My Steps along the Way!

To any new reader who has just fallen on this blog for whatever reason, I hope you find it interesting and helpful.

For me this blog was one of my life-lines.  It gave me an important outlet where I could air my feelings and thoughts as I worked through the different emotional stages to where I am now.  Most of the posts are categorised into these Stages.

Stage 1 The Chilean Mine
Stage 2 Ground Level
Stage 3 Climbing
Stage 4 The Top
Stage 5 Flying

The comments and support were vital.  So to those who are perhaps at those initial stages of shock and horror of a relationship collapse – whether that be of their own choosing or inflicted upon them –  then  I hope the posts and Pages of this blog help you in some way.

The Debates/Discussion posts are worth reading as they are thought provoking and contain good life coaching assistance.

The Pages can be accessed either through the list on the right or the menu bar above.  I hope you find them useful.

Dipping into past posts gives an insight to the route I took.  But in summary here are some of the posts which I feel were important!

I’m in a new and better place

Reflective Moments

Real Men don’t Cheat and the following debate!

Vulnerability is the key to my success

Why I had the thoughts I had!

The moment my Goal started to take shape!  I’m just surprised it took me so long to realise it given earlier posts!!

And finally all those Poetry moments which came bumbling into my mind throughout!

The above only highlight a few of the steps I’ve taken but I defy anyone to wade through the entire blog!  I have done so just recently and found it fascinating – but then it’s been all about Me!!

Here’s to everyone’s happiness and brilliant future.  May you find your route and get to where I am today.  Eighteen months ago a large part of me didn’t believe it was possible! But it is!  I’ve surprised myself and in so doing found an inner peace and contentment which is great. My next goal is to find someone to share my life with!

This blog remains open to comments. And if I can help you in any way then please do get in contact.

It’s served its purpose

For several weeks now I’ve been pondering as to whether my blog has run its course.  It’s served its purpose and maybe it’s time to let it rest.

I don’t know. 

I never expected it to be so therapeutic.  I never expected to get the readership it has.  Wonderful people who I have empathised with and who have supported, encouraged, cajoled and nurtured me.  It has been humbling and amazingly touching.  You have been the people I shared every twist and turn of emotion with.  To whom I’ve bared my soul as I’ve searched for answers, faced things that I didn’t know I needed to face,   as I hunted for my route back to happiness.

I owe all of you a massive debt of gratitude.  Without meeting most of you I’ve nonetheless come to feel I know you all so well.

We’ve had fun along the way. You’ve made me smile and laugh. You’ve cheered me on when all I could do is weep!   I look back on the great discussions that took place here.  The fact that although we’ve had differences of opinion we have respected those opinions and chosen the words we have written with great respect for each other.  Thank you.

I owe a massive debt of gratitude to Stephen my life coach who gave so much of his time freely, either here on this blog or in the copious number of emails, texts and telephone calls.  I believe knowing about this blog helped him coach me because he could watch my mood swings and was able to (and did) pick up when I wobbled.  His incredible dedication and support to his clients is amazing.

Without him and the type of coaching he provided I would never have found my new direction in life.  One I am increasingly excited about and one which I know will meet my values head-on.

Yes I am now flying – sometimes I soar.  I don’t want this blog to pull me back.  It is in danger of being an anchor still linking me to the ground!    I’m not sure why.  It is what it is.

I am not going to disappear into the ether. I shall continue to follow all your blogs.  Try stopping me!!  I shall continue to comment when I feel I have something constructive, funny or amusing to say.  Or I feel I can be a valuable support.  But for now I don’t see me posting here.  I could be wrong. 

As it stands right now it has mapped my route from near suicide to the place of happiness I’m now in.  One I would have reached a lot earlier had Alex not dithered about coming back and fed me confusing messages on how he felt. But it was the way it was.  For me my space here now has a feeling of completeness.  (Feel free to disagree dear reader!)

I have a sister blog to this one which I’m considering activating.  One which is free of the angst of my past.  One which could be there for fun, silly stories and the new me.  I’m thinking about it!!  I do like writing so maybe that will be my answer!

