A too amicable divorce!

That was and sometimes still is my problem.  My divorce was too amicable!  There were no shouting matches or angry words. There was no hatred.  There was an amazing amount of care, of laughter and of indecision.

We hugged masses. We cried together.  We talked  – but probably not enough.  He dithered!!  So much and so often!  The lovely mediator who we went to to finalise our finances would look at us in amazement and confusion after our sessions as we stood outside together chatting and smiling at each other.

When Alex came round to sort out his belongings (which he spun out over 18 months) he would also go and get  take-away meals and stay and chat well into the evening.  Yes he would ‘bolt’ when it was time to go and then he’d run from a more significant hug. No wonder I was confused.

It would have been so much easier to have got really angry – but I didn’t!  It would have been so much easier if he had been nasty – but he wasn’t!

It was the way it was.  We conducted ourselves with a strange kindness and care, masses of uncertainty and  confusion!

I will always believe that had we found Stephen earlier – and by that I mean before the OW came into our lives – we would have come through together  –  together and very happy.  It might have been a challenging ride but I believe worth it!!  We each had issues we  needed to address but neither of us realised what those were.  From what Alex said he discovered things about himself he didn’t know were there.  It was the same for me!

The legacy of all this kindness is perhaps harder to live with as we still get on so well!

Enjoy your day dear reader.  I’m off house hunting this morning as I learnt this week that my landlord has decided to sell my little rented cottage from under my feet – and not to me!  I need to give myself some security and certainty and that starts with having somewhere to live!

 

The launch of Global Help

So as one who isn’t known for letting the grass grow beneath her feet I’ve just launched Global Help.

This idea is open to any blogger who wants to join!  The only requirements are:

  •  you create a Global Help Links page and add there anything you think would help others.
  • Any professional site you link to should not be paying you (in my view)
  • You categorise the type of help offered.  I’ve started with one category – Relationship breakdown but there are lots I intend to add which will link with other blogs I currently read (if they come on board with the idea!!)
  • I also believe it is worth adding a personal “Things that help(ed) page” for those who are or have been through some sort of traumatic experience.  On mine I have a list of books I found useful and other ‘tricks’ I found using in the various emotional stages I went through. What people put on their pages is clearly down to them.  We are all unique and so have unique ways of dealing with ‘stuff’. So over to you my great friends and readers. 

    Clearly for those who just want to link there is no need to add this page!!

As I said in my earlier post today we have a wealth of ideas and information between us and by linking together we can share and so offer help to others who may be floundering around searching.

 

Encounter with my past

This has been on the cards for some time and happened this afternoon.

How Alex felt about the meeting I, of course, have no idea.  All I know is that from my point of view it was very pleasant and lovely to see him. He stayed for nearly two hours and we chatted about lots of things – including a great deal on NLP!.  We kept clear of anything emotional right to the end when he asked me to keep in touch.  Well he knows where I am so that’s down to him.

How do I feel now?  A bit numb.  A bit sad. Do I still find him fancyable?  Yes!  Which is a tad annoying.  I’d planned on not!!

There are  probably a whole stack of other emotions which could be hiding waiting to come to the fore.  Anger is still not one of them.

I’m going out for a curry this evening.  Which is a very good thing!

My future beckons – and I’m moving towards it.

Tomorrow is another day.

 

Crying out for love!

Looking back (dangerous – but somehow necessary just now) I realise for the last 6-10 months of my marriage unconsciously I knew I wasn’t getting the love I craved from the man I loved!  Shame this didn’t kick in at a more conscious level!!!

This resulted in me doing things which I can now see were never going to improve the situation.  But things I probably learnt in childhood to get attention.

Things I did:
I used to talk to my PC – OK funny now but at the time it drove me mad – I couldn’t stop talking whilst typing or working at my PC.  I never did this when I was on my own – only when Alex was in the same room – like a small child I think  I was craving attention by talking which was incredibly irritating – to both of us. We both hated it.  Neither of us realised why I was doing it.  All I know is it was incredibly compulsive.  I really couldn’t stop!

If we were watching a film on TV I’d keep turning to him to see if he was moved by the more romantic scenes and I’d ask – mid film – so breaking his and my involvement in the film.  Again it would drive us both mad.  Now I see what I wanted and was crying out for from him was some of the love I was seeing on the screen.

Of course the more I did it, the more he got irritated, the more he withdrew, the more I did it…….  and so on.  I must have been a real pain to live with!

And then at night I would ask to be hugged.  He couldn’t.  He was too lost in his own dilemma.

Result:  Lack of growth, lack of affection,……………….  Divorce.

I was living in fear.  He was living in fear.  We should have got help so we could understand what we were doing to ourselves and each other. Even after he left I was, initially, too scared to get help.  Too scared that I would get ticked off for my behaviour!

This is not a ‘sorry me’ post by the way!   It’s just a “This is the way it is and this is one of the myriad of reasons my marriage failed”.  There are others.  His side of the equation which I don’t know about.

For me at least I now know that if I do start behaving in this rather bizarre way again I’ll know it’s attention seeking and that I’ll need to take action fast to investigate why.

