For the last 5 nights I’ve slept. By that I mean I’m not up and bouncing around at anything between 3.00 and 5.00 am!
So how come now I’m finally getting a reasonable night’s sleep am I so tired and shattered. It’s bizarre. When I wasn’t sleeping I seemed to have so much energy. Now I’m exhausted!
Is this just my body adjusting itself. I don’t know! No doubt time will tell.
For consistently NOT sleeping!!
If so I beg to claim the Gold medal! I appear to have turned Not Sleeping into a sport all of my own! Either that or a new ‘art form’. I am stupendous at it!!
And clearly BT feel I shouldn’t be awake as I couldn’t log on to the internet at 3.00am this morning, nor at 4.00!! So I was thwarted in my desire to surf the net and generally make a nuisance of myself!!
I wasn’t even particularly unhappy! Just AWAKE!! Oh yes and cold! Well once I got up and roamed around the house.
But the really clever bit – which earns me the medal – is the trick I have of falling back to sleep at about 5.15am – 30 minutes before my alarm goes off!
Well at least I have my exciting evening of leaflet folding to look forward to! My life is so packed with interesting and diverse activities!!
(BTW: It would appear our local newspaper is ‘coming off the fence’ as the front page today is all about the stadium concerns which is a great lead in to tomorrow’s leaflet campaign)
There really is no need for my mind to decide to solve all the issues related to my new idea in the middle of the night!
3.30 – 5.30am is not the time to be deciding on everything!
Sorry dear reader for the down moment.
Proves a point rather doesn’t it. Drink is a depressant! As my GP (doctor) told me it was. Too many glasses of wine and I pour it all out. But there again maybe it’s a good thing! And clearly poetic!
And now it’s 4.00 am YET AGAIN! Which also proves a point. Never mind what time I go to bed I wake up in the middle of the night. Actually at my last house it was 3.00am – so I appear to have moved into a different time zone by moving one mile up the road!!
I was out at a dinner party last night – a 60th birthday do for the husband of my great friend. A surprise party. It was OK – though rather bizarrely the guests were all her friends rather than his! Including her hairdresser!!! Bless her – I actually don’t think she realises she does this. To her we’re their friends – but actually we’re not. We’re hers! OK to a point – but there were none of his – and I’m sure he has some!! Anyway he seemed happy. It was only a small gathering.
And now it’s 5.00am and perhaps I’d better get some more sleep. Less than 4 hours is not going to be good later on today!
To be writing this. But I am wide awake and wishing I wasn’t.
Somehow I need to shake off all this negativity which has been creeping around the edges of my mind. I really do need to do something new. The prospect of life carrying on as it is really isn’t that inviting. And I know the only person who can change it is me.
Focus on pleasure not the pain. Think lovely thoughts! Enjoy what I have!
It just doesn’t seem to be working at the moment. I think the novelty of moving has rather worn off!
Work is work – not that challenging or exciting. And home is home – challenging in a rather lonely, negative way and not that exciting!
And short of standing in the local High Street and shouting “Here I am come and get me” – which might not quite give the result I’m looking for (!) – I am rather stuck on ideas to make my life fun and enjoyable and to feel loved (which is rather what I thought Alex was for!! But has turned out not to be the case!)
I’m definitely having a Stuck at Ground Level moment
My mind is being unkind!!
Either I don’t sleep – which is bad news OR
I dream – dreadful unsettling dreams – which is bad news!! Great! I so love night times!!
Last night I dreamt Alex and I were climbing a mountain through a forest. Lots of trees in our way and the path was very wet and slippery. For some reason we parted at one point and then spent a lot of time searching for each other. Occasionally we met up (good grief this is bearing a great resemblance to reality!) – but each time we did Alex kept telling me he’d been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome (I have no idea where that came from – dreams can really be odd!) and so wasn’t capable of climbing the mountain or showing emotion.
This is all very well but I don’t exactly feel refreshed from a good night’s sleep.
And I am getting more excercise – I walked quite a bit in London on Saturday – OK I didn’t do much on Sunday but then it was freezing cold (that’s my excuse!). OK , OK – I need to do more and get fitter – I do know that! But I wasn’t going out cycling when it’s all icy – I sort of don’t need (or should that be “Kneed”) to do myself any more damage!
My Alexometer has been hovering around 2.00 – 3.00 for the last few days. Which is OK. It does go down on occasions when I just want to tell him to go to hell.
And yes I will admit to a Sunday evening dip when the Alexometer shot up briefly and I wished Alex was back – and no I don’t know what triggered it. It just happened.