So this is me.
I live in England. I am in my late 50s (well I was when I started this blog!!)
I was married for 17 years to a wonderful, kind, gentle, considerate man. We both work. We don’t have any children.
We spent wonderful holidays travelling. Nearly always independently.
We drove through remote parts of Southern Africa – deep into the Kalahari and Namib deserts. Places of incredible spine-tingling beauty. Places untouched and as nature had intended them. We shared these incredible moments together. We watched the sun go down over the salt pans in Botswana. We got chased by an elephant, watched a leopard stalk its prey…. I could go on!
All these amazing experiences we had. Incredibly special.
The rest of the time we seemed so close. We never argued. I thought we were so close. It felt so to me. He was my hero, the man I felt was there to protect and cherish me.
Alex, my husband, is a very private man and it was this that finally turned out to be the problem. He bottled up issues and never aired them. He ended up, he says, always agreeing with me even when he didn’t want to. And I never realised. He appeared to be happy and we shared and enjoyed so many hobbies and times together that the shock – in February 2009 – was indescribable when he said he was leaving.
But – as is nearly always the case – He had met another woman (OW). He described her as the most amazing woman he had ever met! How I feel about her doesn’t matter. I have met her. But Alex appears infatuated.
The other problem we both had to contend with was death. Alex lost his mother a week before he left me and I think it was that -as well as the other issue – that triggered the melt down. Alex had a very controlling mother (well I found her so) and I think her passing caused a whole lot of childhood issues to hurtle to the surface. And of course OW was there as the one with no emotional baggage – for him to pour his heart out to.
Eight months later my father died (at the ripe old age of 100) so it has been a tough tough year.
But then – is Alex infatuated? He has spent the last year dithering! Twice he has said he wanted to come back, that he still loved me and wanted to be with me.
On several other occasions he has said he wanted to be sure that if he does come back it will be for the right reasons. Then suddenly he turns into this cold person and says he wants a permanent separation.
Now we are going down the divorce route. I so so don’t want to do this but circumstances have pushed me into this and I need to know where I stand financially.
I have spent almost every waking moment of every day thinking about him. I have cried more than I thought was possible.
I have spent hours awake every night. I have screamed at the walls. I didn’t know how hollow and painful anything could be.
I am determined. Not to seek revenge. Not to be bitter. Not to be resentful. I can’t even get angry. I am just very very sad.
To throw away all the good because something wasn’t quite right is terribly sad. I would go to counselling with him but – at the moment – he doesn’t appear to want to do this despite saying it would help us.
So now I am going to find a way to get through this – I have to. And if by writing this blog I can not only find a route but maybe show others a way too then I will win
Wish me luck
Update – December 2010
So much has happened since I began this blog in April. In many ways I wish I had started it earlier so I could really see how far I’ve come from the start. From that moment of meltdown.
But here I am now eight months on from the start of the blog and 22 months from when Alex left.
The issues I thought he had are much more deep rooted than I realised. And I do know now that I can do nothing. He has to find his own path – on his own. Until he truly believes and loves himself then he cannot love me (or maybe anyone else) with the honesty and depth of feeling I believe in.
That’s not to say I’m through this yet. I still have a way to go. I am at ground level – out of my Chilean Mine. But I intend to soar. I want a future which is going to be stupendous. And with the help of my Life Coach I am going to get it!
So to all those who read this blog who are going through what I have been through. All I would say is give yourself a goal – even a small one to start with. Do what works for you. Don’t give up on you. Because we are all special. We deserve respect. Love yourself, be true to yourself.
Let your emotions run riot if you want. I let mine loose on this blog. It’s a great place to say what I want to say – for me and no-one else. This is my refuge where I can scream and rant and rage at life’s injustices when I want to!
I said – in my first post – “Why Me?” and answered that first question with: “Why Not”. And I still believe it – It can’t be anything else (I am not someone who is more special than anyone else or who should be protected against hurt any more than anyone else should be) – but
I would add one more statement to this.
“Thank goodness it was!” Because if I hadn’t had this happen to me then I wouldn’t have spent the last 3 months finding out about a side of me I didn’t know existed and who I really like. And I’m still learning!
And as my marriage hits the end and our divorce is just a few weeks away, I hope I have dealt with all this with dignity – which mattered so much to me. I have stuck to that throughout as in this instance Dignity was the value that mattered most to me.
It is incredibly sad. We have thrown away so much. But I can’t stop him doing that. And I hope I will learn from all that has happened.
I don’t intend to stop my blog yet. I still have a whole lot more to write about – it’s just not happened yet!!……….
6 Dec 2010
Updated 4 September 2011 (which I’ve just realised is Alex’s 53rd birthday – and no I haven’t sent him a card or email!)
I continue to learn! I am in a far better place than I was this time last year when I started the Life Coaching. When it all seemed so foreign and alien!
So here I am a 60 yr old – still feeling 35 inside. And now determined to create the best possible me and give me the best possible future I can. Blog On!! I intend to!