I wish I’d known then what I know now.  But I didn’t.

 

Conviction to Contentment

Conviction

In the beginning, three years ago, as Alex went into his emotional meltdown I was convinced, with every fibre of my body, that we would pull through as a couple and be stronger as a result.  People said so.  Whoever “people” were.  I couldn’t and wouldn’t believe that any other outcome was remotely possible.  I stuck to my belief through every turn of emotion, every turn in his behaviour.  I didn’t get angry, I did what I believed I had to do.  I believed in the Us.

We failed to get help.

Confusion

As the months turned into the first year of our separation and the divorce papers had begun to ricochet between our respective solicitors, as I dealt with the death of my father and faced, but couldn’t accept being alone, it slowly dawned on me that Alex appeared to be stuck in a permanent meltdown. I didn’t know what to do. I vacillated between hope and despair.  The mixed messages I got from him made no sense.  Claiming to care and yet unable to leave the OW.

Finally I started this blog and that release also provided me with the realisation that I had to get help.  For us.  For me. For my sanity. And to stop me swallowing too many sleeping pills.  I was lost and very, very stuck

I got help.

We got help.  From the same source though never together.

We headed for a possible re-discovery of our mutual love.  Of what we had had when we married – or even more.  Of something which could have been even better.  We nearly embarked on that route.  But not quite.

Clarity

The route to my clarity is documented in very honest, thorough (!) detail in this blog. It’s long, it deviates, but for those wanting to know it’s here for you all to read.

With that clarity has come a profound understanding. That until and if (and this is a big IF) Alex chooses to understand and ‘find’ himself then any relationship either with me or anyone else will not give him the life he could have.  The one I believe he is searching for.  This sounds very arrogant of me but it is said from a position of total unconditional love for him.  Love that will never die but a love for him that has finally given me a freedom that I didn’t think was possible.

Knowing that I love him unconditionally and that I can do absolutely nothing about it.

I may feel sad.  But I no longer rage against it. I know longer feel trapped by it.   I feel liberated and free to live my life.

Curiosity

Sparked this weekend by reading a profoundly honest and emotional book:

“Surprised by Love”  by Dr Jay and Julie Kent-Ferraro.

A book about infidelity and betrayal. The destruction of a marriage and the route back together.  A route that has given them both a deeper, stronger and rock-solid bond.

A book I would recommend you read, dear reader.

I have been deeply moved by this book.  Curious?  Why?  Come on !!  Clearly because I shall always wonder what might have been!  Also shaken to the core as so much of what they have written resonates with my own situation!  Minus, of course, of the outcome they achieved!

I hope others are curious.  If so get a copy – it’s worth it.  Especially for those rebuilding trust in their relationships.

Contentment

I’m working on this one.

I no longer get those moments of shear panic.

I get moments of feeling scared but I’ve learnt how to change state when these happen.

Yes, as I’ve said, I feel free.  Free of the clawing, suffocation of not believing in myself.

I am content with being me.  And that is one helluva step from where I was before my marriage collapsed!

Now, maybe at last, I’m ready to create a new life for myself and meet someone who can be as honest with themselves as I’ve learnt to be about being me.

 

Blog Titles – are they hindering us?

My relentless studying is giving me masses to think about.  How the brain will react to the tiniest, almost insignificant, word.  How we can so easily end up giving ourselves the wrong or right outcome just by changing the words we use.

This is what I mean:

I’ve set myself my goal:  To become a life coach.

I can ask myself two types of question:

1)  How will I feel if I’ve achieved it?
2)  How will I feel when I’ve achieved it?

Two questions so similar – after all there’s only one word which is different.  But that one word change makes a huge difference to how I feel.  Question One leaves me with a feeling of doubt.  A feeling that I’m going to have to struggle to get there and might not make it.  Question Two makes me feel amazing.  A feeling that I’m going to enjoy the ‘journey’ and that when I get there I’m going to feel even more amazing.

So that got me thinking.  How often do we inadvertently give ourselves the wrong message?  Most of the readers I get here have their own blogs.  Many of them are going through challenging times, similar to mine.  Many of us get stuck and find unsticking really difficult.

Small steps forward are definitely the order of the day.  But dear reader without realising it do even our blog titles give us the wrong message.

So my challenge to you all today is: Look at the title of your blog and ask yourself:

“Am I giving myself the best possible chance to ensure I will achieve my ultimate goal? Or without really realising it am I  feeding myself a stuck message?”:

Think about it!  Does your blog title portray a fantastic forward looking goal or does it give……

A backward looking message, a negative message, a lonely message, a poor me message, a lost message, an angry message ………??

My intention when I started my blog was to get out of my hole – my Chilean Mine! To Survive!  And survival to me meant real, amazing happiness.  I’ve found it a million times more difficult than I thought I would!  But my intention was and is to end up happy, which I hope in part is yours too.

So dear reader if you’ve got this far and not gone off in a rage of How dare she suggest such a thing, how about giving this a thought!

And then maybe doing something about it!!!!

Hugs to you all!

xxx