If you stop you’ll get rammed……

My journey to work this morning started calmly!  The sun was shining (a bonus), I was doing a reasonable speed in the slow lane of the motorway. I was listening to some gentle music of the classical variety.  I was at peace with the world.

Those on my side of the motorway were doing the decent thing and all travelling in the same direction………………..

Except for ONE!

All of a sudden the very large 4×4 in the middle lane next to me realised that he was fast approaching a car that wasn’t going anywhere.  It wasn’t moving…….  AT ALL!  There was no traffic jam – no this car was just ‘parked’ in the middle lane with no brake-lights, warnings or hazard lights explaining its predicament.

Now approaching a solid stationary object when you’re doing over 70 mph means everything is going to happen rather fast.

The 4×4 braked and swerved violently into my lane, rocking somewhat precariously into my path …….

I braked and swerved into the hard-shoulder (emergency lane)……..

We all missed each other!

I’m not too sure how! 

There could have been utter carnage. 

There wasn’t!  Thank goodness

The 4×4 and I continued our journeys – rather shakily…..

So my suggestion for today to my reader is –  if you’re going in a forwards direction and feel in need of recouping your resources choose a sensible place to do so and inform others of your intentions, because if you suddenly stop in the wrong place you’ll end up getting rammed…….  sooner or later!

Good morning world. 

I’m still here!! 

 

I shall be carrying a pineapple!

Or more stories from my earlier dating experiences!

Back then – ah those heady days when the dating organisations never dished out anything as sensible as a photo – you’d roll up at the rendezvous with not a single clue on who the hell you were looking for!

I always had a burning ambition to say I’d carry a pineapple and wear something distinctive. What the hell I’d have done with the pineapple after, as it were, being located, I’ve no idea!  I suppose we could have always eaten it!  A sort of ice-breaker moment!

One dating agency kindly suggested I dated a cousin of mine who was also on their books – despite both of us telling them we were related!  Actually he had a lot more success than me as he met his future wife through it (and they’re still happily together!).  So I do know it can work!

There was the guy who told me he’d just been released from a mental hospital!  Not a good moment!  The one who told me over coffee one Saturday morning that he was into guns – just after there had been a horrendous shooting incident not very far away when a mother and her children had been killed!  I left both of those in what can only be described as a hurry!  But there were some genuinely lovely dates who treated me well, and took me on great evenings out – one even got me a job where he worked!  It’s just I didn’t really fancy any of them!!

So for now I await to be chased and until then I shall remain chaste!  And eat pineapple!

Treating it as a game!

Years ago (and I do mean years) when I was living in London and feeling in need of more social life I joined a couple of dating agencies.  In those days nothing was on-line. It was all very much off-line!

In those days you had to release your phone number and that would be your landline – no mobiles!.  I had several dates!  Some were hysterical.

The funniest was the man who asked to meet me outside the entrance to London Zoo.  He told me, rather laboriously on the phone, that as he was a member of the zoo he could get him and me in for nothing!  (Last of the big spenders then!).  Anyway I rolled up at the appointed hour.  I spotted him before he spotted me and had a burning ambition to run.  I knew the moment I clapped eyes on this nerd walking towards me carrying a holdall that the outing was dead in the water before we even met.

Anyway in we went to the zoo!! He appeared somewhat tongue tied so I kicked things off with a  cheery teasing dig of “Do you bring them all here then!!!”

Him (in a very flat matter-of-fact voice)  “Yes.”

Somewhat dampened by this I struggled on. I discovered he was 42 (a good 12 years my senior) and – guess what – lived at home with his mother!

I discovered he was a tax inspector.  He offered to inspect my taxes!!!  A novel and somewhat direct approach I thought.  But he didn’t see the innuendo.  I declined the offer!

On we plodded.  It started to drizzle!   He put on a green cagoule anorak thing with a hood.  This did not improve his appearance.

Then we reached the area of the Lions and Tigers.

He turned to me and in an earnest voice devoid of any humour or idea of double-meaning he said:

“Ah we’ve reached the pussies.  I just love big pussies”

At this point I lost it.

Fortunately I spotted the Ladies loos and ran.  Humour took over and I stood in this refuge crying and hooting with laughter.  I couldn’t contain myself.  I laughed until I wept.

It took some considerable time for me to recover as every time I thought about what he’d said I went off into shrieks of laughter all over again.  I shared this gem with several other women – the effect from outside the ladies ‘rest room’ must have been somewhat alarming!

Finally I managed to pull myself together and re-appeared.  He looked very bemused!

I made my excuses and made for the exit.

Maths Question!

Why is it that some people can’t just come to the point?

Conversation with  S at work this morning.  S is VERY IMPORTANT, as she keeps reminding me!!!  This I find funny!

S:  I had to go to France last week with staff member G
Me:  Yes I know

S:  We went by Eurostar on the first train of the morning
Me:  Well done!  ( private thought:  slightly baffled as to where this is heading)

S:  I arranged for 2 taxis to pick us up from our homes to get us to the station on time.  I arranged G’s taxi to pick him up 45 minutes before mine as he lives 45 minutes further from London than I do.
Me:  Well done (still baffled – but concerned at this point that the taxi firm had let someone down by arriving late and they’d failed to catch the train – so I would have to tick them off)

S:  He got there 30 minutes early.  What do you think of that?
Me:  (relieved!) Great.  Glad neither of you missed the train!

S:  Think about it.
Me:  Why? (I think I may have been grinning by this stage!)

S.  Well work it out.  He got there early.   He texted me to say he’d arrived  I was still in my taxi.
Me:  Clearly or he wouldn’t have texted you.  (I nearly added I hadn’t realised you were having a race!)

S: 
You don’t see it do you?
Me:  Clearly not!

(At this point I felt as if for some reason I was being set one of those dreadful maths questions we got at school which always involved long explanations of some ghastly form of vehicular motion with 2 or more participants, going in opposite or similar directions and usually  questions at the end on the lines of Where was S when G arrived at the station?   How far apart were the cars?  What was the make of the car ?  And what colour socks was the driver wearing?)

S:  Well I’ll just have to tell you
Me: Oh please do! (thinking I rather wish you would – you could have told me several mintues ago!)

S: (Triumphantly!)  The taxi driver must have been breaking the speed limit.  In fact by my calculations he must have been driving at over 100 mph!
Me:  Wow!

S:  Well. What are you going to do about it?
Me: (Thinking well not a lot really!).  Was G scared?  What would you like me to do?

S: (Treating me now as if I was a deliquent 5 yr old).  I want you to report the driver to the taxi firm.  And point out to them that The OPERATIONS DIRECTOR is unhappy.
Me:  OK. But I don’t need to drag you into it S.  Just my voice on the end of the phone will be sufficient – I’m the manager of the contract!!!

At this point she tittered and then stomped off with an air of mission accomplished and ready to find her next victim to sort out!  This is  one busy lady!!

Have I reported the driver.  Well no!  I rang poor G – who wasn’t at all bothered by the speed he’d been driven!   So I think I’ll let the matter rest.

But don’t give me away dear reader as I’m not telling her!!