It never hurts to remember how fortunate we all are to live in the times we do. I watched the programme on “Britain’s Secret Schindler” last night. Nicholas Winton is now 101 and still so articulate. What he did for those 600+ Jewish children was incredible.
But it’s worth remembering that so many people have their lives torn apart by war and find the courage and determination to rebuild and grasp futures that seem impossible to imagine. It is just a case of taking those steps and not looking back.
My ‘crash’ is small in comparision which is important for me to realise.
BTW I have a tenuous connection with Nicholas Winton as he and my father were at school together.
I’m sure you’ve spotted – dear reader – that today is Life Coaching day. And as usual I trot out from my session full of positive vibes and a determination to conquer the demon in me which finds comfort in the ‘pain’ thoughts!!
I feel a bit like a clockwork toy. Stephen winds me up on a Wednesday and sets me off running – and off I go full of determination and buzz, enthusiasm and positive thoughts – and then – rather gently – over the next seven days I wind down!! Only to be rewound the following week!
The good thing is that – hopefully – each time I don’t actually wind down to where I was before – I do take a step up!
I hope I’ve made you all smile! And yes I am sitting in the pub again (2nd time today) so I can catch up on the blogging and my horrendous number of emails which I have to deal with!
Still dangerously high I’m afraid – it seems to be stuck firmly at 8.00-9.00 which isn’t good for my well-being! So I wobble on!
I ended up having dinner with friends last night as I had to take a detour home (motorways are OK until someone decides to modify the central reservation!). Lovely to see them BUT I wish people would stop saying:
“How lovely to have a new start”
“Great to see you Moving On”
“Now you can really Let Go”
Now – don’t get me wrong – in their shoes I have a shrewd suspicion I would be saying the same things – at least I would have done until I experienced this trauma! Now – definitely not! I just HATE those phrases! And, bizarrely, all I want to do is dig in and do the opposite! Which is just plain obstinate! And not doing me any good at all!
It’s not as if I’m miserable – because I’m not really. I just feel as if there’s a large gaping hole in my life which should be filled by Alex and isn’t. But not the Alex of today who is living in ‘fearful’ mode – but the one I married who made me laugh and who I thought would always be there for me – but clearly isn’t!
This is where I see both of us being at the moment:
a) He’s cheated with the OW
b) Shown me no respect
c) Can’t discuss emotions or issues that really matter
d) Has lied
e) Has hurt me beyond anything I thought possible
So why in hell’s name would I want him back. And that dear reader is the question to which I appear to have several different answers! And depending on the Alexometer reading I get a different answer each time!
Oops. I have Life Coaching tomorrow so I’m in “trouble” now!!! (You see – dear reader – he reads this!!)
Well I’ve just made me smile – so that can’t be bad!!
Sorry – having a wobble moment. The Alexometer has soared to a 9.00.
I apologise for this – dear reader – I lost control of it over the last 12 hours or so. I will endeavour to do better and ‘pull myself together’.
It’s no good wishing. The only hope is focusing on the future. And making that future a fun place to be.
Note to self: Stop being so over flexible. Stop thinking you can forgive him. Stop wishing things were different. Stop caring. In fact just STOP! And now just START! Start creating a fun fulled future. Start laughing again. Start doing more things. Start playing the piano (including working out the notes from middle C – as I can’t read music!). Start taking more photos.
Well I did well this morning by adding a good comment to AJ’s blog. I even made him laugh!.
And thank you to all my visitors here. I am hanging on to your comments at the moment.
Posting from my friend’s house is not as it is when I’m on my own and can really concentrate and find the words to say what’s going on and how I am really feeling.
Everyone is chatting around me and looking after me! Which is lovely! But I get distracted (possibly also good) so I get lost and forget to say what I want to say!!
I still find going out difficult. It’s not the going out that’s hard these days – I’ve overcome that – by and large….. It’s the going home alone I find tough. No-one to chat over the evening with. Just me!! And I’ve started to talk to myself – a great deal – not good!!
It really does feel surreal. Life I mean! I suppose it will start feeling like home soon. And I keep thinking Alex should be there too. Which is incredibly silly of me as he left nearly two years ago. Anyone with any sense would have got used to the situation by now. Perhaps I’m just thick!
And – dear reader – we all know how much I hate “Moving on” and “Letting Go” but I can see that I am doing both those things. Even if I am doing it in very small ‘baby steps’.
My home is now completely unpacked. A friend and his son have removed all the packing cartons for me and the son is going to sort out all my IT, TV and Stereo issues – in exchange for a TV! Brilliant deal as far as I can see as the TV came free ( inherited from my father). So everyone is being wonderfully helpful.
Now all I need is an internet connection – but that won’t happen until Monday week.