It’s served its purpose

For several weeks now I’ve been pondering as to whether my blog has run its course.  It’s served its purpose and maybe it’s time to let it rest.

I don’t know. 

I never expected it to be so therapeutic.  I never expected to get the readership it has.  Wonderful people who I have empathised with and who have supported, encouraged, cajoled and nurtured me.  It has been humbling and amazingly touching.  You have been the people I shared every twist and turn of emotion with.  To whom I’ve bared my soul as I’ve searched for answers, faced things that I didn’t know I needed to face,   as I hunted for my route back to happiness.

I owe all of you a massive debt of gratitude.  Without meeting most of you I’ve nonetheless come to feel I know you all so well.

We’ve had fun along the way. You’ve made me smile and laugh. You’ve cheered me on when all I could do is weep!   I look back on the great discussions that took place here.  The fact that although we’ve had differences of opinion we have respected those opinions and chosen the words we have written with great respect for each other.  Thank you.

I owe a massive debt of gratitude to Stephen my life coach who gave so much of his time freely, either here on this blog or in the copious number of emails, texts and telephone calls.  I believe knowing about this blog helped him coach me because he could watch my mood swings and was able to (and did) pick up when I wobbled.  His incredible dedication and support to his clients is amazing.

Without him and the type of coaching he provided I would never have found my new direction in life.  One I am increasingly excited about and one which I know will meet my values head-on.

Yes I am now flying – sometimes I soar.  I don’t want this blog to pull me back.  It is in danger of being an anchor still linking me to the ground!    I’m not sure why.  It is what it is.

I am not going to disappear into the ether. I shall continue to follow all your blogs.  Try stopping me!!  I shall continue to comment when I feel I have something constructive, funny or amusing to say.  Or I feel I can be a valuable support.  But for now I don’t see me posting here.  I could be wrong. 

As it stands right now it has mapped my route from near suicide to the place of happiness I’m now in.  One I would have reached a lot earlier had Alex not dithered about coming back and fed me confusing messages on how he felt. But it was the way it was.  For me my space here now has a feeling of completeness.  (Feel free to disagree dear reader!)

I have a sister blog to this one which I’m considering activating.  One which is free of the angst of my past.  One which could be there for fun, silly stories and the new me.  I’m thinking about it!!  I do like writing so maybe that will be my answer!

So, for now,  a massive number of hugs to you all.  My special blogland friends.  You have inspired me and been there for me and for that I can’t find words to express how touched I’ve been.

This is how I see it today.

Tomorrow everything could be different…………………………!!

Caroline
xxxx

Rubbish in, Rubbish Out!

Many, many years ago when I was training as a computer programmer we were constantly reminded of this phrase!  Don’t blame the systems!  If you programme rubbish, rubbish is what you’ll get back!

Applies to life though doesn’t it!!

I will admit I’ve been sneakily feeding myself some rubbish recently!  Not, I hasten to add, with reference to my Life Coaching Goal in that I’m totally committed to the training and thoroughly enjoying learning!!

But more to do with me, my belief in myself and my wish to have a new relationship, succeed in giving myself a stunning new life, in being really happy and being financially secure!!

I was having moments of doubt, so feeding myself more rubbish!  And rubbish is what I’ve been getting back!!

I’ve NOT been doing a great many things!

I’ve not been entering photos in the camera club competitions – so not getting any points – so deciding I’m no good!!

I’ve not been hunting down any dates on the 2 internet dating sites I’m on so have decided no-one wants to meet me

There’s more – but I’ll spare you, dear reader!!

The ever watchful Stephen has been keeping a weather eye on my blog and suggesting I might care to give myself better chances!!  He is, of course, (and slightly irritatingly!!) quite right!

Today’s blog post from him is a timely reminderAnd I really do urge you all to read it. It’s very important – especially to any one, like me, who wants more than they’ve currently got in any area of their life.

I’m sure I’m not alone in feeding myself ‘rubbish’.  I believe hope even really successful people have moments of inflicting themselves with these negative perceptions.  I just hope that the difference is that the successful people spot the signs fast and then take positive action.  And as I’m determined to be successful I need to join that group and take action fast!

So all I would say, dear reader, if you’ve reached this paragraph, is to remember the adage “Rubbish in, rubbish out”  and do the opposite!!

What do you think?

And like all good exam questions I’d now like you to

DISCUSS!!!