So, for now,  a massive number of hugs to you all.  My special blogland friends.  You have inspired me and been there for me and for that I can’t find words to express how touched I’ve been.

This is how I see it today.

Tomorrow everything could be different…………………………!!

Caroline
xxxx

Enjoyment

“Enjoyment appears at the boundary between boredom and anxiety, when the challenges are just balanced with the person’s capacity to act”  – Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi – Flow

So with that in mind I’ve been considering how often I get bored and why!

I am – mostly – bored with my job.  I haven’t been over the last month or so as I’ve been busy programming a system which has stretched my skills sufficiently within my capacity to act but not to the point where I couldn’t solve the problems – hence I experienced a fair amount of enjoyment!

I enjoy coaching. When I coach I experience Flow.  I become completely absorbed in what I’m doing and the client in front of me.  To see a client have a breakthrough moment – never mind how small – gives me great enjoyment in seeing their pleasure in achieving something for themselves which they didn’t feel was possible.  Even when they don’t always ‘get it’ right away I get pleasure in helping them consider possibilities which they’d never thought of.

Carrying out a task can cease to be enjoyable when my capacity to act is thwarted either by my own inability or skill – whatever.

I am experiencing this in no small degree over my website!   My inability to configure and customise the pages the way I want them has dumbfounded me and left me frustrated and – I will admit – rather cross.  And since the only person I can get cross with is me, this has not been an enjoyable experience!!  And has left me fairly anxious.  I don’t enjoy ‘half-measures’!

My inability to ‘market’ myself is also rather irritating!  Much to my surprise I don’t seem able to sell myself!   So clearly I must now retrace my steps, reconsider this aspect of my goal and find a route which achieves what I want to achieve.  There is no point in ‘banging my head against a brick wall’!

Then there is the house-hunting!  Initially I found this boring, then I became anxious!  A happy medium is what I required.  Friends are taking up my cause – wow it’s lovely to know they are there. So great not to be doing this on my own.  I am feeling valued and supported which is great.  And actually having their support has now made the activity far more enjoyable!

I am not alone, I don’t have to do deal with all the issues of life alone.  People are available and often want to help!

And all help is welcome and enjoyable.

It’s great letting them into one’s life!

It’s easier done than said!

The big problem I had dear reader, and by that I mean the problem of creating a good new  fun future for myself, was I kept talking myself out of it!

Every time I created a new future for myself, I’d then spend many unproductive hours talking myself out of it.  I’d come up with more buts and excuses than anyone could possibly imagine.

Why?  Well it could have been a lack of faith in myself. But more, I think, because I had a perverse pleasure in doing myself down and feeling sorry for myself!  And a belief that there was someone out there who was going to bounce over the horizon and do all the doing for me! So the best thing was to rely on that rather than do anything myself!!

Talking myself out of ideas took a lot of energy and determination!  Whilst creating fun futures didn’t!  A lesson to be learnt there!!

Don’t get me wrong it doesn’t hurt to question. But (and a good but in this case!) It does hurt to destroy.  I was, for a time, a good destroyer.

I’ve been having a potter round the blogs I follow and take an interest in!  There are those who are going through similar very traumatic breakups.  Some fairly new, some not.  Some people are doing better than others at focusing on their futures.  These things can take time.

Or maybe they don’t!

Personally I don’t believe telling people to “Let go” or “Move on” or “Stop thinking of the past”  is very helpful as presumably they would have already done it if they knew how!  Actually guiding people to new futures is what helps.  How we all achieve that is a very personal thing.  Some will surf the internet and get all they feel they need from there, some will talk it out in the pub with their friends  – who will by and large probably only give them advice from their own perspective (which usually means they’re talking about their own issues from their own map of the world – which isn’t yours!).  Some will do as I did and seek professional help.

A case of each to his own!

All I know is I discovered that change can be amazingly fast!  In many cases not a case of weeks, more a case of days or even hours or even minutes!

