The key

I’m consumed by an inner sadness this evening.  Not just for me and Alex and what we threw away but much more for the many people who visit here or whose blogs I’ve been reading recently.  So many of whom are facing the collapse of a relationship and the fall out that it brings and all the horrific pain attached to it.

What makes us as a species treat those we once loved with such unkindness.  What makes us want to hurt and what makes us want to destroy.

Fear that something isn’t right is definitely one reason.  Fear at not having the courage to find out the real reasons. Fear at not being good enough.  Fear at the prospect that ‘this is all there is’.  I don’t know all the answers. I’m just throwing ideas out into the ether.

But one thing I do know and I know it to the depth of my being that until we each and everyone of us find the key to who we really are and what our needs and values are,  we are destined to carry on feeling the same way.  Not necessarily exactly the same but some of the same uncertainties will surface sooner or later.

All the things people told me to do, as I worked my way out of my own particular Chilean Mine, didn’t help one jot!  Why? Well I’m me not them!  We are all unique human beings and have a unique map of the world and how we interact with it.

What did help was being guided and coached at what being me actually meant and then  looking at me differently.  Understanding me made a massive difference as I could then change the bits that weren’t serving me as they should and so become true to myself and  give myself my own unique route out. That’s all any of us can do

For those who do feel lost, insecure, frightened – whatever –  then I know there is help.   I know because I found it.  And it was ultimately great fun finding out about me!!  It didn’t totally remove the sadness of what I lost or what might have been but it has, I hope, helped me know how I’ll do things differently next time.

And there will be a next time.

Just a thought!

Having choice is a good start point

We are all 100% responsible for how we react and behave.  The problems arise  when we don’t realise that and so bring out conditioned responses to situations.  Those responses which we convince ourselves are just part of us, the way we are and which we have no control over.

Wrong!  Of course we have control over them. We may just not know it!

Yesterday was a manic day for many of my staff as they worked their hearts out to ensure the company ‘open day’ ran smoothly and with no hitches.  They were put under severe pressure at times from people who should have known better, as schedules were changed or pieces of equipment failed and those who were in the limelight panicked and took it out on the only people they could – my staff.

A couple of them got edgy, their smiles became a little fixed and I could see were finding the going tough. 

I took them ‘out of circulation’ for a couple of minutes and gave them time to air their angsts and then gently encouraged them to find other choices on how they wanted to react by seeing  the rudeness of others as their inability to handle the pressure.  Soon I had them back with genuine smiles clear in the choices they had made –  that they could handle themselves better than the others as they had chosen not to get cross or be rude never mind what level of pressure they were being put through!!

We can all choose to ‘knee-jerk’ react to other people or situations.  But we don’t have to. We can choose to trust, we can choose to believe, we can choose when and with whom we want to be seen as vulnerable, we can choose when or not to control, or get angry or irritated.  We also choose to love and when and who to love and why.  The choices are endless.

One of the great things life coaching brings is learning how to get these endless choices and so have them at our finger tips to use when we choose to use them.

So many people I know have said to me “Don’t do any of that life coaching stuff on me I don’t want to know anything more about me than I do already”

Goodness me why ever not!  Because it doesn’t remove choice it just opens up the world to more choice and more choice I believe, gives you the chance to be the best possible person you can be as you’re not being hampered by the lack of it.

Giving yourself more choices!

That’s what my NLP training is teaching me to give to others.   To guide them into opening the doors within them to enable them to have more choice.

The work I did with Stephen did this for me in ways I hadn’t ever expected!

After all becoming a life coach wasn’t on my radar before – or at least I didn’t think it was!

It’s great discovering the tools and learning to use them and then seeing the results of putting these tools into practice. I’m just surprised that in me it took so long to allow them to happen!  Once I did let myself accept the processes then the results came thick and fast!

I think what can put some people off being coached is they think it may remove choice. I think that’s what worried, or even scared, me at one stage.  I’m sure I kept that worry to myself which, of course, didn’t help the process one iota as I blocked so much in the beginning.

The point is it does exactly the opposite. Far from removing choice it just gives one more.  The choices one had before are still there. All it does when it succeeds is give one a whole stack more to choose from. That’s what’s exciting and liberating.

Anyway on the hypnosis front, I’ve now got as far as module 4 in my on-line  course. I’ve passed all the on-line tests so far which is gratifying! The self-hypnosis section which I’ve just completed took some doing as I got so relaxed I fell asleep – twice!!  What a way to spend a Sunday afternoon.  I’d meant to go out and take photos of the bluebells!  The trouble is I missed this afternoon completely!!  Still the snooze was nice and relaxing!

