Me!


April 2010:

So this is me.

I live in England.  I am in my late 50s (well I was when I started this blog!!)

I was married for 17 years to a wonderful, kind, gentle, considerate man.  We both work.  We don’t have any children.

We spent wonderful holidays travelling.  Nearly always independently.

We drove through remote parts of Southern Africa – deep into the Kalahari and Namib deserts. Places of incredible spine-tingling beauty.  Places untouched and as nature had intended them.  We shared these incredible moments together.  We watched the sun go down over the salt pans in Botswana.  We got chased by an elephant, watched a leopard stalk its prey….  I could go on!

All these amazing experiences we had.  Incredibly special.

The rest of the time we seemed so close.  We never argued.  I thought we were so close.  It felt so to me.  He was my hero, the man I felt was there to protect and cherish me.

Alex, my husband, is a very private man and it was this that finally turned out to be the problem.  He bottled up issues and never aired them.  He ended up, he says, always agreeing with me even when he didn’t want to.  And I never realised.  He appeared to be happy and we shared and enjoyed so many hobbies and times together that the shock  – in February 2009 – was indescribable when he said he was leaving.

But – as is nearly always the case – He had met another woman  (OW).  He described her as the most amazing woman he had ever met!   How I feel about her doesn’t matter.  I have met her.   But Alex appears infatuated.

The other problem we both had to contend with was death.  Alex lost his mother a week before he left me and I think it was that -as well as the other issue – that triggered the melt down.  Alex had a very controlling mother (well I found her so)  and I think her passing caused a whole lot of childhood issues to hurtle to the surface.  And of  course OW was there as the one with no emotional baggage –  for him to pour his heart out to.

Eight months later my father died (at the ripe old age of 100) so it has been a tough tough year.

But then  – is Alex infatuated?   He has spent the last year dithering!   Twice he has said he wanted to come back, that he still loved me and wanted to be with me.

On several other occasions he has said he wanted to be sure that if he does come back it will be for the right reasons.   Then suddenly he turns into this cold person and says he wants a permanent separation.

Now we are going down the divorce route.  I so so don’t want to do this but circumstances have pushed me into this and I need to know where I stand financially.

I have spent almost every waking moment of every day thinking about him.  I have cried more than I thought was possible.

I have spent hours awake every night.  I have screamed at the walls.  I didn’t know how hollow and painful anything could be.

BUT

I am determined.  Not to seek revenge.  Not to be bitter.  Not to be resentful.  I can’t even get angry.  I am just very very sad.

To throw away all the good because something wasn’t quite right is terribly sad.  I would go to counselling with him but – at the moment – he doesn’t appear to want to do this despite saying it would help us.

So now I am going to find a way to get through this – I have to.   And if by writing this blog I can not only find a route but maybe show others a way too then I will win

Wish me luck

Caroline
April 2010

Update – December 2010

So much has happened since I began this blog in April.  In many ways I wish I had started it earlier so I could really see how far I’ve come from the start.  From that moment of meltdown.

But here I am now eight months on from the start of the blog and 22 months from when Alex left.

The issues I thought he had are much more deep rooted than I realised. And I do know now that I can do nothing.  He has to find his own path – on his own.  Until he truly believes and loves himself then he cannot love me (or maybe anyone else) with the honesty and depth of feeling I believe in.

That’s not to say I’m through this yet.  I still have a way to go.  I am at ground level – out of my Chilean Mine. But I intend to soar.  I want a future which is going to be stupendous. And with the help of my Life Coach I am going to get it!

So to all those who read this blog who are going through what I have been through.  All I would say is give yourself a goal – even a small one to start with.  Do what works for you.  Don’t give up on you.  Because we are all special.  We deserve respect.  Love yourself, be true to yourself.

Let your emotions run riot if you want.  I let mine loose on this blog.  It’s a great place to say what I want to say – for me and no-one else.  This is my refuge where I can scream and rant and rage at life’s injustices when I want to!

I said – in my first post – “Why Me?”  and answered that first question with:  “Why Not”.  And I still believe it  –  It can’t be anything else (I am not someone who is more special than anyone else or who should be protected against hurt any more than anyone else should be)  – but

I would add one more statement to this.

“Thank goodness it was!”  Because if I hadn’t had this happen to me then I wouldn’t have spent the last 3 months finding out about a side of me I didn’t know existed and who I really like.  And I’m still learning!

And as my marriage hits the end and our divorce is just a few weeks away, I hope I  have dealt with all this with dignity – which mattered so much to me.  I have stuck to that throughout as in this instance Dignity was the value that mattered most to me.

