Conviction to Contentment

Conviction

In the beginning, three years ago, as Alex went into his emotional meltdown I was convinced, with every fibre of my body, that we would pull through as a couple and be stronger as a result.  People said so.  Whoever “people” were.  I couldn’t and wouldn’t believe that any other outcome was remotely possible.  I stuck to my belief through every turn of emotion, every turn in his behaviour.  I didn’t get angry, I did what I believed I had to do.  I believed in the Us.

We failed to get help.

Confusion

As the months turned into the first year of our separation and the divorce papers had begun to ricochet between our respective solicitors, as I dealt with the death of my father and faced, but couldn’t accept being alone, it slowly dawned on me that Alex appeared to be stuck in a permanent meltdown. I didn’t know what to do. I vacillated between hope and despair.  The mixed messages I got from him made no sense.  Claiming to care and yet unable to leave the OW.

Finally I started this blog and that release also provided me with the realisation that I had to get help.  For us.  For me. For my sanity. And to stop me swallowing too many sleeping pills.  I was lost and very, very stuck

I got help.

We got help.  From the same source though never together.

We headed for a possible re-discovery of our mutual love.  Of what we had had when we married – or even more.  Of something which could have been even better.  We nearly embarked on that route.  But not quite.

Clarity

The route to my clarity is documented in very honest, thorough (!) detail in this blog. It’s long, it deviates, but for those wanting to know it’s here for you all to read.

With that clarity has come a profound understanding. That until and if (and this is a big IF) Alex chooses to understand and ‘find’ himself then any relationship either with me or anyone else will not give him the life he could have.  The one I believe he is searching for.  This sounds very arrogant of me but it is said from a position of total unconditional love for him.  Love that will never die but a love for him that has finally given me a freedom that I didn’t think was possible.

Knowing that I love him unconditionally and that I can do absolutely nothing about it.

I may feel sad.  But I no longer rage against it. I know longer feel trapped by it.   I feel liberated and free to live my life.

Curiosity

Sparked this weekend by reading a profoundly honest and emotional book:

“Surprised by Love”  by Dr Jay and Julie Kent-Ferraro.

A book about infidelity and betrayal. The destruction of a marriage and the route back together.  A route that has given them both a deeper, stronger and rock-solid bond.

A book I would recommend you read, dear reader.

I have been deeply moved by this book.  Curious?  Why?  Come on !!  Clearly because I shall always wonder what might have been!  Also shaken to the core as so much of what they have written resonates with my own situation!  Minus, of course, of the outcome they achieved!

I hope others are curious.  If so get a copy – it’s worth it.  Especially for those rebuilding trust in their relationships.

Contentment

I’m working on this one.

I no longer get those moments of shear panic.

I get moments of feeling scared but I’ve learnt how to change state when these happen.

Yes, as I’ve said, I feel free.  Free of the clawing, suffocation of not believing in myself.

I am content with being me.  And that is one helluva step from where I was before my marriage collapsed!

Now, maybe at last, I’m ready to create a new life for myself and meet someone who can be as honest with themselves as I’ve learnt to be about being me.

 

The books….

So, dear reader, this is what I’ve been reading!

Time to Think and More Time to Think by Nancy Kline – excellent books and fascinating subject matter.  After reading the first one I tried out her technique at work and was very surprised by the result.  People said a lot more – and all because I ran a meeting where interrupting was banned! 

‘My Voice will go with you’ and ‘Uncommon Therapy – Psychiatric Techniques of Milton Erickson.  Both really interesting.  What a clever man.

The Magic of Metaphor  and  The Salmon Of Knowledge both by Nick Owen.  Great stories that really got me thinking.

Get the Life you Want & An Evening with Richard Bandler.  Richard Bandler is one of the co-founders of NLP – I’m finding this is the area I’m struggling with but it’s so fundemental I must ‘crack it’.  So I keep re-watching the DVD and re-reading the book! 

Still to tackle:

Coaching with NLP  by Joseph O’Connor
The Rainbow Machine – tales from a Neuro-Linguist’s Journal by Andrew Austin

Aren’t I going to have one fun Christmas week!!  I’m on holiday for the entire break so can devote myself to my studies!

Reading like I’ve never done before….

A certain internet shopping site (which I’ve mentioned before) is doing a brisk trade with me!

I now have 3 more books to read and 3 more on their way. I’m enjoying the subject matter immensely, though the ones I find hardest to grasp are the true (if that exists) NLP ones – oops now what courses am I going on?……  Oh yes NLP!!  Let’s hope they make more sense than the books!

