Conviction to Contentment

Conviction

In the beginning, three years ago, as Alex went into his emotional meltdown I was convinced, with every fibre of my body, that we would pull through as a couple and be stronger as a result.  People said so.  Whoever “people” were.  I couldn’t and wouldn’t believe that any other outcome was remotely possible.  I stuck to my belief through every turn of emotion, every turn in his behaviour.  I didn’t get angry, I did what I believed I had to do.  I believed in the Us.

We failed to get help.

Confusion

As the months turned into the first year of our separation and the divorce papers had begun to ricochet between our respective solicitors, as I dealt with the death of my father and faced, but couldn’t accept being alone, it slowly dawned on me that Alex appeared to be stuck in a permanent meltdown. I didn’t know what to do. I vacillated between hope and despair.  The mixed messages I got from him made no sense.  Claiming to care and yet unable to leave the OW.

Finally I started this blog and that release also provided me with the realisation that I had to get help.  For us.  For me. For my sanity. And to stop me swallowing too many sleeping pills.  I was lost and very, very stuck

I got help.

We got help.  From the same source though never together.

We headed for a possible re-discovery of our mutual love.  Of what we had had when we married – or even more.  Of something which could have been even better.  We nearly embarked on that route.  But not quite.

Clarity

The route to my clarity is documented in very honest, thorough (!) detail in this blog. It’s long, it deviates, but for those wanting to know it’s here for you all to read.

With that clarity has come a profound understanding. That until and if (and this is a big IF) Alex chooses to understand and ‘find’ himself then any relationship either with me or anyone else will not give him the life he could have.  The one I believe he is searching for.  This sounds very arrogant of me but it is said from a position of total unconditional love for him.  Love that will never die but a love for him that has finally given me a freedom that I didn’t think was possible.

Knowing that I love him unconditionally and that I can do absolutely nothing about it.

I may feel sad.  But I no longer rage against it. I know longer feel trapped by it.   I feel liberated and free to live my life.

Curiosity

Sparked this weekend by reading a profoundly honest and emotional book:

“Surprised by Love”  by Dr Jay and Julie Kent-Ferraro.

A book about infidelity and betrayal. The destruction of a marriage and the route back together.  A route that has given them both a deeper, stronger and rock-solid bond.

A book I would recommend you read, dear reader.

I have been deeply moved by this book.  Curious?  Why?  Come on !!  Clearly because I shall always wonder what might have been!  Also shaken to the core as so much of what they have written resonates with my own situation!  Minus, of course, of the outcome they achieved!

I hope others are curious.  If so get a copy – it’s worth it.  Especially for those rebuilding trust in their relationships.

Contentment

I’m working on this one.

I no longer get those moments of shear panic.

I get moments of feeling scared but I’ve learnt how to change state when these happen.

Yes, as I’ve said, I feel free.  Free of the clawing, suffocation of not believing in myself.

I am content with being me.  And that is one helluva step from where I was before my marriage collapsed!

Now, maybe at last, I’m ready to create a new life for myself and meet someone who can be as honest with themselves as I’ve learnt to be about being me.

 

I’m fed up with….

Receiving Christmas cards addressed to us both and all from Alex’s friends!

I made sure all my friends  knew last year before they had the chance to send out their cards.

Clearly Alex either can’t be bothered to let his friends know or doesn’t want to admit he has screwed up his marriage, cheated, behaved appallingly, committed adultery  and gone off with a woman who most of the world would be terrified of.

Hi everyone I’m angry this evening.  So much so I rang the senders of one of the cards and told them what had happened.

Yet again – the same reaction – they were stunned:  So unlike Alex…..  Alex of all people……….  Everyone says the same.

But there we are. It is the way it is.

Well I suppose a healthy dose of anger is good from time to time!!

And I’m being pursued and haunted by my past which I am not enjoying.  It’s making me very tearful and I have mixed feelings about Wednesday when I have my weekly Life Coaching Session – though I know I have to go through all this.  It all seems so intensely personal and private  – but  now that it’s come to the surface from the place I buried it deep deep down, I can’t seem to think of much else.

And Alex should be here to help me through all this.

Oops – anger going and feeling sorry for myself taking over!!  Not good!!

The only way is up!!!  And I am already at ground level – out of my Chilean Mine – even if I did bring all the garbage up with me – but then it seems I had to!!