This week’s Internet Dating gems!

The “cream of the crop” from some of this week’s contacts:

A, 47 – To be honest with you, I find your profile attractive.. send me your email let communicate privately,and set up a wonderful conversation.
After what I’ve just been through  – No way!!  I’m not THAT stupid!

hello lovely one – hope you like my profile and willing to locate something great here so why don’t you drop me a line.  I put much stock in instant love/lust/caring smile

No beating about the bush there then.  A sort of just let’s get on with it approach.  I’m slightly bothered about the ‘something’ I’m supposed to ‘locate’ and how fast! (and given he’s on an internet dating site – would I find it!!)

C, 37:  Premium beef on offer! Wanted: A caring owner. Must be funny, smart and chilled.
If you fit the bill and can add more to the plate, serve yourself up and send me a message!

Now this one really caught my interest!  Do I respond with “I like my beef rare and preferably from an animal!”  – which he might just mis-interpret as a come on?  Or shall I just ignore him!!  I think – on reflection – ignore!

Something I wish people noticed about me:  That I am actually Richard Gere in another body.
Having looked at your photo and read your profile  all I can say is “In your dreams sunshine!”

T, 51 i wont wink at you as im aware lotsa u gals dont like winkers………. im a normal bloke looking for a female friend im atouch extreme but told a bit of a character,have a butchers and get back if you fancy a laff…or a chat
Oh dear!!  Perhaps I should introduce him to the ‘rare beef’ above!!  They could then  ‘butcher’ each other!

D. 51: I’m an attractive and fairly fit 50 something. I’m laid back, tactile, intelligent. I am also married though not entirely happily.
I’m looking for a similar lady, in similar circumstances who would like to meet regularly for discreet ‘diversions’. Are you out there?
This one ‘sent me into a total rage!” – so much so I reported him!!  I think we all know why!

Goals for my week off!

I have the whole week off.  So Plans are what I need.  Plans and a few Goals.  Plans so I do something special every day. Goals to fill in the gaps – and to stop me watching day time TV or poodling around on the internet!!

I have a plan for Tuesday.  I have Life Coaching on Wednesday.  I am organising some outings for a couple of other days!.

The Goals!:  Actually when I’d written down the list it looked a bit daunting!  But there again I should be able to complete them each day and still have time for my Plans!  That’s if I get up early enough!!  And the idea is to feel pleased with myself at the end of the week!!

So here goes (and the idea is to these daily!!)

• Posting  on my Blog – easy one this – it’s stopping myself which is more of a challenge!! I can waste hours here!!  So I’m going to restrict myself to an hour in the morning and then keep away until the evening! (well at least that’s the idea!)
• French  – at least 30 minutes of reading and learning grammar and vocabulary.  Or I really will be wasting the cost of the weekly lessons
• Lines for the play I’m in. At least 30 minutes of learning them – but I can recite them whilst cycling or driving…. !!
• Cycle ride.  This takes an hour but must be done as I need to strengthen my leg much more than it is at the moment – so I really want this to be a daily one!
• Play the piano.  I’m teaching myself and I want to be able to read music so if I put in 30 minutes a day this will be good
• Practice photoshop editing.  I need to do this or I’ll forget all I learnt the other week.
• Internet Dating.  I must become a bit more proactive. So I need to communicate every day and to make me put in the effort  I’ve set myself a target of getting at least one date organised by the end of the week!!  So if I get to Friday without anything arranged someone is going to have to step in!!!

Now the challenge is to stick to the list!!  Have Fun!  Do something special every day!  And enjoy myself!

I shall let you know how I get on!

How can I resist??

With introductory emails such as these:

“would like to meet in the stansted airport departure lounge or radisson hotel there”
Now that is an offer a girl like me really shouldn’t turn down.  I do feel a hotel room is a bit sudden but perhaps I’m just being old fashioned!   I sort of feel we should get to know each other first!!  But – there again he seems to want to keep his options open – hedging his bets with the departure lounge option – I’ve heard of beating a hasty retreat if things don’t look promising but to flee the country does seem a bit drastic! Don’t you agree?

Then there’s:

Jon, 26 –  hello – looking for my sugar mummy, anyone out there?
A bit young I think.  And I’m not good in sugar!

Gentleman seeks independent solvent lady partner
Get the feeling I’d be paying for my own dinner (never mind how many courses I went for – we mustn’t forget the Cheap Tart moment of my first date!) – so don’t think I’ll bother!