I’m learning about hypnosis as I believe the language patterns used will help me as a coach.  I can be rather direct! So I’m doing the course to give me more choices in the way I say things to enable those I hope to coach more opportunities to understand what I am coaching them about.

 

Protection or Control?

There is a big but also sometimes subtle difference!

Control

OK  I know there are some people whose only ‘operating method’ is out and out control.  They don’t and won’t consider anyone else’s point-of-view other than their own, and by and large expect everyone around them to fall in with their map of the world!  They want to be in charge of every situation that remotely impinges on their life.

But what makes them this way. After all they can’t have been born like that!  Now I realise I could say that all people control through a position of fear.  Maybe a fear so deep rooted that they don’t recognise it as such but fear none-the-less. But that would be a generalisation and a sloppy use of language. Also a statement based on no proof.  I haven’t met ‘everyone’ so how could I possibly know!

Then there are the subtle changes that turn some people into controllers.  Again is this fear that does this – some of the time or all of the time?  It’s an interesting thought and one I’m enjoying exploring.  What motivates people to take on these stances.

There is also the point that controllers can only control if the one they are wanting to control decides to feel controlled and allow themselves to be controlled.  If they decide not to feel controlled or be controlled, then control cannot happen?  Presumably!

Alex accused me of controlling him.  I didn’t think I did at all. But in his eyes and with his map of the world I did. I know I was scared I’d lose him and so very likely behaved in ways that just made the situation worse!  In protecting what we had did I become some dreadful,  controlling harridan?  I hope not!  But maybe that’s how he saw me.  Did I make him feel powerless to change everything around him apart from running?  I muse on this!  Why?  Well it’s important stuff.  After all in my quest to become a good Life Coach it’s important to see and understand behaviour patterns and what triggers them in each of us and understanding me gives me the metaphors to use to help others.

Protection

For me, the feeling that the person in your life is there for you, supporting and looking out for you. That they will always be there for you but making sure you have the freedom to be yourself.

I know what I wanted in life from ‘my man’ was to be protected but not controlled.  There is a difference and the difference is so important. I have a sneaky suspicion though that I didn’t allow him to protect me.  I know he wanted to!  But for some reason I blocked him.

The point is when does protection become control and are we blind to the subtle changes until it’s too late??

I’d love to hear what you think…………

Giving myself what I want – all the time!

One of the biggest problems in getting over what I’ve been through (and what I believe several of my readers are going through) is changing the unconscious behaviour that keeps giving me what my conscious mind thinks it wants!  Which, in my case, appears to be a hankering for the past.  Life Coaching addressed that in spades.  My problem is I still have a tendency, at times, to drift back to behaving as I did before.  And by that I mean my internal dialogue creeps up on me and scuppers me!!

I’m in the middle of reading “Frogs into Princes” – by John Grinder and Richard Bandler the NLP gurus, which is proving enlightening!  My quest for knowledge is continuous and completely absorbing – which still surprises me as this has NEVER been me before!!!

So I think one of the issues I have is that I haven’t got my new behaviour patterns quite right in all aspects of my life, so my unconscious is still, too frequently, triggering the old one in an attempt to give me what I think I want – and actually that’s no good ‘cos I can’t have it!

We covered some of this in the course and it hit a raw nerve so to speak!  Stephen (life coach) went over and over this with me – in masses of different ways!  So I’ve been given all the instruction and coaching I could possibly need.  It’s just there’s still something hidden away in some recess of my mind that keeps firing the opposite – and I wish it wouldn’t!

At least I now recognise when I’m doing it and I know, with an amazing certainty, that I need to dig-deep and allow my unconscious to come up with some other ideas!.

I realise to some of you this may seem a lot of mumbo jumbo and you could all be reading this thinking “OK!  She’s finally lost it – she’s flipped!!”  But I understand it!

Perhaps I should discuss with Stephen!  After all I am now so much more receptive to being coached and allowing myself to consider and be totally open to new choices.

Alternatively give myself a good dose of self-coaching!

Because I really do want to give myself what I want all the time rather than just most of it!

I want Tigger and Pooh Bear days all the time and no more Eeyore days!! (Which by the way I’m NOT having today!!).   I may be feeling a touch jaded having not got to bed until 1.00am –  after a very successful and fun dinner party chez moi – but I’m not feeling at all Eeyore’ish today!