4.00am is not a good time!

To be writing this.  But I am wide awake and wishing I wasn’t.

Somehow I need to shake off all this negativity which has been creeping around the edges of my mind.  I really do need to do something new.  The prospect of life carrying on as it is really isn’t that inviting.  And I know the only person who can change it is me.

Focus on pleasure not the pain.  Think lovely thoughts!  Enjoy what I have!

It just doesn’t seem to be working at the moment.  I think the novelty of moving has rather worn off!

Work is work – not that challenging or exciting.  And home is home – challenging in a rather lonely, negative way and not that exciting!

And short of standing in the local High Street and shouting “Here I am come and get me”   – which might not quite give the result I’m looking for (!) – I am rather stuck on ideas to make my life fun and enjoyable and to feel loved (which is rather what I thought Alex was for!!  But has turned out not to be the case!)

I’m definitely having a Stuck at Ground Level  moment

I thought I was in control of me!

I’d done so well today.  A bit of shopping.  A bit of pampering.  Even a short bike ride in the sun – OK only a mile – but I have to start somewhere and I certainly now realise how unfit I’ve become over this last year of no exercise!  I even found pumping up the tyres hard work – and as for cycling up a slight hill……  Well clearly a great deal more exercise is needed!!

Anyway just as I thought I had my emotions under control. That I was on the up. What happens but I get a card from Alex.  I was expecting a cheque but not the card.  And not the message:

“I wanted to write to say that I do want you to be happy and successful and I’m very sorry for all the distress I’ve caused – Love Alex”

My initial reaction was floods of tears!

So much for my “Alexometer” settling – as it has done over the last week or so – at the bottom of the scale.  Of course it shot back up to 8/9 !  Brilliant!

It doesn’t take a lot to make me wobble does it!

I need to keep busy.  Focused.  Forward looking.

A need to focus

A big need to focus on How and What questions.   And keep clear of the Why ones!

Had a few Why moments in the last 12 hours or so.  Not a brilliant idea to do that!

Probably not helped by a 3 page letter from my divorce solicitor pointing out I hadn’t been consulting her!   Well that’s the idea of mediation – we avoided all the batting back and forth.

OK most people would be jumping for joy that soon they’d be free. I suppose I should – but I’m not!

I just need to keep myself busy and not brood.

I shall now be in trouble with all of you for being negative and with Stephen for posing the wrong questions to myself!!

No one said this was going to be easy.  And you know what – dear reader – it isn’t!!!  And No Sympathy!!!   It’s not allowed.  Despite what my LC says I don’t actually like all the sympathy.  But if I am going to be honest here – which is the whole idea of the thing – then my ups and downs have to be recorded. And I’m just having a bit of a down today.  IT IS ALLOWED!!!!

But not for long!!

Sorry!!!  I shall do better!!  Even if I run out of exclamation marks in the process!! (which I haven’t yet).

I am doing all the things I promised myself I would do this evening.  I’ve sent off my photos for the camera club comp – what do you think:

Bluebells against the sky

Hover Fly

Tiger on the prowl

I hope I get good marks.  It’s all about winning!!!  Which I haven’t yet!

Damn it – big down moment

Emails from Alex are never good for my state of mind.  He has  now decided against coming round to solve my last IT issue – so I will sort it out myself!  And actually I am going to drop off his box of stuff with a friend – he can collect it from there. 

I am then going to sort out my mobile phone (tomorrow) – cancel his – and sort out my other phone bill.  He then doesn’t have to see me again – which clearly is what he wants.  He can be SO hurtful.

And as to the tone of some of his email communications – I get friendlier ones from Amazon!!

It’s either no sleep or dreadful dreams

My mind is being unkind!!

Either I don’t sleep – which is bad news OR

I dream – dreadful unsettling dreams – which is bad news!!  Great!  I so love night times!!

Last night I dreamt Alex and I were climbing a mountain through a forest.  Lots of trees in our way and the path was very wet and slippery. For some reason we parted at one point and then spent  a lot of time searching for each other.  Occasionally we met up (good grief this is bearing a great resemblance to reality!)  – but each time we did Alex kept telling me he’d been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome (I have no idea where that came from – dreams can really be odd!) and so wasn’t capable of climbing the mountain or showing emotion.

This is all very well but I don’t exactly feel refreshed from a good night’s sleep.

And I am getting more excercise – I walked quite a bit in London on Saturday – OK I didn’t do much on Sunday but then it was freezing cold (that’s my excuse!).  OK , OK – I need to do more and get fitter – I do know that!  But I wasn’t going out cycling when it’s all icy – I sort of don’t need (or should that be “Kneed”) to do myself any more damage!

My Alexometer has been hovering around 2.00 – 3.00 for the last few days.  Which is OK.  It does go down on occasions when I just want to tell him to go to hell. 

And yes I will admit to a Sunday evening dip when  the Alexometer shot up briefly and I wished Alex was back – and no I don’t know what triggered it.  It just happened.

A little excitement in my life!!

No – BT have NOT connected my phone or Internet.  And anyone in the UK who reads this will understand that if I see their Advert  once more – on how easy it is to move house and how they will care for you all the way- I will probably report them to the Advertising Standards Authority for mis-representation!!

Guess what? –  I am going out tomorrow!!!  I am having lunch with a man!  Someone I used to work with.  We are meeting in London!  And it’s all above board – he’s single again too! (And I haven’t told anyone locally where I am going or what I am doing – which is quite nice!  – After all I am answerable to no-one – just me!!)

Apart from that – the appeal of my little house continues to grow.  I am getting to like it more and more.  I’ve bought myself a small TV for the kitchen and it all feels homelier and homelier by the day.

My redirected mail seems to have vanished down a blackhole  – but I suppose that was also to be expected. At least I’m not getting any bills!!

So I am being positive!  Perhaps it’s all the visits to the pub so I can catch up on emails!!