The Real Promise

Just over a year ago when I started this blog I made a promise.  In that first real post on 6 April (click) I not only promised I would be 100% honest on here, I made a promise I would find a route through.

The point is I promised this to ME.  And having promised myself I knew I couldn’t break that promise. It was unbreakable.  I had to stick to it regardless of how I felt, or how tough things got,  because if I didn’t I would have failed myself.

There have been several occasions when the wish to give up has been so tempting.  But my promise to me kept me going.  That and the help I was getting.

Yesterday afternoon B rang me and said he would stick to his promise to me to work at his marriage.  I told him his promise to me wasn’t the point – he needed to promise himself.

That’s the Real Promise.  The one from which there is no escape. The one that is the hardest one to break, and the one which we all need to make when faced with tough times.  The one we have to make to be totally committed to change, to face problems, to commit – you name it, it has to be there.  Anything less doesn’t work.  If we don’t then it’s too easy to cop out and give up when it all seems to be getting a bit too much –  a bit difficult.  When we feel we’re not getting what we deserve.  Or when something else looks rather tempting.

Perhaps the marriage vows should be changed from:
“Do you promise to love her/him…..”  to
“Do you promise yourself you will love her/him…….”

So my “Aphorism for today” is:

Until you can promise yourself you will never truly succeed.

Believe in yourself

I’ve been doing some early morning blog surfing – and came across this quote:

“Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle. ”
Christian D Larson

And that’s what’s so easy to lose.  When the person you believed would be there for you come what may,  the person you loved –  your best friend – your soul mate – suddenly walks away, inevitably you question your belief in yourself.

That’s what I did.  The trauma rocked and destroyed the very foundations of my being.  My belief in myself.

I questioned everything about myself and, in my depressed state, found myself wanting. I had failed and I had failed big time.  It was completely my fault.  I may not have cheated, as he had done, but I must have driven him to do all these terrible things.  How else could this wonderful, gentle, kind, loving, honest man have changed into someone I almost didn’t recognise.

Then, because he kept dithering and saying he was coming back, I re-affirmed these beliefs.   I convinced myself I was worthless and un-loveable.  I must be – why else would the very sight of me cause this man to run.  I lost – totally – any belief in myself.

And because one member of my family has always made me feel a failure – either by (hopefully inadvertently) denying my existence to his friends – or by frequently putting me down, my whole sub-conscious belief in my worthlessness was confirmed.

Then of course there was the fact that I was sexually assaulted at the age of 15 – which I’d also managed to convince myself was my fault!!!  Wow – have I been doing well on ‘doing myself down’!!

So whereas I’ve always thought  – at a conscious level – I loved and believed in myself – my sub-conscious was contradicting my edited version  and fighting.  Hence being stuck.

This is what I discovered this week at my Life Coaching session.

To find that the ‘obstacle’ I had to overcome was one I had created within me is a tough thing to face and then to deal with.  But actually overcoming it will free me beyond my wildest dreams. Because freeing myself – from barriers I had created within me – will mean I won’t just fly – I’ll soar!  (Sorry for all the flying references – but I am a glider pilot  – so flying and soaring are part of me!!)

Now I know where the barrier is, what it is, and why, it’s becoming easier to deal with.  I’m not there yet.  But at least now I feel I’m on my way.  My sub-conscious self still tries to drag me back (it did last night – big time) – but now I know where the fight is I can fight on the right battle front.

So the quote I found this morning is vital:

“Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle. “

E E Cummings

What wonderful quotes from this man.  I’d never heard of him until yesterday.  I’ve now googled him and here are some of his quotes/aphorisms which “do it for me!”:

“To be nobody but yourself in a world that’s doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.”

“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”

“Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star…”

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”

“Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.”

“Your homecoming will be my homecoming”

An Aphorism moment

This appears in “Tuesdays with Morrie”  a book I continue to read and recommend to all.

I’ve added this following quote to my Aphorisms page:

“Imagine there’s a bird on your shoulder and every day you ask it:

Is today the day that I die?

Am I ready?

Am I living the life I want to live?

Am I being the person I want to be?

Never do work that uses, hurts or degrades people.

Never make money off the sweat and pain of others. The tension of opposites. We learn from what hurts us, as much as what loves us.”

My last comment on ducks (well for today!)

Actually that IS what Life Coaching is all about (well it is for me – today).  It’s shooting the ducks which are swimming towards pain and focusing on the pleasure ducks.  That way the future is fun and great and what I want mine to be.

So with that in mind I went through the final sort out of Dad’s house and the divvying up of his books, records and CDs with my 2 brothers in a spirit of pleasure rather than angst!

It went well.  I even watched with wry amusement as my older brother insisted that anything he thought  I wanted went to my younger brother!  Fascinating!  I spotted this fairly early on so promptly took a great disinterest in anything I liked – thus ensuring I got it!!  So I got all the records – which was great. And several of the more valuable books!!

I only failed on an item of furniture which I really did want (and had said so several days ago).  So, naturally,  my older brother was adamant it went to my other brother!!

Clearly he has never got over me appearing in his world when he was just over 2 years old!!

Still – today my ducks are swimming in the right direction and I am feeling positive as a result!

And it was today a year ago we had over 250 people to Dad’s funeral.  Which was a real celebration of his wonderful life (all 100 years of it). Which he lived to the full to the day he died.  So with that in mind I must focus on his mantra of “Enjoy the Journey”.  He never looked back.  So in memory of him, today, I must do my best to emulate him.

And I have found a lovely place to live.  In the middle of the village where I live at the moment, and it has a small garden and space and as it’s unfurnished I can take lots of my stuff with me which will be so much nicer.  So now I know where I am going to be for the next few months I feel at lot less stressed.