It is incredibly sad.  We have thrown away so much.  But I can’t stop him doing that.  And I hope I will learn from all that has happened.

I don’t intend to stop my blog yet.  I still have a whole lot more to write about – it’s just not happened yet!!……….

Caroline
6 Dec 2010

Updated 4 September 2011 (which I’ve just realised is Alex’s 53rd birthday – and no I haven’t sent him a card or email!)

I continue to learn!  I am in a far better place than I was this time last year when I started the Life Coaching. When it all seemed so foreign and alien!

So here I am a 60 yr old – still feeling 35 inside.  And now determined to create the best possible me and give me the best possible future I can.  Blog On!!  I intend to!

40 thoughts on “Me!

  1. This is my first visit to this blog!
    “I am determined. Not to seek revenge. Not to be bitter. Not to be resentful. I can’t even get angry. I am just very very sad” i needed these lines at this moment..

    For you i wish everything to get fine..:)
    God bless..!!

  2. wow, what an incredible story.
    im sorry for your pain. i too have felt your pain.
    it destroyed me as a woman, mother and a human being.
    but
    slowly.. life is starting to make sense again.
    i think about him all the time. i wonder what he’s doing and who he is doing it with and then the tears come flooding..but in my case, i have this wonderful little person who gives my head a shake and dries my tears away.

    i have yet to see my husband, as im overseas with the baby.. eventually i will have to face him and this scares the living hell out of me. but i have 4 months before that day will come so im going to try everything in my power to just keep my head up and not fold.

    always remember, this is Alex’s loss, not yours ❤

    • Thanks for your comments. My thoughts are with you too. In my case everything seems so surreal. and the tears when they hit are just overwhelming. A case of go with the flow (in more ways than one!). Yes it is Alex’s loss. Deep down I know that. Anyway hugs to you and your lovely baby.xxx

  3. Caroline,

    I know I haven’t managed to say it for myself yet, and I too think continuously of the past as wasted time (read my post). But I guess we should all stop looking at the past 10 or 20 years and look forward to the next 30.

    Good luck!

  4. Crazy huh? Life is full of surprises and sometimes blessings in disguise. I can relate with what you are going through and even though it’s been an emotional rollercoaster the ride is worth it. Fly high Caroline you are on your way to the next stage of your life and it’s going to be filled with joy and happiness 🙂

  5. I saw you peeked in on my blog, and thought I’d just stop by yours to say “Hello”.
    “Well, hello Caroline. My name is Lou! (aka ‘Pissy Kitty’) 🙂
    I still find it so astonishing how it seems all of us middle-aged women ended up blogging for the same reasons. In a nutshell, trying to figure out who we really are and what truly makes ‘us’ happy without being defined by someone else. This task is so much tougher than it looks. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I’m glad you stopped by my site, and am now going to have to check out yours a little more thoroughly. Again…good to meet you!

  6. Your blog is so full of energy and life despite all the pain you have been through. Your personality and character shine through your words. You may not always feel inspired as you work through things (though I’m sure you will more and more), but you are certainly inspiring!

  7. Caroline…all strength to you. Time is never wasted, there is always so much to draw from experiences later, so the time with ‘him’ was just to set you up for YOU. (Who knew, right?) Incredible grace, fortitude and sensitivity…well done.

  8. —Caroline,

    I am thrilled you are going forward w/ your life….Writing & Finding yourself once again.

    How interesting reading about your journey. X

    btw, I’m glad you did not send what’s his name a card!

  9. Hi Caroline, you have been to my blog many times and sorry to say this is my first visit here.
    What a story, and to put it into words must have been so hard.
    You have to be brave and get on with your life.
    I’l be back, keep well., Harry

  10. Hi Caroline, I’d just like to wish you lots of love and luck with your journey. What a rocky length of the road you’ve travelled. I’m glad you’ve found an outlet for your thoughts here – I particularly enjoyed your poem with the Values tag… it’s brilliant.

    Great blog, thank you for sharing your inspiration and strength with us. xxx

  11. You’re strong, and intelligent, and from what I know of you, beautiful inside. I feel bad that you have to suffer through this. I feel surprised that someone would be going through so many emotional and developmental changes in this stage of his life. If (and unfortunately, when) my mother dies, I will be sad for the part of my life that had her in it that will miss her, but I absolutely cannot see any way in which this will change me, my outlook or my personality – because, in so many ways, she is who made me this way.

    You deserve happiness, and you will find it, Caroline. It is seeking you right now!

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