Perhaps the tough bit is taking the steps to trust the process.  To give oneself the freedom to explore and accept that there are other choices and allowing ourselves to take those choices on board and to find out what happens if we do.  After all no-one can make anyone change!  That desire and willingness has to come from within.

But  what actually happens if we don’t.   If we don’t we can continue to attempt to “Not think of a red telephone”  (Not my quote – but a brilliant concept). We can continue doggedly to  hang on to our own personal  roundabout and hope that someone somewhere will eventually drag us off.  We can continue to hope we will feel differently tomorrow and all the other myriad of daydreams that we are all capable of creating.

However,  it’s down to each of us to jump.  And jumping once you’ve talked yourself into doing so is only a matter of a split second.

A year makes all the difference!

A year ago (just about) I went out on a date.  I had  lots of expectations – all of which were dashed!  The individual a “Mr Friday” if I recall was not blessed with many social graces! (click to find out!).  I’ve seen the funny side of the encounter ever since  – but dates since then have been thin on the ground.  In fact, dear reader, non-existent!

Well enough is enough!  I logged on to one of the sites I seem to be subscribed to and decided to be a bit more pro-active.  I emailed a few ‘likely’ men and one has replied.  We exchanged a few messages at the weekend and spoke on the phone on Sunday evening.  We may meet next weekend!  During the day this time!

I have to say I’m not that convinced about this particular specimen of the human race as he hasn’t bothered to message me since our phone call since Sunday and as I was the one that phoned him (I’m not releasing my phone no. just to any stranger!) I’m not that impressed!

So whereas a year ago my expectations were high and I so wanted the whole thing to pan out brilliantly, now, a year later, I find I’m just mildly curious to meet this man.  If he’s nice I may like to see him again.  I’ll see!

What I seem to have finally got rid of is carrying around all my ‘baggage’ from my divorce.  Yes I still miss Alex (rather more than I’d wish)  but I have a new confidence in me that’s saying  I’m fine on my own until the right person turns up.

I’m probably not putting this very well.  But I know what I mean.  It’s sort of feeling more in charge of me and a feeling that I don’t need to be reliant on anyone else to make me feel safe any more.  I can do that for myself.

Yes, I still feel lonely and I really don’t like being on my own but I can wait and it’s OK.

How Time is to me

I visualise time.

I see the early 20th century as a place far behind me, slightly to the right and way below where I am now.  The century travels upwards along a path. Sometimes there are stairs; sometimes just a path. Events happen to the left, right and along the path.

I visualise the time before I was born as way below me. A place my parents had to climb  up from to  reach the day when I arrived.

The path isn’t straight.  It meanders over to the left and back to the right. But always behind.

My childhood is captured in my mind’s eye  by a myriad of images; some still; some moving.  My parents, my brothers, my friends, my schools, college, my first job and so on.  On upwards goes the path.  I can turn and look back and see it there behind  and below me.  I can hear my parents’ voices; my school song.  Fleeting clips which are all part of me.  I can hear my father playing the piano.

I can smell my mother’s perfume.  I can smell the smell of the burned out wreck of our house the day after it was consumed by fire in 1982.

I can feel various moments which were special.  The thrill of going solo in a glider. Moments of giggles with some member of the family…….   Lots

The change of the century triggered a flat piece of road.  How interesting!  But the road ceases to climb very steeply. More of a shallow incline, if at all.  It runs through various landscapes.  Mostly captured through the amazing holidays Alex and I had. But it definitely doesn’t climb!. It is however, filled with lots of sunshine.  And a feeling of incredible peace but also occasional insecurity.

Then came the crash and I was pitchforked into my Chilean Mine.  And yes my time path does take a run downhill.  Into the dark.  I can actually see me in the dark. Lost.  My journey out is diaried here in great detail!  All I know is that how I see it now is me moving through many dark passageways but always being led by someone in front with a candle or torch  lighting the way and guiding me away from the dead-ends towards the exit – and always climbing. Always encouraging me to climb, almost forcing me on.   Out into a certain amount of light and then a big climb to where I am now. My past catching at my heels.

Strange!

I’ve no idea what triggered this post today. Something did!