It’s easier done than said!

The big problem I had dear reader, and by that I mean the problem of creating a good new  fun future for myself, was I kept talking myself out of it!

Every time I created a new future for myself, I’d then spend many unproductive hours talking myself out of it.  I’d come up with more buts and excuses than anyone could possibly imagine.

Why?  Well it could have been a lack of faith in myself. But more, I think, because I had a perverse pleasure in doing myself down and feeling sorry for myself!  And a belief that there was someone out there who was going to bounce over the horizon and do all the doing for me! So the best thing was to rely on that rather than do anything myself!!

Talking myself out of ideas took a lot of energy and determination!  Whilst creating fun futures didn’t!  A lesson to be learnt there!!

Don’t get me wrong it doesn’t hurt to question. But (and a good but in this case!) It does hurt to destroy.  I was, for a time, a good destroyer.

I’ve been having a potter round the blogs I follow and take an interest in!  There are those who are going through similar very traumatic breakups.  Some fairly new, some not.  Some people are doing better than others at focusing on their futures.  These things can take time.

Or maybe they don’t!

Personally I don’t believe telling people to “Let go” or “Move on” or “Stop thinking of the past”  is very helpful as presumably they would have already done it if they knew how!  Actually guiding people to new futures is what helps.  How we all achieve that is a very personal thing.  Some will surf the internet and get all they feel they need from there, some will talk it out in the pub with their friends  – who will by and large probably only give them advice from their own perspective (which usually means they’re talking about their own issues from their own map of the world – which isn’t yours!).  Some will do as I did and seek professional help.

A case of each to his own!

All I know is I discovered that change can be amazingly fast!  In many cases not a case of weeks, more a case of days or even hours or even minutes!

Perhaps the tough bit is taking the steps to trust the process.  To give oneself the freedom to explore and accept that there are other choices and allowing ourselves to take those choices on board and to find out what happens if we do.  After all no-one can make anyone change!  That desire and willingness has to come from within.

But  what actually happens if we don’t.   If we don’t we can continue to attempt to “Not think of a red telephone”  (Not my quote – but a brilliant concept). We can continue doggedly to  hang on to our own personal  roundabout and hope that someone somewhere will eventually drag us off.  We can continue to hope we will feel differently tomorrow and all the other myriad of daydreams that we are all capable of creating.

However,  it’s down to each of us to jump.  And jumping once you’ve talked yourself into doing so is only a matter of a split second.

17 thoughts on “It’s easier done than said!

  1. I realise it is for me to jump, and not for someone to pull me off the roundabout.

    But however uncomfortable the current situation is, there still remains a fear of the unknown. What exactly are you jumping into?

    • I suppose I jumped last November by committing to loads of training.

      I acknowledged to myself the other day that I need one more ‘jump’. So I’ve arranged a coaching session with the specific intention to give myself other choices when I wake.

      My ‘red telephone’ is still Alex on more occasions than I like. I’ve created a ‘home’ for this but it’s a home which is not giving me what I want and making me miserable when I first wake in the morning. So as I appear to be unable to run the processes to remove these thoughts (which I know will work) on myself, I’ve asked Stephen to coach me through them.

      • I admire you. You admit to having the same struggle of letting go of that person you thought you would be spending the rest of your life with, yet you are still able to move on.

        • The ‘moving on’ is difficult. Hence my decision to have a coaching session.

          I am now in an interesting position. I know what coaching brought me. I also have had the privilege of learning how to coach others! So I can see it all from both sides of the coin so-to-speak.

          Some things I am now able to coach myself out of! And have!! But others – like my issues with miserable mornings – I haven’t been so successful with! Partly as I’m attempting to be coach and client on myself at the same time so I don’t get the benefit of being either!!

          The problem Stephen probably now has is using techniques which I buy into rather than me sitting there analysing what he’s saying and why!!

          What I do know that if successful the change will be swift and permanent!
          What I’m hoping is that I do jump. I intend to!!

          And after all once you’ve jumped off the moving roundabout – it’s bloody difficult to get back on!! And why would you want to!

          • I hope you do special rates for you own LC.

            It must now be more difficult to go to your LC, as you say, you are more interested in his techniques and how he employs them, than actually getting involved having them applied to you.

            • I don’t charge myself!!! I found it was easier (and cheaper) not to!!

              As to how my next session with Stephen will go – hopefully well!. I must go with the flow! It is all so interesting!

  2. Funny how my mornings also tend to be about red telephones, and doubting myself… Contrary to you though, I find that embracing change isn’t something which happens over a minute, hours, or even days.
    For me, it is a gradual process, which, very much like healing isn’t linear, and isn’t dramatic. But over time, there’s an overall trend towards more good days, more of the changed me, less talking myself out of things and roundabouts…
    Good luck with that final ‘jump’.
    x

    • It’s all about committing to change which is why I wrote the post.

      Discovering that change can be swift was an eye opener!

      It’s all about allowing oneself other choices. It is our conscious minds which slow us down. Our unconscious can change rapidly.

      That’s how phobic responses are learnt! A once off learning process, probably when quite young, which then stays with us. So if we can learn something like that fast we can also learn and change other things fast. It’s a case of allowing change to happen which can be slow!

  3. I have nothing against red telephones. I like them! It was my ambition to have one of the old dial telephones in bright red. So ‘don’t think of red telephones’ is hard for me. Don’t think of penguins is a much better option. Penguins might eat the red telephones.
    However, I think what outsiders don’t always appreciate is that emotions can’t be dealt with to order. That’s why ‘letting go’, ‘move on’, ‘stop thinking of the past’ are of no help. The last, especially, can never be done! It’s OK to use them as some sort of goal, or breathe a sigh at some stage and say one has let go and moved on, but irritating up to that point.

    • But finding you have more choices and freeing yourself to have them can be swift. As in a matter of minutes. Being in that place where those choices are congruent with your values and your being.

      I believe you know that!

  4. I hear what you’re saying, it’s the commitment to change rather than the change itself that’s a gradual thing.
    I am still not that convinced that change can be that dramatic and swift (at least for me). It seems to happen pretty much as I commit to it, and to suffer the same set-backs and slow-downs as my commitment. In other words I find it difficult to disociate the commitment to change from the change itself: They seem to follow exactly the same patterns.

    • So what does making a change mean to you? Do you remember learning something, perhaps at school or college and not understanding and then suddenly the ‘penny drops’ and everything becomes clear. Perhaps it was that time you learnt to swim or ride a bicycle. When before it seemed impossible and yet suddenly you could do it.

      What did that feel like within you?

  5. It’s that first act of going into something you aren’t familiar with that is the toughy. At least it is for me. After that I don’t seem to have any problems moving forward. In fact, I act a little to fearlessly at times.

  6. So true, we do have to do things at our own pace but it is tough watching someone who you know needs to jump, or fly but can’t quite make the move. I guess that’s where a good and patient friend comes in. I know for me the friends that helped the most were the ones that were willing to stand beside me until I decided to jump.

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