The spotlight

Finally this morning I experienced a feeling of incredible relief.

Relief that the spotlight of “marriage failure” has been removed from on me and transferred to the latest casualty – my brother and his wife.  (Not that I wish it on them).

But that’s how it’s felt these last 32 months.  As far as the people living close to me – my neighbours, family and friends,  I’ve been the one who has been the local casualty.  The one who needs nurturing and caring for.

The one in the spotlight.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve been stunned and humbled by their kindnesses and concern. The way they’ve been there for me to help me through. The hours they’ve spent listening to me go over and over the same ground – especially that first year of indecision and trauma – as I  floundered around lost in my own despair.  Then the encouragement and nurture as I fought my way through to where I am today.

The fact they thought I was worth it.

But today the sense of relief is incredible. A big weight has suddenly gone – one which I hadn’t realised was there – I am no longer weighed down by being the latest statistic.  Someone else has taken my place.

I have now moved up a rung on the statistical ladder.  I am a survivor.

In this new place I feel released from the limelight.  I have learnt so much.  And actually hope I still have more to learn.  I’m finding it all too fascinating to stop now!

I can turn to my sister-in-law and listen and listen.  I can empathise like no-one else near her can.  I know what it’s like.  The fact that my experience is still so new.  OK I’m not in her shoes. She will react differently to the way I did.  We are, after all, all unique. We will react in our own unique way. But hopefully  I can help.

I also know what NOT to say or do!

I hope she allows me to be there for her.  I don’t envy her.  I wouldn’t wish the spotlight on her at all.   But I hope her ‘journey’ is enlightening as mine has been and still is.

I still have my goals to resolve – which with Stephen’s help and guidance I hope will truly make me buzz.

Today for the first time I felt that my own personal mountain top is finally in sight.  And when I get to the top I’d like a new spotlight turned on and a banner across the sky saying “Sensational Survivor” – because for my sister-in-law (and hopefully my brother) that might be the incentive to get the help I feel will help them both!

Working to success

“Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all.”Aristotle

Stephen (LC) gave me a list of people he recommended I read. Darren Hardy used this quote in his latest blog post , which I found very helpful. 

I believe what he says can be used in our every day lives and encounters to the good.  I think building positive emotions within ourselves is the starting point.  And probably for lots of people going through what I’ve been through this is the tough bit – I know it was/still can be for me. 

But I have two choices – to build a positive outlook for me or not. And actually the positive one is really the only one which will give me a brilliant future.

I hope you read it.  And if you do – I’d be interested to know what you think!

The Nightmare is over

Yes the nightmare is over.  As in the total horror of what I’ve been through over the last 2+ years.  I may still wobble and get those days when I want to cling to my past life BUT BUT BUT I know one of the reasons for wobbling is not having enough goals which grab my attention, hold my passion for life and fire me up with enthusiasm for a new future.

I know – with a passion – that what I’ve got now is not enough.  I know with a passion I want more. I know with a passion that my time on this planet has to be more important than this. That I have more to give than I have already. That the purpose of being me has to be more than solving office moves at work (for me – easy), fighting campaigns to save airfields (fun) or being outrageous when I want to be.

I know perfectly well that I can meet my need for adventures by joining holidays that go to the places I want to see so that isn’t the real problem.  I may have to wait until I have funds (and escape my close and growing relationship with the local garage!!) but I can meet that value on my own – as being on my own is where I am for now.

I have my small goals  – improving my french, piano playing…….  but these aren’t enough.

Because I’ve  found through all the inspirational Life Coaching I’ve had that Making a Difference is also an important Value for me (it’s in my Top 13) and actually just now it seems to be moving itself higher and higher up my list.  It could be one of the most fundamental values for me as just now meeting it  might finally get me Flying.

Something has to.  And it’s about time this blog title changed from “I’ve Survived, and I’m about to Fly”  To “I’m a Sensational Survivor and I’m Flying”

I just don’t know what to do next!  I know lots of things I don’t want to do – which my mother always used to say, when we were young, was a good start! – Now I need to find what will make me buzz and meet this important value for me head on.

And I have a sneaky suspicion if I can meet it head-on I will finally fly over the final hurdle of getting over the horror of what I’ve been through, without even noticing it was there.

And that’s what I want to do.

Life Coaching – a summary!

Having an unexpected day at home due to my car deciding not to do what it’s designed to do,  I’ve used the time, I hope sensibly, to go over most of what I’ve learned over the last year.

So if you’re interested then do read on – and if you’re not that’s fine!  I don’t expect everyone to be!!

Stephen (LC) has introduced me to masses of different tools to improve my outlook on life and given me methods of focusing on my future.  Helping me find out who I am, who I want to be and discovering the ‘real me’

Initially I needed to see I really did have a future which could be what I wanted it to be.  To realise it was within me to create a future I wanted and to be in charge of that future rather than react to the circumstances I found myself in. The 6ft and 30 seconds exercise proved how fast I could change that outlook within me if I created it in my mind and  focused 100% on it.