Growth with a capital G

Growth – currently my second most important Value. After Love!  Though whether this is the right way round or not I still ponder over!!

Anyway when your Values are in order and you’re living by them then Growth happens.  Or it should do, I think!  Personal Growth.  Spiritual Growth (and by that I don’t mean Religious – well for me it doesn’t).   It means Growth within oneself!

Humans need Growth I believe or life becomes stale.  I believe Relationships need to Grow to remain passionate – which I presume is what those in relationships want!  And those of us not in relationships quite fancy!

I nearly missed out on Growth this week!  In fact if I’m brutally honest (which I usually am here) I probably wasn’t the best I could have been with my “hanging on to Significance, Cordiality and Fairness” brothers!  But at the 11th hour – thanks to some Strategic Intervention – I rescued Growth and it’s given me a little buzz and tingle in my tummy!!  (OK  that sounds as though I’ve finally flipped – but that’s where the feeling is!! – and no raised eyebrow suggestions please!!!)

Sometimes to experience Growth perhaps one needs to do something which initially feels totally alien. Which I might add it did!

But climbing out of the “communal playpen of cross 2 year olds” was quite empowering!  Slightly expensive!  But nonetheless empowering!

What have I Learnt!

Always good to review something once the heat’s died down!!

As Stephen has just commented on my previous post – what you fear is what you get.  Or to put it another way – what you focus on is what you get.

H is up to his eyeballs in resentment (for me!) and lots of other stuff within himself – probably created from childhood.  I often wonder if it started when I was born.  There are 2 years between us.  So suddenly there I was – competition for attention from Mum and Dad! I’ve read that a two year age gap can be difficult.  The older child is just old enough to appreciate the new arrival but too young to understand that it won’t affect the love he gets from his parents.  He just sees it as an intrusion into his world.

Anyway instead of focusing on love he focused on Fairness (something that has been eating away at him for years and years).  From the moment he approached the subject of this ‘dreaded Agreement’ it was clear in his voice over the phone that part of him wasn’t totally at ease with what he was doing.  He had already assumed I wouldn’t like what he was going to say – I could hear it in the tone of his voice.  And so he got exactly what he asked for – I dug in.  And I dug in for quite a few days!  But I didn’t get angry!  Which was even more annoying.  I just stuck to the document we’d all signed.

So he ranted and fired emails at me saying if he’d thought the Agreement was going to stay in place until all 3 properties sold, never mind how long that took, he never would have signed it!!   Difficult that one.  That’s what he signed up to!!

What then took him totally by surprise is that I gave him an act of love.  I told him I loved him.  I also asked him why he resented me so much. I gave him examples of this resentment (painful for him – but he hasn’t denied them!).  I asked him what had I done to trigger this in him?  I asked him what Fairness meant to him.  Of course none of this did he understand!  I would have been surprised if he had.  What I hope though is that somewhere in the deep recesses of his pain I may have triggered some doubt.  A possibility that he could be better than he is.

He retaliated by accusing me of ” alienating him with Emotional Blackmail” and various other fairly unpleasant remarks.  Hanging on for grim death to convincing himself he was right!  I continued to give him love.

Then along comes C. Wading in with remarks of Charity and Cordiality and horror that I should be seeing such pain in H and suggesting H get help so he would love himself! How dare I!!

So I bowed out.  And I signed off with Love.

I wonder why the 3 of us had Significance as our top value. It was mine for so long – until I dug! (thanks Stephen for providing the spade!)

All I remember from our parents was masses of love.  But C said to me once that he was always made to feel like the baby of the family – I think by H.  So maybe  H has had massive control over both of his siblings.  No wonder C ran to another part of the country!  The good side is that C has been amazingly successful in his business career – maybe partly fired by his desire to prove H wrong!  The sad side is that under pressure he doesn’t bring love to the top – he resorts to being very business like and cold and he brings Fairness!

Focusing on the wrong thing they’ve got the wrong thing.  Yes they have their small crumb of financial comfort.  If the property sells within the next year they will each have saved themselves £4K maximum!  So important on an overall inheritance of much much more than that!! .  But by focusing on their fears  and then feeding themselves their ‘proof’ of this they have both confirmed in their minds that I’m the money grabbing person that H decided decades ago I was!!  But then they’re faced with a problem!  I’ve bowed out of the legally binding agreement we set up together in good faith!!  Oops!!  Proof has gone.

