Clarity and Confusion

Clarity

I find my Life Coaching sessions more and more fascinating as I learn more and as I am now willing to learn more.  Clearly I feel safe with being me these days and feeling safe has allowed me to explore me.

Yesterday I learnt and explored the 4 core versions of me and how they need to work as  a team to give me a secure base to run my life.  How I can bring the different versions to the fore in different situations to protect me and also allow me to have what I want.  This was great.

I think I finally understood that if I allow the ‘fun, flexible, nothing’s a problem’ version of me to get out of control – especially in a relationship issue – then I can, and do, attract weak men as they see me as the solver and solution to everything.  So the “Nothing’s a problem” side of me is great at work where I’m paid to solve problems, but not so hot in attracting a partner as I want a strong man who will protect and care for the vulnerable ‘lover’ part of me which is the feminine me and also the one who got badly hurt at 15 and needs to feel secure before she can feel safe to allow the intimacy to be at its best.

The Warrior, fighter version of me also became over fierce in an attempt to calm down the “Flexible” me so this also ‘backfired’ as now the ‘lover’ me was totally hidden.  No one could see the vulnerability as the door had been firmly locked on that side of me.  Even at work this gave me a reputation of being over dictatorial – something that’s changed over recent months and which has resulted in everyone who works for me being a lot more relaxed and I think happier!

So all the versions of me need to work as a team to give me what I desire.  The team leader I think had got a bit confused and was trying to listen to all the team members.  I hope I’ve put the team leader back in charge!

And if this has confused the hell out of you, dear reader, then I’m sorry.  But Stephen’s discussion with LFBA does shed light on this in a far clearer way than I can!

Confusion

So given all the above. How come I said to someone last night “If I’d known all this about me when I was about to marry Alex I wouldn’t have gone ahead – even though I had a wonderful marriage and I’m glad I did marry him and I wouldn’t have missed it all for anything and I still wish with a passion it hadn’t ended”

And how come having reread my Values this morning – the list I totally buy into and I feel is right for me I still have a sneaky desire to want to resurrect my marriage.  A marriage to a man I’ve just said I wouldn’t have married if I’d known what I know now. Who has treated me so badly. And with whom I didn’t always feel safe and secure.    Is it just a hankering for the past?  Why do I have to fight with myself not to contact him (we haven’t spoken since February and had no direct communication since early May)?

And how come when I think about all these core and critical versions that make up all of us and I apply them to Alex and try and work out where he is and which version he has allowed to become over dominant do I fail to come up with an answer and why do I need to come up with an answer anyway?!!!!!

Why do I feel confused?  And why can’t I accept it is the way it is and just look to my new future?

So that’s how I feel this morning!!!  And now it’s 10.30am and I need to get up and stop lounging around in bed with my laptop on my knees confusing myself – and probably you too dear reader!

It’s all very frustrating!

I’d love some feedback

I’d love some feedback from those who followed the discussion and those who have read it through!  Please let me know if you found it useful and if so what you gained – if anything!  It would be great if you could share your views with the rest of us.

(and I promise I won’t let your views turn into another discussion!!  I will ‘kill off’ any replies!!). 

Or – If you would like to say something but not for the public domain then you can email me:  carolinectw@gmail.com

Thanks – Caroline

The marathon debate!

I’d like to thank both LFBA and Stephen for this marathon discussion/debate.

I think it has probably run its course now – as regards benefiting those who have been watching it unfold.

I hope you’ve found it interesting!

I, personally, have found it very thought provoking and useful.  For those who don’t know what’s been going on please click below.

The title of the post did have a meaning at the time!

Why isn’t today Wednesday!

Yesterday’s discussion – thank you!

Now I’ve learned so much, I find I just want to know and learn even more!   Yesterday was a case in point as a discussion developed on this blog, turning into a coaching session from Stephen with one of my readers.  It’s a few posts back (easy to find it has more comments than any of the others!) .  I learnt a great deal from that discussion. And I think several other people followed it too given the number of hits the post had yesterday – over 100!   So thank you to LFBA and to Stephen for their amazing input and their time.  Sadly the difference in time zones brought the discussion to an end before it had run itself out.

Some days a blog post ‘runs’!

This is the thing I love about blogging.  I write for myself and myself alone.  From the heart!  From a moment of amusement! Whatever! And – as I promised myself when I started this –  with 100% raw honesty!

I find it fascinating the responses I get.  I’ll post something on one day and the post will be taken on board and get a few responses and then on another, something I might say as a passing, almost fleeting, thought will spark an interest in one reader and then another and a mini discussion / debate kicks off.  Which is great.  I look on these days as bonuses as the feedback is stupendous, fascinating to read, and so useful.

So it has been with yesterday’s post “Why isn’t today Wednesday” – where a discussion on the meaning of Love is now running.  It would be great if it continues today as the more views the better – in my opinion.  So important for all of us going through the re-evaluation of our lives, making sense of our feelings and emotions and finding our route to wherever we are wishing to go.

I am going out for the day to the Bird Watching Fair at Rutland Water – a long drive (but I’m good at those!) as I want to treat myself to a wander round all the stands – and I can escape being a ‘sitting duck’ for “B” should he suddenly decide I’m an ‘easy target’!! (Note – the bird reference!!)

I’ll update you, my valued reader, later!

Why isn’t today Wednesday!

To read the full debate please click on the replies

It’s been an odd sort of week!  I usually work from home on a Wednesday (gives me a break from the 140 mile round trip to work). But this week I turned up at the office – taking everyone, including myself, by surprise, un-nerving those who work for me, who no doubt see Wednesday as a respite from my presence, and generally causing confusion all round!!

So although today is Friday it feels like a Wednesday as I’m working from home today!  Friday home working is viewed as ‘cheating’ – adding a day to the weekend! I shall have to put in some ‘terrifying’ effort and keep emailing and ringing at moments when my co–workers think they’re safe!

Add to the mix:

  • that I’ve had no Life Coaching this week (slightly scarey);
  • that I’ve now blocked ‘B’s emails and am ignoring the texts, voicemails, phone calls etc.(good move I think – I was beginning to feel as if I was being stalked – and he’d become dangerously controlling – no wonder his wife has the issues she has – she may need a new hip and be in pain but I can understand why she’s not doing it – he can’t control what she does with her body!);
  • that I’ve now returned to the local Amateur Dramatics club and I’ve several small roles (small parts sounded faintly worrying! – No-one wants to have small parts – be they male or female!) in the production of Oh What a Lovely War,  which now requires me to go to rehearsals twice a week!
  • that AJ’s butterfly whacked him round the head with her wings and nearly extinguished him  – which thank god she didn’t (sorry AJ but to me that butterfly was definitely female, predatory and slightly vindictive – and how she managed to also carry a bedpan is amazing – but as she appears to have brought you back to the blogging world I like to think her intentions were – ultimately – benevolent!! – And by the way AJ that’s two links to your blog I’ve incorporated here – which is a sort of   welcoming you back thing – you’ve been greatly missed here!);

and it feels like all change and get on a new train!

I know I still sometimes wish a certain passenger was experiencing all this with me but if the silly sod got on the wrong train then that’s his fault not mine.  I just hope his train takes him to the wrong destination – preferably a dead-end!  And  – NO – I’m not going to go and pick him up when he realises how truly lost he’s become.  He can go and enroll in Life School and he can walk there and back!  (OK I do know I haven’t truly ‘let go’ yet – but hey I’m getting there!)

Enjoy your ‘Wednesday’!