture and not your personal case. I hope I’ve sort of clarified that somehow now? x

        • Not in the least upset! Just interested that you appear to be coming across rather defensive! And I just wondered why?

          Trust in yourself is as you say a key component. I wonder perhaps something else for you is missing…..

          • Well if I comeacross as defensive then again, I appologise. I have nothing to be defensive about. I like the topic that’sall.
            And nothing’s missing. I couldhave told you a different story 12 months ago, but right now I’m very complete and very happy.
            Keepon posting the goodblogsI enjoyreading them.

  2. Interesting post, and interesting dialogue here between Nicola and you Caroline.
    It resonates with me in a particular way today, and leaves me deep in thoughts. To be honest, I can see why Nicola would be so cautious, and having experienced countless failed relationships, I can see why she wouldnt invest too much into a new one.
    But this thought also depresses me. Is this really all there is to a successful relationship? Limited emotional investment and trust?
    I want to believe in something better than that.
    And I sincerely hope to get it, becsause it almost feels as though I am wasting my best years being unhappy and alone, and that thought is unbearable.

    • No, not at all. None of them have been failures. I’ve never seen one ‘split up’ as a disaster or failure -quite the reverse!
      It’s all been great experience taking me to a place where I feel at my most confident.
      I suppose I have some teeny tiny worries now and again with my most recent partner (but that’s natural)

      I can safely say now that I don’t have that angst I used to feel in previous relationships where I’d be left with doubt and confusion of something I’d probably said and done wrong. I’m not endorsing limiting your emotions or distrusting anyone – I’m just saying that it’s important to know that the mechanics of how a woman and a man love are very, very different.
      Caroline’s approach and mine is different. Mine is based on personal research and lots of male friends who have left their wives (who’ve even been married more than once) tell me how it really is from their point of view – the reasons why they go, why they stay and ways to make it last.
      Don’t forget, we’re brought up with an idea of how love is meant to be, but when it’s put into practice in real life (not fairytales or romance novels) we see how tricky it can be.
      But it doesn’t have to be difficult – in fact, it shouldn’t require much effort at all. If you’re in a relationship that IS feeling like a lot of hard work on your part (I’m not suggesting you are) then it’s important to take a step back and re-think just what it is you’re trying to get that other person to do.

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