A year!

I’ve now been living in my little rented cottage for a year.  So much is different from the trauma of a year ago and yet some of it is the same!  I’ve gained readers here on my little blog. I’ve lost readers – those whose lives have changed for whatever reasons.

The way I write has changed!  The focus hasn’t though!

Do I still think about Alex?  Clearly yes or I wouldn’t pose the question.  Do I miss him?  Yes and No.  I’m honest.  No point in not being!

Anyway in honour of my year here in this wonderful little home.  This building which has somehow protected me these last 12 months when protection is what I needed.  Protection from myself as well as from the all the pain,  I’ve thrown together a rather bad attempt at a few poetic lines!!!

A year is so much more than the days it contains
A year passes fast and heals – though some sadness still remains.
A year moves us from where we were to this place of here and now
We blink, it happened. It’s surprising to question “How?”

So be careful, dear friend, the one who visits here
Time moves fast – soon it will be now again –  this time next year.
Although we wish what happened hadn’t been the way it was
We must grab time and use it – Not say “I can’t….because….”

The butterfly of hope

We think the path’s untrodden
That it’s new on every score
That no-one’s been through this horror
No-one’s been this way before

How could they have walked this pathway
And lived to tell the tale?
When what we’ve faced is pain so deep
To explain it is to fail.

For it envelops every atom
Every cell of who we are
It consumes our very beings
But leaves no sign or scar

Then one day the dawn is brighter
The horizon offers hope
The biting pain becomes an ache
We smile and start to cope

And slowly like a butterfly
From our chrysalis of pain
We see there is a future
A rainbow in the rain

To my friends who’ve walked this pathway
Let us meet when we are through…
with the pain that so consumed us,
As we start our lives anew.

We’ll raise a glass to us survivors
To the Sensations that we are
Because no-one knows like we do
Where we’ve come from and how far

Blowing away the clouds in my mind

There are days when the clouds all assemble
When I wonder what all this is for
When I need to constantly remember
Just to love me that little bit more.
To stick to the Values I hold closest
To the Rules that make them hold fast
To live by them and look to my future
Not to turn and look at my past.

There are days when the clouds all assemble
When the future looks barren and bleak
When being strong seems almost impossible
When it’s easier just to sink and be weak!
But when days like this come and strike me
And “Enjoy the journey” seems a life time away
I remember that my Dad always did it
He stuck to his rule every day.

So on the days when the clouds all assemble
And the struggle seems hard to endure
Remember to fight for what you believe in
To protect yourself that little bit more.
To allow yourself to be vulnerable –
For that’s part of  you  too –  so allowed
So bring in that part where Nothing’s a Problem
Smile – and go stand out in the Crowd!

(inspired  – in part – by today’s life coaching session!)

As usual – two hours of Stephen’s guidance has had a very beneficial effect on my state of mindthough I was marginally surprised by my wish to put a poetic take on it!

Stepping out of my comfort zone!

I appear to be having a poetic few days!  And I hope my LC finds this amusing and also understands I’m finding it all rather hard!!

(And a big thank you to Bye2 for her lovely toenail collage! xxx)

He asked me to be outrageous
To try out something new.
So I thought about it for sometime
And I painted my toenails blue!

He asked me to go and shop around
”Surprise a shop keeper or two”
But my obstinate streak just dug in hard.
So I painted my toenails blue.

He asked me to leave my comfort zone.
Not to care about others’ view.
But I found I got incredibly cross.
So I painted my toenails blue.

The reaction I had to these requests
Just grew and grew and grew
My mind’s just fought against them all.
So I painted my toenails blue.

I want to achieve the tasks he’s set
As I promised him I would do.
So to give me the confidence to carry them out
I’ve painted my toenails blue!(And I still haven’t done any of them!)

Eeyore days

(I appear to be suffering from too many long journeys to work!! – And I think I’d better change my reading matter!!)

Some days I feel like Eeyore,
And some days I feel like Tigger!
But one thing I’m clear about –
Is it’s me who controls the trigger.

So when I wake in an Eeyore mood
Feeling sad and rather fraught –
I need to change the process in my mind
And remember what Stephen’s taught.

Some days I feel like Pooh Bear
Keen for adventure in my day
But I need the wisdom Owl has
To guide me along the way.

I’d love to trap the heffalumps
Which keep tripping up my mind
And find a pal to walk with me
Who is true and fun and kind

But really what I truly want
Is to be the real me
And have  a “Christopher Robin”
To love and care for me!

With him I’ll have adventures
Courageous Trips to far flung parts
We’ll walk those wondrous desert paths
And follow just our hearts.

And when each day is over
And we’re exhausted and well fed –
He’ll gently take me by the hand
And take me off to bed!

(So I hope I shrug off my Eeyore mood of the last 2 days and have a Tigger weekend – and I hope you, my dear readers, have a Tigger weekend too!)

Morning walk. Observations & Random Musings (amended)

Out early on my lakeside walk
In silence. Alone. No need to talk.

Reed bunting flitting by the shore.
(I may be content – but I want more).

Last year’s bulrushes turned to fluff
(Must let go of sadness – I’ve had enough).

Solitary daffodil.  In stark yellow.
Passing dog walkers. Nod-smile, hello.

Ferns burgeoning on the bank
(I should be more grateful. I’ve a lot to thank).

Chiffchaffs returned from their winter home
(I am myself.  Please  not long alone).

Pussy willow, fluffy on the bough.
(I must start living the here and now).

No sign of the blackcaps for me so far.
(Love is loving his inappropriate car)!

Heron stands on guard looking proud
(We’ve lost so much, I cry out loud).

Moorhens hunting for things to eat.
(I’m NOT the failure.  I didn’t cheat).

Nest building of many shapes; designs.
(Lust entwines but love combines).

Courting grebes make a wonderful sight.
(No sex – again  – for me last night).

Protective swan gives a warning hiss.
(It’s that abandonment in passion that I so miss).

Sand Martins fly and swoop to feed.
(Maybe a vibrator’s what I need!)

Waterfowl – each nest-building slave
(Talking, sharing is what I crave).

The cacophony of bird song – what a din
(True happiness comes from within)

Geese take off into a sunlit sky
(Ground level’s not enough – I need to fly!)

So as I walk the mile on mile
I hope this post has made you smile!

And if it did please tick the like box – and also feel free to comment!