It’s served its purpose

For several weeks now I’ve been pondering as to whether my blog has run its course.  It’s served its purpose and maybe it’s time to let it rest.

I don’t know. 

I never expected it to be so therapeutic.  I never expected to get the readership it has.  Wonderful people who I have empathised with and who have supported, encouraged, cajoled and nurtured me.  It has been humbling and amazingly touching.  You have been the people I shared every twist and turn of emotion with.  To whom I’ve bared my soul as I’ve searched for answers, faced things that I didn’t know I needed to face,   as I hunted for my route back to happiness.

I owe all of you a massive debt of gratitude.  Without meeting most of you I’ve nonetheless come to feel I know you all so well.

We’ve had fun along the way. You’ve made me smile and laugh. You’ve cheered me on when all I could do is weep!   I look back on the great discussions that took place here.  The fact that although we’ve had differences of opinion we have respected those opinions and chosen the words we have written with great respect for each other.  Thank you.

I owe a massive debt of gratitude to Stephen my life coach who gave so much of his time freely, either here on this blog or in the copious number of emails, texts and telephone calls.  I believe knowing about this blog helped him coach me because he could watch my mood swings and was able to (and did) pick up when I wobbled.  His incredible dedication and support to his clients is amazing.

Without him and the type of coaching he provided I would never have found my new direction in life.  One I am increasingly excited about and one which I know will meet my values head-on.

Yes I am now flying – sometimes I soar.  I don’t want this blog to pull me back.  It is in danger of being an anchor still linking me to the ground!    I’m not sure why.  It is what it is.

I am not going to disappear into the ether. I shall continue to follow all your blogs.  Try stopping me!!  I shall continue to comment when I feel I have something constructive, funny or amusing to say.  Or I feel I can be a valuable support.  But for now I don’t see me posting here.  I could be wrong. 

As it stands right now it has mapped my route from near suicide to the place of happiness I’m now in.  One I would have reached a lot earlier had Alex not dithered about coming back and fed me confusing messages on how he felt. But it was the way it was.  For me my space here now has a feeling of completeness.  (Feel free to disagree dear reader!)

I have a sister blog to this one which I’m considering activating.  One which is free of the angst of my past.  One which could be there for fun, silly stories and the new me.  I’m thinking about it!!  I do like writing so maybe that will be my answer!

So, for now,  a massive number of hugs to you all.  My special blogland friends.  You have inspired me and been there for me and for that I can’t find words to express how touched I’ve been.

This is how I see it today.

Tomorrow everything could be different…………………………!!

Caroline
xxxx

Enjoyment

“Enjoyment appears at the boundary between boredom and anxiety, when the challenges are just balanced with the person’s capacity to act”  – Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi – Flow

So with that in mind I’ve been considering how often I get bored and why!

I am – mostly – bored with my job.  I haven’t been over the last month or so as I’ve been busy programming a system which has stretched my skills sufficiently within my capacity to act but not to the point where I couldn’t solve the problems – hence I experienced a fair amount of enjoyment!

I enjoy coaching. When I coach I experience Flow.  I become completely absorbed in what I’m doing and the client in front of me.  To see a client have a breakthrough moment – never mind how small – gives me great enjoyment in seeing their pleasure in achieving something for themselves which they didn’t feel was possible.  Even when they don’t always ‘get it’ right away I get pleasure in helping them consider possibilities which they’d never thought of.

Carrying out a task can cease to be enjoyable when my capacity to act is thwarted either by my own inability or skill – whatever.

I am experiencing this in no small degree over my website!   My inability to configure and customise the pages the way I want them has dumbfounded me and left me frustrated and – I will admit – rather cross.  And since the only person I can get cross with is me, this has not been an enjoyable experience!!  And has left me fairly anxious.  I don’t enjoy ‘half-measures’!

My inability to ‘market’ myself is also rather irritating!  Much to my surprise I don’t seem able to sell myself!   So clearly I must now retrace my steps, reconsider this aspect of my goal and find a route which achieves what I want to achieve.  There is no point in ‘banging my head against a brick wall’!

Then there is the house-hunting!  Initially I found this boring, then I became anxious!  A happy medium is what I required.  Friends are taking up my cause – wow it’s lovely to know they are there. So great not to be doing this on my own.  I am feeling valued and supported which is great.  And actually having their support has now made the activity far more enjoyable!

I am not alone, I don’t have to do deal with all the issues of life alone.  People are available and often want to help!

And all help is welcome and enjoyable.

It’s great letting them into one’s life!

If you stop you’ll get rammed……

My journey to work this morning started calmly!  The sun was shining (a bonus), I was doing a reasonable speed in the slow lane of the motorway. I was listening to some gentle music of the classical variety.  I was at peace with the world.

Those on my side of the motorway were doing the decent thing and all travelling in the same direction………………..

Except for ONE!

All of a sudden the very large 4×4 in the middle lane next to me realised that he was fast approaching a car that wasn’t going anywhere.  It wasn’t moving…….  AT ALL!  There was no traffic jam – no this car was just ‘parked’ in the middle lane with no brake-lights, warnings or hazard lights explaining its predicament.

Now approaching a solid stationary object when you’re doing over 70 mph means everything is going to happen rather fast.

The 4×4 braked and swerved violently into my lane, rocking somewhat precariously into my path …….

I braked and swerved into the hard-shoulder (emergency lane)……..

We all missed each other!

I’m not too sure how! 

There could have been utter carnage. 

There wasn’t!  Thank goodness

The 4×4 and I continued our journeys – rather shakily…..

So my suggestion for today to my reader is –  if you’re going in a forwards direction and feel in need of recouping your resources choose a sensible place to do so and inform others of your intentions, because if you suddenly stop in the wrong place you’ll end up getting rammed…….  sooner or later!

Good morning world. 

I’m still here!! 

 

Did I jump?

Good question. 

No not yet!  But I’m preparing my launching pad so I can!  I can be rather impetuous!  Once I’ve made my mind up to do something I can zoom off at high speed.  I very nearly did last week.  Sensibly my financial advisor put some brakes on! 

Firstly I need to meet the 1st basic Human Need  – Certainty.  This got rather derailed last week as my living arrangement has become rather precarious.  I need to get this sorted out so at least I have a base which is mine and I can rely on. 

To plunge off into giving myself any more uncertainty than I have just now would not be a good move!  That being said I have some ideas for a business venture!!  I just need someone who is interested to go into it with me.  It could fulfil two other needs at once – Uncertainty and Contribution.  Actually it would also meet Significance and Growth too!  Wow!!

So I’m on the hunt for a business partner who can see the potential of my idea as well.

It needs some careful planning, but I think it might have possibilities!!

More I’m not saying…………..  for now!!

Suddenly I see – reblogged

For the second time today I’ve been reminded about how tenuous life can be. The first, this morning, at a house I was viewing and which I might buy. The owner was packing up and moving herself and her 3 small children north to be near her parents after her young husband had a massive stroke which has left him locked in a closed world and hospitalised. Her cheerful determination was an inspiration.

I then read this.
The music is wonderful. The words so clearly and beautifully said.

jacquelinehanginginthere

I have a wee request.  Please may I ask that before you read these very special words that you click on the music link below and listen as you read.

I attended a funeral today.  The lady I share an office with now faces life without her man. Yes he had been ill, but it was tragic and all of us in the office shared the feeling that this was not his time. No one was ready for this.

Every death is tragic. My friend and her two young daughters did what we expected them to do. They pulled together and sent a beloved husband and father off with a service that was a very personal tribute to the man they loved.

Arriving at the church it became evident that there was no more room – the church was full. A measure of the man whose life we had gathered…

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