So I’ve learnt that under pressure (and the pressure was incredible) to stick to my top Value of Love and that by giving myself Love I can walk away from this with my head held high.  I nearly didn’t.  I nearly failed.  I needed a nudge to remind me of my Values.

But since making the decision (and coming to terms with it!) I’ve slept better!!  A sure sign my Values are in line and I’m happy with my decision.

The sad thing is that there is no way either of my siblings will understand this.  They will convince themselves that they were the ones to ‘make me see sense’,  that they were right and I was wrong and that they’ve saved me from being greedy and money grabbing!  So feeding their fears!  And remaining Stuck in a place with no growth.

Can Values get distorted?

Can Values get distorted?

The debacle of the last few days has got me thinking!

This time last year Stephen asked me to write down my list of my top 50 Values! Wow! I panicked! I downloaded a list from the Internet! (I bet most people do this!). From this list of a couple of hundred or so I deleted all those that didn’t ‘do it’ for me. I was then asked to put these in order! Another interesting piece of homework. What is fascinating in all this is that Fairness never got into my top 50! Let alone the Top 10! Why? That’s what I’ve been pondering!

Well I think it’s because to me Fairness is intrinsic to meeting my Values of Love and Generosity (both of which I value highly). So actually for me Fairness doesn’t have to appear in my list. My other Values are too strong to need it. In fact resorting to Fairness only happens (for me) if the values of Love and Generosity are absent. Yet for my 2 brothers Fairness took them over. It’s become their obsession. So much so that the good values of love and trust, not to mention generosity have fallen by the way side. Like 2 small children in a playground they don’t want anything that isn’t Fair. Gosh I so nearly got sucked into their “game”.

So what got into them? Well I think it was driven by H. H has huge issues and I think they go back a long way. Years ago. when our parents were alive he was always trying to find out if I was getting what he considered preferential treatment. Whether I was getting some hidden ‘deal’ from them that he hadn’t had. He would check up on me and them by asking questions and expecting answers to things which were none of his business!

His biggest resentment was when Alex and I bought the flat thus owning a part of the parental property. We did it so cash could be released which they desperately needed. It also meant we ended up being the ones on hand to do the caring – which we did! But H wanted to be the one to do the bailout. He told me as much!! Significance is very important to him.

His resentment even stretched to Alex and I spending money on our holidays. He told me we shouldn’t be able to afford to go to the places we did! So he would try and scupper things when he and I had to share the caring of our Dad in the last years of his life, by attempting to organise his holidays at the same time as us!

Stories and incidents like these are too numerous to mention here. And the more I look at it the more horrified and saddened I am that he’s ended up in this place where resentment seems to be consuming him. I wonder what the trigger was.

And sadly his influence has infiltrated and coloured and affected what could have been a loving and fun time sorting out our inheritance. Instead of where we are now!!

So my question is Can Values get distorted?  Can the wrong rule end up being applied? Or a rule which is un-winnable?

Wonderful Wisdom!

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Thank you Morning Wood for using this quote in your post today – It’s just what I needed to be reminded of today!  You have great wisdom!

Thank you also to Mature Student for her opus of a poem!  And well done Laughing Cow in France for taking a positive step and giving her blog a new positive name (and I’m bound to like the title as I suggested it!!)

As for me?  Well I’m bashing on with my reading.  Now deep into  ‘More Time to Think’ by Nancy Kline.  Her books are full to the brim of such sense and useful techniques for helping  clients to think things through and come up with inspirational thoughts.  I am learning a lot from her approach.

As you all know I feel I’ve learnt a lot from Stephen’s insight and coaching – and  I’m hopeful I can learn more!

So what now?  Well right now  I hope I have found my own inner wisdom and will be able to use it wisely and to the benefit of those around me, especially those I hope to coach (for their sakes!!)  and also for myself in those moments of uncertainty  when I question my ability, myself, my attractiveness and all those other things which can haunt us all!! (For me on the odd occasion when I still wake up in the middle of the night! – which is fortunately rare these days)

And what I’d like right now?  Well actually to be chatted up by a few exciting, attractive and available men!

But hey you can’t have everything in life!! And I’d have to put the books down if I kept going out!  Either that or take the books with me which might not give any of these mythical men  a feeling of being wanted!!