Passion doesn’t have to die

At least that’s what I believe. And I believe it totally.  In fact I believe it with a passion!

In the past 48hours 4 women have told me that after several years of marriage “You can’t expect the passion to remain”.  Why not?  That’s what I want to know.  Are they all giving up on keeping passion alive? And if so why?

Has ‘society’ instilled in us some low expectation of what a life-long partnership should be about? Do we have such low expectations of our relationships?  Or do we get too busy and miss paying attention to the most important part of life – our relationship with the person closest to us?

Is that why so many marriages fail these days?

And those that stay together, so many seem to be plodding through their emotional lives in a sort of fatalistic view that there isn’t any other option.  And no I don’t advocate throwing it all away and starting afresh.  I advocate finding out what each other’s needs really are, then adding a bit of fun at ‘working’ at the passion!

Why my early morning visit to the bluebell wood got me thinking about this I have no idea!!

 

Thank you for your support!

Writing the letter was very important for me.  Publishing it here also mattered.  It told ‘the world’ how I feel.

Thank you, dear readers, for your comments and lovely words of encouragement and support which have been wonderful and comforting – thank you so much.  And thank you for taking time to give your views and suggestions.

Actually I don’t want Alex to be hurt. That doesn’t solve the issue at all.    What I meant (and here it is so interesting how different interpretations on my letter have been seen!) was I want Alex to discover that despite changing the geography of his surroundings and the partner he now lives with that he is still not at ease and comfortable within himself.  That the pain is still there. That the solution lies within himself rather than a different human being.

And I don’t want him to discover this through being hurt.  If that happened he would still be able to abdicate and blame someone else.  And anyway I remain steadfast in my view that I wouldn’t and don’t wish on anyone what I’ve been through.

So no being hurt (by someone else) doesn’t solve anything.  The pain has to come from within. A pain that comes from a dissatisfaction that life is not the way it should be despite having done and changed all the things he has – then and only then will he actually dig deep enough to find out why and then hopefully take the steps – those very hard steps – to look at how he can break the pattern and give himself and become the stunning human being that he wants and can be.  I married a warm-hearted, gentle, kind, lovely man.   This man also has a deep unease within himself.  Someone who finds it easier to run, block out and hide from the issues he has rather than go through the very painful task of ‘sorting them out’.  He knows.  He has said so.  He has made several attempts at facing his ‘demons’ but, I think, (and of course I can only guess as I’m not him!) that he hasn’t conquered his own unique Terror Barrier yet.

I divorced someone who is lost.

The spotlight

Finally this morning I experienced a feeling of incredible relief.

Relief that the spotlight of “marriage failure” has been removed from on me and transferred to the latest casualty – my brother and his wife.  (Not that I wish it on them).

But that’s how it’s felt these last 32 months.  As far as the people living close to me – my neighbours, family and friends,  I’ve been the one who has been the local casualty.  The one who needs nurturing and caring for.

The one in the spotlight.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve been stunned and humbled by their kindnesses and concern. The way they’ve been there for me to help me through. The hours they’ve spent listening to me go over and over the same ground – especially that first year of indecision and trauma – as I  floundered around lost in my own despair.  Then the encouragement and nurture as I fought my way through to where I am today.

The fact they thought I was worth it.

But today the sense of relief is incredible. A big weight has suddenly gone – one which I hadn’t realised was there – I am no longer weighed down by being the latest statistic.  Someone else has taken my place.

I have now moved up a rung on the statistical ladder.  I am a survivor.

In this new place I feel released from the limelight.  I have learnt so much.  And actually hope I still have more to learn.  I’m finding it all too fascinating to stop now!

I can turn to my sister-in-law and listen and listen.  I can empathise like no-one else near her can.  I know what it’s like.  The fact that my experience is still so new.  OK I’m not in her shoes. She will react differently to the way I did.  We are, after all, all unique. We will react in our own unique way. But hopefully  I can help.

I also know what NOT to say or do!

I hope she allows me to be there for her.  I don’t envy her.  I wouldn’t wish the spotlight on her at all.   But I hope her ‘journey’ is enlightening as mine has been and still is.

I still have my goals to resolve – which with Stephen’s help and guidance I hope will truly make me buzz.

Today for the first time I felt that my own personal mountain top is finally in sight.  And when I get to the top I’d like a new spotlight turned on and a banner across the sky saying “Sensational Survivor” – because for my sister-in-law (and hopefully my brother) that might be the incentive to get the help I feel will help them both!

Seeing it in Print

Why is it that I can be doing quite well.  Well I think I have been!  And soldier on without too many issues and then when a large white envelope arrives in my post box full of documents from my solicitor I plummet like a stone yet again.

And plummet I did.  Was it seeing the part that said Alex intends to cohabit that hit hardest? (And I’ve known that’s what he is or intends doing all along so that’s not exactly new information). Or just the fact that my marriage has now been reduced to a lengthy legal document full of words like “Applicant” and “Respondent”.  It’s all so cold.   There is no affection in the legal process of divorce.  Just one’s own personal memories of love, affection and happiness.  I know that’s how it has to be, that it can’t be anything else.  But yesterday it hurt and I wept buckets.

It’s not over yet either.  Still the papers will be bounced, once again, between my solicitor and his, as yet again words need to be changed and paragraphs clarified.  More cost!

So for me the Longest Day was incredibly long. And so, so sad.

So why do men cheat?

And OK – I know women do too!

I’ve just been reading another blog and the writer asked the same question – which is what got me thinking!

I know my perspective is riddled with what has happened to me and my marriage.  The speed of the disintegration of the relationship that I thought was for life – come what may – for better, for worse.

I think some men cheat because, actually, it’s easier to run than face up to issues they have within them.  Maybe they run to  a solution outside themselves rather than dealing with the ‘within’.  In my view that’s what Alex has done.

At the end of the day.  He’s done it. Something I still find amazing – especially on those moments of nostalgia – which, of course, are so dangerous, as they remind me of the times when I was so gloriously happy.  Those moments I gave myself that wonderful feeling of

“Love is how I feel about me when I’m with You” times (credit to my Life Coach – Stephen)

So do we have to face the fact that a lot of men cheat because they are weak wimps who find it safer to bury a relationship than take the initially tougher route of giving 100% to their partner and thus climbing a difficult hill to find something amazing at the top.

Maybe apathy just sets in and they can’t be bothered!

Maybe lust takes over and all they want is masses of sex -and a relationship is a transient thing that gets dropped when a new ‘sex-toy’ appears on the horizon.

I don’t know the answer. This post is just me musing on the possibilities!