I love woman. 
Given the grammatically incorrect nature of this statement – I don’t think he’s for me – he’d hate it if I kept correcting his every utterance!  And anyway so what!  Nothing else came with the email!!

And not forgetting:

Guy, 41 – looking for anything.  Now slowing down after a riotous earlier life.
Good God – he’s only 41!!!  And he’s already looking for someone to care for him in his old age!

More will follow – I promise!!!

(Admin note – this was my 500th post – so bad luck anyone wanting to wade through my progress in its entirety!!)

Ludicrous chat-up lines!

Have faith Caroline in amongst the dross who seem to inhabit the Internet Dating scene there must be a few gems!  Perhaps they’re just bad at revealing themselves!  Maybe their honesty makes you pass them by.

Today’s new messages have been the usual stunning examples of internet dating dross – bearing in mind I’ve stated my age and the age range of people I could be interested in (50 – 66) and they must be within UK:

“Hi, my name is David, I’m 44.  Do you wear stockings?”

“Hi I’m Chris.  I’m looking for anything between 19 and 90”

“Hi, I’m 29 – you look as if you could be up for it”

“Do you believe in passionate love”

“Hi – I’ve said I live in the UK but actually I don’t I’m from the USA”

“What are you like in bed?”  (to which I have a burning desire to reply – “I’ve no idea I’m usually asleep – being as I’m on my own!”)

And never mind the requests to do things I categorically won’t!!!

They use the most ludicrous screen names too:  LuckyLips, LoveHungry, PoshBilly (well I suppose that one could have been worse he could’ve changed the B for a W!!)…..  and more! These from men in their late 50s and early 60s.

I tell you something, dear reader, it’s dire!!

I’m doing my best to find the humour in all this – I do laugh!  I am doing my best to  give it my best shot.  Not to be deterred!

but really all I want to shout into the ether is:

H E L P!!!!!

Dating tips for the potential suitors!

It’s clear after my encounter with Mr Friday last week that a few guidance notes and tips are required!

So, dear suitors, you win points for:

• Being on time at the venue – in fact get there first
• Making sure you look reasonably smart
• For taking a massive interest in Me!
• For laughing at my jokes (yes – even when they’re not funny! – Those of you who have seen the video of my 6ft & 30seconds moment will understand this!)
• Paying the bill!  I like to be treated!

You lose them for:

• Rattling on about how well you get on with your ex!  I don’t need to know
• Telling me how often you got drunk last week
• Telling me I’m a “Cheap Tart”!  I am not cheap! (I may keep away from alchohol but that doesn’t make me cheap!)  And I can promise you, sweetheart, that if and when I decide to ‘play the tart for you’ not only will you know about it, you will thoroughly enjoy the experience!  Until then – let’s just assume – I’m Not!
• Telling me about what you do in the Mens’ Room (I really, really don’t need to know if you stand or sit to wee!!! – Just Too Much Information!!  I didn’t even know that about my Ex so I don’t need to know from you!! and yes Mr F did tell me that!).

And Finally  – How not to end up in my “Ditch the Date” Bin:

Never mind if you’ve bought me coffee, lunch, a pub meal or a full blown a la carte dinner, you do not have the right to ask or expect:

A hug, a kiss, a grope, a fondle or full blown sex!

This is not a la carte prostitution!  This is an interview or series of encounters which might lead to something more involved given time!!

And remember – If you have to ask – there’s a 100% chance the answer will be no!

So that’s it for starters.  I shall add further tips as time goes by and I have a few more ‘encounters’ to call upon!!

And – dear readers – if you want to add any others please do let me know.

And the last date!!

Actually!!

Poor Mr Friday – I’ve consigned him to the:  ‘dates I have known but don’t want a second helping’  file!!

And Why your may ask?  (Or not of course! – that’s completely your choice!)

Well firstly I’m not into boats.  He is!  They encompass his entire life.  His business, his hobbies, everything.  He is a ‘boat person’ – though not of the Vietnamese origin I hasten to add!!  – well he didn’t look like one!!

Secondly -I don’t want to be ‘lunged at’!  And, at the end of the evening,  I knew he was going to!

Spotted it in the look!

He had a ‘I fancy a lunge’ look.  Now given my ‘return look’ was one of a definite – ‘please don’t’ then actually a gentleman would have respected my space.  He didn’t.  So end of story. 

I feel far more comfortable about life now I’ve made my decision not to let this person into my life again.  So when he contacts me I shall decline further invitations to meet.  This of course is based on the fact that I’m expecting him to contact me!

Good grief – why wouldn’t he!!!!!

(I look forward to your comments/views!)