I wish I’d paid more attention!

Doh!!

Only now have I realised it!  All those Life Coaching sessions when I paced up and down. Glared at the floor.  Disliked Stephen’s shoes (he does know!). When my mind wandered. When I drove home with a feeling I’d missed some important point.  Or failed to grasp a concept in its entirety!

And now as I take my first tentative steps into learning more I wish I could re-run all those coaching sessions so I could take more notes. See what did and didn’t work for me and then work out why. Watch and learn how the ideas and techniques were presented.

I know I will learn to do these things and I will learn to do them my way. But right now I wish I could have videod all my sessions so I could refer back to them now and objectively see why I resisted some of the coaching and not other parts.  And see how I reacted and why when I had those ‘light bulb’ moments!

I would love to just sit down over a drink and discuss it as a sort of resume of what I went through.    I want to discuss me but from a very objective stance. As though I was discussing someone else. A critique of what I’ve been through!

It’s all very frustrating!  I have a whole stack of fascinating questions (well I think they are!!) and no answers.

My search for answers appears relentless – well at least my questions these days are focused and forward looking!

And yes, dear reader, I know I could contact him and suggest this. But right now I think  know I’m being encouraged to stand on my own two feet.  After all it’s easy to become ‘hooked’ or dependent on the coaching sessions and perhaps he thinks I am in danger of this.

So I’ll bide my time for now!

 

Lost and Found

I’ve read a great deal about people who have ‘set off’ to ‘find’ themselves

They ditch their current life announcing something like:

  • I’m confused
  • I’m unhappy
  • I don’t know what I want
  • I’m lost
  • I need to discover me
  • You don’t understand me
  • I need time on my own
  • I need to find myself

And that’s what they do!  Off they go to ‘find’ themselves. 

So often this appears to involve an element of travel!  Which of course adds a certain frisson of excitement to the whole experience!  For some it’s escape to the wilds of Scotland – others go the whole hog and really put travel on the agenda.

Well I don’t actually believe many people ‘find’ themselves at the bottom of a tub of Italian ice cream in the centre of Rome,(however moorish the flavour!)  or in the depths of an Indian meditation retreat, or come to that in lustful, abandoned, passionate sex on a Bali Beach! They might be having a jolly good adventure and a lot of fun, possibly with an eye on a profitable book about it and maybe that’s their justification for ditching their world and following their dream. But I’m not convinced on the ‘finding’ aspect of this!

I also don’t believe that “Wild Love” (a book which irritates me) is anything more than another justification for another ditch and run.

So to any potential ‘runners’ I would say this – before you charge off to ‘find’ yourself just look in the mirror.

Good gracious there you are looking back at yourself!  How about saying “Hello Me” to yourself before you run as guess what? You’ll always be with you. 

How about asking yourself “I wonder why I’m feeling like this.  I’d love to know”

So my suggestion is rather than ‘Finding yourself’  How about ‘Finding Out how to Understand yourself.  OK this probably involves a small amount of expenditure as help from a professional is probably going to be needed. But you just might discover that Understanding you is a far more solid foundation to build on.  And by Understanding you and what you need, Understanding how you work and why, and then Understanding how and what your partner needs from life could be one passionate bit of fun – and you’ve saved the air fares, hotel costs, ice cream costs, moving costs, divorce costs,… whatever.

And once you’ve done that you can both zip off and have passionate, abandoned, uninhibited sex on a Bali Beach together!  And I believe (though I don’t know) a Bali Beach hut is probably charged by the hut rather than the number of occupants – so is a great deal cheaper per head – or should that be per body! Much better than booking it for one and then hoping to find others to invite in!

OK, I agree, you’ve missed out on all that solo travel with no-one to talk to about it with but, personally, I prefer to share my experiences and share with someone who’s going to stick around!  And this way you get just that –  you’ve still got the person you promised “For better for Worse” to, the great, shared memories and a passionate present and future!

It’s just an idea!

There haven’t been enough hours in today!

I never, NEVER, never thought I’d say this!!  I never thought I’d feel like this!

But today there just haven’t been enough hours in the day to get done all the things I’ve wanted to.  I’m now reading two books at once “Time to Think” – which I’ve mentioned before and also a book about hypnosis: “My Voice will go with you” – The Teaching tales of Milton Erickson.  OK I do have to admit I fell asleep for an hour which was rather surprising – one moment I was engrossed in it and the next I opened my eyes to find I’d lost a whole hour.  Perhaps I hypnotised myself into slumber!

I’ve also been watching my DVD: An Evening with Richard Bandler, Introduction to NLP –  which I’m now watching for the 2nd time today.

I keep getting deja vu moments as I come across techniques  that I remember Stephen using – and I hope I’m getting a glimmer of understanding as to why!

There have been a few irritating moments of interruption like essential shopping and  other chores! As was the need to go and buy four YES FOUR new tyres for my car!  This car is going to bankrupt me at this rate!!  Just as well I wanted to get back home – I can’t afford to shop for fun!!

