I find my Life Coaching sessions more and more fascinating as I learn more and as I am now willing to learn more. Clearly I feel safe with being me these days and feeling safe has allowed me to explore me.
Yesterday I learnt and explored the 4 core versions of me and how they need to work as a team to give me a secure base to run my life. How I can bring the different versions to the fore in different situations to protect me and also allow me to have what I want. This was great.
I think I finally understood that if I allow the ‘fun, flexible, nothing’s a problem’ version of me to get out of control – especially in a relationship issue – then I can, and do, attract weak men as they see me as the solver and solution to everything. So the “Nothing’s a problem” side of me is great at work where I’m paid to solve problems, but not so hot in attracting a partner as I want a strong man who will protect and care for the vulnerable ‘lover’ part of me which is the feminine me and also the one who got badly hurt at 15 and needs to feel secure before she can feel safe to allow the intimacy to be at its best.
The Warrior, fighter version of me also became over fierce in an attempt to calm down the “Flexible” me so this also ‘backfired’ as now the ‘lover’ me was totally hidden. No one could see the vulnerability as the door had been firmly locked on that side of me. Even at work this gave me a reputation of being over dictatorial – something that’s changed over recent months and which has resulted in everyone who works for me being a lot more relaxed and I think happier!
So all the versions of me need to work as a team to give me what I desire. The team leader I think had got a bit confused and was trying to listen to all the team members. I hope I’ve put the team leader back in charge!
And if this has confused the hell out of you, dear reader, then I’m sorry. But Stephen’s discussion with LFBA does shed light on this in a far clearer way than I can!
So given all the above. How come I said to someone last night “If I’d known all this about me when I was about to marry Alex I wouldn’t have gone ahead – even though I had a wonderful marriage and I’m glad I did marry him and I wouldn’t have missed it all for anything and I still wish with a passion it hadn’t ended”
And how come having reread my Values this morning – the list I totally buy into and I feel is right for me I still have a sneaky desire to want to resurrect my marriage. A marriage to a man I’ve just said I wouldn’t have married if I’d known what I know now. Who has treated me so badly. And with whom I didn’t always feel safe and secure. Is it just a hankering for the past? Why do I have to fight with myself not to contact him (we haven’t spoken since February and had no direct communication since early May)?
And how come when I think about all these core and critical versions that make up all of us and I apply them to Alex and try and work out where he is and which version he has allowed to become over dominant do I fail to come up with an answer and why do I need to come up with an answer anyway?!!!!!
Why do I feel confused? And why can’t I accept it is the way it is and just look to my new future?
So that’s how I feel this morning!!! And now it’s 10.30am and I need to get up and stop lounging around in bed with my laptop on my knees confusing myself – and probably you too dear reader!
It’s all very frustrating!