So here, in summary, are some (but not all) the things I’ve learnt and how to use them to my advantage

(Most of the following headings are clickable to posts or pages I’ve written in the past – as this post is a summary of all the different tools I’ve been given I’ve not repeated them in full – so – if you’re interested then click away!)

Values

I found this incredibly difficult to grasp!  Don’t ask me why – I just did!  But I have my values on cards now and I can spend many an hour re-organising them.  I have my top ones and I now know the Rules I need to apply to them to meet each Value, not only for me but from others.  These are fundamental to everything.  These are the ones I would say to everyone are the ones which are so important to grasp and live by and are the backbone of his coaching  – the life raft to cling to and turn to.  I tend to re-order them as time moves on – which is good – after all that’s the idea – to move forward!

The figure of Eight

Understanding how I do this and then spotting when I run it is very important.  I do still do it. Though less and less and – mostly – now I can bring myself out of it on a positive when I do fall into the trap.

The Focus Triangle

What you focus on is what you get. So if you’re inner voice is giving you positive vibes and you stand tall and straight then the future is much more positive than slouching and letting your inner voice give you negatives.

For Every Negative list 10 positives

I didn’t stick at this one and rather wish I had.  I should do it more as it’s so simple and is great for focusing the mind!  And I was supposed to give myself a reward when I kept clear of negatives for – I think – 10 days in a row!  Well it’s never too late so perhaps I should start doing that now!

The Different Versions of Me

I’ve learned that we all have different versions of ourselves which we bring into ‘play’ in different situations and environments. Actually understanding them and the power they hold and feeling comfortable with them has been vitally important.

Strengths

Reading the book Strengths Finder 2.0 by Tom Rath.  At the back of the book you get a code which you feed in on the website and then carry out an assessment.  It has really helped to understand what my top 5 strengths are and how using them in conjunction with others – who have different strengths –  will get the best from a situation

Being my own Life Coach

Realising I’m my own best friend and that I can give myself advice and also become my own Life Coach and help myself that way too.

The feminine Me

To find and understand that my strength lies in being feminine was an important and vital step

Goals

Stephen gave me a very valuable list on setting goals, but also showed me what happens when the goal isn’t good enough. (see diagram)  A small goal requires small action – which then gives a small result and so gives me  ‘proof’ that I can’t achieve anything fantastic. So it’s important to set high goals which require massive action as the results will be better and the proof of achievement also greater.

So re-reading my ‘Goals’ of earlier this week for my Dream Future they need to be greater and bigger and better – and more focused!  Playing the piano and learning French maybe and are important to me but they are hardly Goals in the bigger picture!! Even saying I want to be a better photographer isn’t a goal!  After all I’ll be better by learning one small technique.

I definitely need better Goal Setting!!

Summary

This is just some of what I’ve learnt and what Stephen has guided me through.  There has been a great deal more!  What I really do need to do now is use all the tools I’ve been given.

I need to do my homework and my homework is my life!

Am I right Stephen‽‽

The Double Edged Sword

I’ve been mentally bracing myself for the past 3 weeks or so for the envelope to drop into my post box telling me I am now a divorced woman.

I’ve been winding myself up to acknowledge that it is only a piece of paper and that as such it won’t make a blind bit of difference to my situation.  Everything will be the same.

Today I had an email from my solicitor – yet more delays as Alex’s solicitor didn’t send all the financial agreement information to the court.  So now there will be more delays.  The double-edged sword of the end game.

Part of me breathes a sigh of relief  – I don’t have to face the final hurdle yet.  Part of me wishes it was all over.  So I can have my final outburst of tears and – hopefully –  then bolt the door of my wonderful marriage and surprising break-up behind me.  I am still incredulous at what’s happened. I still can’t believe he did it.  Even though I know he has!  I know it’s now more than two and a half years and the logical, sensible part of me keeps telling me to pull myself together.  And I am.  Mostly!!  It’s just part of me keeps shouting in my ear – you shouldn’t be here!!

And I am not in ‘victim’ mode this evening either. More just still feeling ‘surprised’.  The surreal nature of it all (which I’ve written about before) still hangs around.

I love the ‘me’ I’ve found.  I just happen to want it all – even though, if I’m honest, I’m no longer sure what “It All” actually is anymore. I just know that this isn’t it – it’s partly it but not totally.  There has to be more. This has to be a staging post.  A place where I don’t want to linger longer than I have to.

So the double-edged sword of today has been unsettling.  It’s left me dithering on what I want and wish for. Which is silly as one of those things is unobtainable. And I don’t actually know if I really want it anymore!  I just think I might!!