I’ve even managed to get my French homework done!  A first this early in the weekend!  And I’ve written more than one paragraph on the subject of the niqab which isn’t exactly an easy topic in any language!  My tutor doesn’t make life easy!!

So today has been a good day. Have a lovely evening everyone!!!

Acknowledgement

A lot is said about forgiveness. That moment that people suggest we are able to forgive our EXs for smashing up our lives, throwing us into our pits of despair, walking roughshod over our feelings and disappearing into their supposed new found happiness.

The other day I ‘wrote’ to Alex on my blog and forgave him for what he did.  At the moment when I wrote it I did.  Bizarrely ever since then I haven’t!

For months and months my earnest hope was that what we had could be resurrected, that we could somehow come through all this. That he would wake up one morning and realise he was in bed with the wrong woman!  (OK real good Holywood stuff).  That I would be able to forgive.

Denial was where I was – big time.  According to the book I’m reading “Time to Think” by Nancy Kline – and I quote:

We can usually go for about a year before we are forced to see what had been right in our face from the beginning. 

What she calls The Amy Question:   “What do you already know that you are going to find out in a year?”

What I do know is I’ve reached a level of acknowledgement that life has changed and will go on changing.  Not in the way I’d planned.  Maybe that’s what people mean by ‘letting go’ and ‘moving on’.  For me, for now, acknowledgement is about all I can handle.  The sadness of the breakup is still there – maybe it always will be.  But that’s something I feel comfortable acknowledging too.

BTW – the book is very enlightening and interesting!

3.00am is a pointless time of day!

3.00am is a pointless time of day or should that be night!!

That great moment when I still find myself wide awake on occasions (though less and less which is good!)

When I beat myself up ask myself ludicrously stupid questions for which there is clearly going to be no answer, satisfactory or otherwise. When I wonder what the ‘point’ is. Or come to that where the point is!  Navigation was never my strong point!

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When I used to glide (pics of my glider above)  I used to turn the map round so I always had the direction I was flying in going ‘north’ or ‘south’.  Difficult when you’re going round and round in circles trying to gain height (actually I left the map alone at those moments).  Did I ever get lost?  Sometimes!  But never completely and totally.  My circle of uncertainty had moments of being fairly large but never enough to cover the whole damned map!  Did I ever scare myself?  You bet!  A couple of times I totally terrified myself!

My life right now seems a bit like a cross-country glider flight in conditions when staying home would have been the better option.  When I seem to have lost the map.  When I struggle to gain height whilst others around me seem to be finding the strong lift and soaring above (something I was notoriously good at doing.  The gliding club instructors always said that if there was a good bit of sink in the sky then Caroline would find it!).

The thing is to get to my next ‘turning point’ I need to have gained a good lot of height to glide off  – and possibly – to have a slight clue as to the direction I should be going in!!

The other thing I was notorious for was refusing to go cross-country and  sticking within gliding range of home!  On the occasions that I did strike out and throw caution to the wind I felt inordinately proud of myself and thoroughly enjoyed the experience.  You see once you’re out of gliding range of home you might as well keep going!

So my problem right now is courage!  That and a map.  That and a task – points on my map which I’ve decided I would like to fly to.

And lying in bed at 3.00am discussing with myself the “How could he have done this to me?” question and the myriad of others doesn’t solve anything!  If it did Alex would be curled up next to me and I wouldn’t be discussing this with my teddy bear! (Who has had to ‘bear’ a great deal over all this!)

Hope your day soars dear reader.

OK! So how DO we communicate?

That’s what it all boils down to in the end isn’t it!

Men and women communicate in different ways.  All well and good but what if a man is in turmoil, for whatever reason, how do we wonderful women get are darling men to open up and tell us?  That’s what I want to know.  How do we help?

Given that the man’s role – so I understand from Stephen (and I agree with him btw)  – is to care and protect, I presume they feel they are failing if they hit a stumbling block and so can’t actually talk about it as this makes them feel even more of a failure as it voices their fears and vulnerabilities – which isn’t at all ‘manly’.

So, say, for instance, the man has a problem at work, or loses his job, or fails at an interview……  The list is endless…………..

How do we wonderful women, who are feminine and vulnerable and hanging on to our femininity and have no wish to ‘become manly’, how do we get our men to open up and still make them feel Strong and Manly?

In this minefield of communication we need tools.  Not only tools to help us say how we feel when we have problems but tools to help us help our men.

How do we create that safe haven for our men that allows them to say how they feel. Which enables them to communicate their problems without emasculating them?

Because if we know that then we can also create the same ‘safe haven’ for us to communicate back when we have problems.Because our men would recognise this ‘safe place’ and be happy to ‘enter into it’, knowing they were going to be respected and their manliness wouldn’t be in question.

OK they also have to learn about how women communicate but hey  I can’t sort everything out here in one post!!

And don’t tell me it’s the man’s job to ‘create the haven’ – I don’t believe it is!  Women are better at saying how they feel so – in my view (and I could be wrong) it’s our ‘job’ to create this environment where difficult communication can take place ‘safely’.

If we knew and understood that wouldn’t it be just great.

So all I now need is information………

And some views and ideas!