I’m having a wobble!

I’ve just spent an hour early this morning lying in bed and shouting at the wall

“How could Alex do this to me?”

Of course the answer lies with Alex and only he knows so really no point in asking the question.  He’s done what he’s done.  And I just have to get on with it.

I think this was triggered by finding out yesterday that he’s spending the next 10 days at the parental home of his new woman.  Which is what he did last year.  So nothing new there.  And I know this is all linked to my inability to “let go” and I’m feeling sorry for myself.

And still to wish he would come rushing back and ask forgiveness is a bit Hollywood – real life doesn’t happen that way.  Sadly!!

Do you know I’m in danger of becoming one of those women I totally have no time for, who years down the line are still wandering round in a sort of droopy pathetic way and who when asked how they are reply –  in a  attention seeking way: “Oh coping you know”.

I AM NOT GOING TO BE LIKE THAT!

So I’ve got to stop doing this to myself.

And thank you AJ for your comments (and your advice  and suggestions on my lack of fridge) – it’s great to know there are people out there egging me on.

So sod it – I have to live up to the current title of this blog or I’ll have to revert back to it’s original title (see This Blog page) which seems rather defeatist and I am not going to be defeated.

I have to value myself more.  I want to value myself more!   After all I told everyone at my party a month ago that I loved the new me I was finding and because of that, because of what I was learning and discovering, I wouldn’t have missed what I’d been through for the world.  Despite all the terrifying, abject horror of the experience.

Well having said that – and meant it – I’d better live up to it now.  Tough though!

It’s just I didn’t see at the time there was a whole lot more horror to go through!

I need to understand my values, learn to apply them, set the rules, focus and have some goals!

Now where is any of that difficult?? – Apart from all of it!!!

And I not only owe it to me but to everyone who is egging me on.  All those who have stood at the top of the ventilation shaft of my own Chilean Mine and yelled encouragement at me!!!

And what a waste of all the life coaching sessions if I give up now!!

This post is having the desired effect as I am now smiling again!

xxx

Just when I thought…….

I was doing OK I seem to be able to put myself back. It’s almost as if I prefer being miserable.  Which I don’t!

So why – I ask myself – did I

1) Put my wedding ring back on
2) Sit down and remind myself of all the good times
3) Not stick to keeping my values in mind
4) Justify my actions to myself

which resulted in

5) Crying

I need my head tested.

It’s so fragile this happiness at the moment and I get so upset with myself when I dip.  I want to go back to the euphoric state I was in 2 weeks ago when I just laughed and bounced all the time.  Well maybe not that level (too difficult to sustain) but at least an inner contentment with my situation.  And that’s what I don’t have just now.

I have this burning desire for more.  But I don’t know what.

I really don’t like being on my own this evening.

I miss so much of being married.  Apart from the obvious of being made love to (and  please  – no suggestions of alternatives!). I miss the companionship, the sharing, and so much more.

Life Coaching can be tough

And it is!  But sometimes  it has to be to work.

Yesterday was really tough.  I cried a lot.    I cried on the way home.  In fact I cried most of the day.

But he was right.  I had to face the truth.  The deep down truth.  The truth that I had blocked out, that I didn’t want to face, that I had avoided.  That Alex had lied and cheated and that I had let him do so.  By not standing up to him in the beginning (and I didn’t because I didn’t want to lose him) I allowed the situation to carry on.  He soon realised (if not consciously then sub-consciously) that he could do what he liked and ‘get away with it’.  And I’ve lost him anyway. So what did I gain?  Probably just extra months of heartache.

I will never understand why the man I married did this to me.  But I am beginning to accept I may never know.  Maybe he doesn’t even know himself.

So why did I cry.  I think from honest grieving at the end of my marriage.  Maybe it’s part of the final letting go and looking forward.

One of my fears – the strongest – is being on my own. I really do hate being on my own.  But – as was pointed out to me yesterday – I have been on my own for the last 20 months.  Now all I have to do is ‘be on my own’ and ‘be happy’.  And I have been happy these last 3 weeks (mostly).  Some days I have been outrageously happy.  So I can be both.  I just need to get used to it!  And NOT look backwards.

So the tears are for sadness – incredible sadness – not misery.

And  I must be doing something right as – despite all these roller-coaster moments – I am sleeping.  The mental turmoil has gone.

Can marriage survive an affair

This appears to be a question many, many people ask.

I believe it can.  I believe my marriage to Alex was so special that we could come through this a stronger and closer couple.  At the moment this is not something that I have had to look at too closely as Alex is still ‘in the affair’ and  – as far as I know – not looking to come back. And I know this sounds as if I’ve completely ‘lost it’ but I don’t think he is happy and I think – most of the time – he was happy with me.

What I know – without a shadow of doubt – is that no one can be happy with another person until they are happy with themselves.  This is why I am going to Life and Relationship Coaching.

I also know that if we do get back together we have to rebuild the trust and respect we had before , we have to talk through what he has done and what effect it had on both of us and that when that’s all done and dusted then neither of us can  – EVER – bring up his affair, the reasons he did it or any other destructive emotion we both went through during this time.

I see so many couples who have got back together and  then the injured party throws the affair in the other’s face every time there is a row or disagreement.

So to anyone who is asking this question “Can marriage survive an affair”  the answer is yes if you want it to enough but probably not without help and as far as I can see – with my yet to be proven experience – I would say Relationship Coaching – if you find a good one – can certainly assist and help you succeed!

xxx

Life Coaching – continues

Someone asked me earlier this week why I am going to a male relationship coach.

Good question.

Well – Men hopefully understand men!  But – and this is an appalling generalisation – I think they may be better  at understanding women  than women are at understanding men.

I have seen a couple of female counsellers and they both brought with them their own take on marriage breakup using their own personal experiences.  I think men can be more rational and so more open minded.  My situation is mine (and Alex’s) and no one else’s.  It may have similarities to other breakups but we are still unique as a couple and our issues are unique – and have to be dealt with uniquely.

I hope this makes sense – it does to me – which I suppose is all that matters!!  It is a bit waffley!  Sorry!