Anyway for a little light relief I’ve been watching Strictly Come Dancing Final this evening.  Beautiful dances, beautiful music.

And  Harry won – the one I wanted to!!

What a good Saturday evening!

It helps if you read the manual!

I’m a great one for buying instruction manuals.  I have loads!

BUT!  Not so good at reading them!!

My camera came with an instruction manual (all 200 pages of it!)  – but I rarely refer to it!  I bought a book on Photoshop (for Dummies  – I can be wise about what I need!).  I have to say it has a very jolly, colourful cover, which I have admired for months and months!  Have I actually opened it and read its instructional contents?  Of course not.  Far too scary!  And anyway I’m using it to prop up a collection of CDs!

I also have a vast collection of books dealing with marriage and relationships (and I do mean vast!  Just about the entire relationship library)  with titles like – Moving On; Staying Together (good to have both options!);  Beat The Bitch (now that one was hard to resist!!);   Loving Yourself, Loving Another; Finding True Love…….   I could go on!   Have I read any of them.  No!  But I love the feeling of comfort they give as I look at them side-by-side on my book shelf!  I bought most of them during those first few months of shock.  It was as if by buying the book I was doing something about solving the problem!  I just couldn’t be asked to open the covers and read!

So – to be honest – what I need is to be ‘taken by the hand’ and taught!!

Probably that’s what most of us need!  To be taught how to keep relationships together, what we need to understand about the sexes, how each sex functions and how to get the best for ourselves and the one we love.

To be taught how to re-align, clone and recolour our ‘photos’, touch up the errors  made when the trigger was pressed at the wrong moment.  And being instructed in the ‘dark art’ of  how to do it and then made to practice under the watchful eye of a good tutor has much more chance of success than – in my case – faced with just reading the book – never mind how pretty the cover!

But having had the lessons and made to practice maybe it’s then good to have the odd manual to refer to when we need to remind ourselves of a particular technique.

Strange coincidence

I have always promised myself this blog would be my diary of what happens to me, my thoughts – however bizarre, and the actions I take and what I experience.

So that being said I am sticking to the promise I made to myself:

So having hardly slept last night I returned to bed this morning and read.

I have always wished I could believe – as Lorne Byrne clearly does – in all that is in her book “Angels in my Hair”.  But I am clearly interested because I recently bought her 2nd book “Stairways to Heaven” – which I picked up to read just now.

So how come  within the first couple of minutes I ended up reading the following passage:

“Let another man into your life and let him love you”

I know I have to do that.  It made me cry all the more but a strange peace has come over me since.

Life is full of co-incidences which none of us can explain.

After all what made me take a step into the unknown and Google for a Life Coach back in August.

What fortune pushed me in his direction.  Because he has helped so much.  And he is helping Alex so much as well. So he has been good for both of us.

And although I  know that Alex and I really don’t have a future now, somehow there is a comfort in knowing he is helping Alex to find himself and come to terms with the person he is.

Maybe there is a power somewhere that does help us find our right destiny and maybe the pain is part of the journey we have to take to reach the right one for each of us as individuals.

Do I believe in Angels?  For one sudden moment about an hour ago I did.  Maybe because that’s what I needed to believe. Maybe because I wanted to.  Maybe because there are.

I never thought of myself as spiritual.  Logic tells me that we are just animals on this planet with more intelligence than the rest.  And intelligence tells me that this is it and no more.

But life is strange and is full of  almost unexplained coincidences like the one I experienced this morning.

Can marriage survive an affair

This appears to be a question many, many people ask.

I believe it can.  I believe my marriage to Alex was so special that we could come through this a stronger and closer couple.  At the moment this is not something that I have had to look at too closely as Alex is still ‘in the affair’ and  – as far as I know – not looking to come back. And I know this sounds as if I’ve completely ‘lost it’ but I don’t think he is happy and I think – most of the time – he was happy with me.

What I know – without a shadow of doubt – is that no one can be happy with another person until they are happy with themselves.  This is why I am going to Life and Relationship Coaching.

I also know that if we do get back together we have to rebuild the trust and respect we had before , we have to talk through what he has done and what effect it had on both of us and that when that’s all done and dusted then neither of us can  – EVER – bring up his affair, the reasons he did it or any other destructive emotion we both went through during this time.

I see so many couples who have got back together and  then the injured party throws the affair in the other’s face every time there is a row or disagreement.

So to anyone who is asking this question “Can marriage survive an affair”  the answer is yes if you want it to enough but probably not without help and as far as I can see – with my yet to be proven experience – I would say Relationship Coaching – if you find a good one – can certainly assist and help you succeed!

xxx