Actions to meet my needs and values

Hello dear reader.  I’ve been a bit quiet these last few days – mainly as I’ve been struck down with a cold which rather overwhelmed me!

Anyway I surfaced in time for my now fortnightly life coaching session!

And a  session of Life Coaching works wonders on focusing my mind.

A very pleasant 2 hours today.  Good discussion.  It’s great now I feel so much more relaxed as I can now absorb ideas as I discuss.  I’m finding it easier as I understand more and am less fearful.

All I need to do now is ‘fill the gaps’ and, for me,  these centre round:  Relationships, Adventure and  Giving.

So I’ve been asked to create a 3 month plan of action.

So far I have:

Relationships:
1. Change internet dating sites as I’m not getting any contacts from the ones I’m on at the moment.
2.  Go along to a few singles clubs

Adventure:
Find some causes I believe in and maybe plan some trips.
(I’ve come to realise I don’t have to travel to give myself adventure!  I got loads of adventure last weekend in my local town with the parade!  So if I can get it there then I can get in anywhere!)

Giving:
Give in small ways every day!

Anyway more to come so:

Watch this space!

July should mean travel!

For a large part of my married life July meant travel.  We would either beat a path to the airport and vanish off for at least three weeks or more into the depths of Southern Africa with only minimal personal luggage but masses of light-weight camping gear, or make for the ferry and head for France – usually with the car packed with every comfort!

I have waxed lyrical about our travels through Namibia and Botswana before.  But gosh how I miss that sense of adventure.  The feeling of travelling into the unknown with the man who became who he wanted to be as soon as we escaped the UK.  It was like a switch in both of us!!  He became the protector and carer and I responded by being the feminine me I love being!  It worked like magic!  And I don’t care what he says now.  He blossomed and grew when we were away.  He denies it now.  Of course he does – not to would be in conflict with what he has done.  Easier to bury any happiness and convince himself it wasn’t that good.  His new version of what we had and what we did is easier to face than anything else. But then I suppose all cheaters and runners do that.

And ‘runners’ do.  Be they male or female!  Then, so often,  they write books about it and convince themselves that their quest for Free Love, Wild Love etc was all about finding themselves and how wonderful it now is.  Interestingly so many of these so called ‘self-help’ books involve a dash to a new partner!  Strange that!!  What I find ‘dangerous’ about these books is that they manage to convince the waverer that the answer is in running.  They fail to mention that actually deep-down, the issues won’t have gone away because no one can run from themselves.

When Alex and I went on holiday we both ran into our true selves.  That’s not to say the rest of the time was one ghastly nightmare – it wasn’t.  It was good. But the time we both appeared to meet our true values head-on and give to each other all of the time was when we were safely away from home.  Pity he can’t see that!

So July is tough as it was so truly spectacular before!

Bushmen

Today’s daily challenge

Excellent challenge today from Daily Challenge:

Challenge:

Write a note from your future self to your current self, and describe what you’ve accomplished.

How to do it

Take a few moments to write yourself a quick note or email as if you-of-five-years-from-now were writing to you-of-today. Tell yourself about all of your accomplishments. Do you play a new instrument or have a special skill? Work a different job? Live in a new place?

My response:

How interesting! I am currently having Life Coaching sessions – to help me get through the breakdown of my marriage (not wanted by me) and divorce so this is a good challenge!

Dear me

I found a new confidence in me
I had lots of adventures (One of my top values)
I stuck to my values (Growth, love, courage, communication, intelligence, trust, adventure, significance….. ) and I got the future I wanted
I am outrageous when I want to be
I learnt to use different versions of me and different states to achieve and be the person I want to be
I found someone who I love and who I can trust and who respects and loves me

I am having the most splendid, fun and adventurous time!!

I did it – I survived and I am flying!!!!

When the trees close in

Stephen (my life coach) has written a very apt post today on his relationships blog.  One that describes so completely what I’ve been through.  I needn’t repeat it  – just click – his words are good!

Coming out of the dark place (my Chilean mine in my case)  has been disorientating!!

The larger landscape – my future – seemed to get lost.  Yes I’ve had moments of exceptional clarity.  My 6ft and 30seconds moment was incredible – and I do keep reminding myself of that step change.

But I felt as if I’ve been catapulted into a forest – with lots of lovely trees – but no path.  No route.

There is a mass of wisdom in the phrase “Can’t see the Wood for the Trees”.  Seeing the Wood – the bigger picture – the landscape – makes a massive difference.

My adventure – the one I want buckets of – may not involve too many trees (though the occasional forest is fun as the birdwatching can be more varied) – but sure as hell it involves a mass of deserts!

Salt pans

Because deserts are wonderful wide open spaces where you can see for miles.  Where the world opens up in front of you and the possibilities are endless, timeless and breathtaking.  Where you feel the power of the universe, you can see the stars in the night sky, unpolluted by lights on earth, where just standing and looking is the most humbling, magical experience, where my spirit soars and I forget who I am and why.  Where I just am.

To stand with someone and soak up the wonderment of the experience is just all encompassing and consuming.

Sunset at the salt pans on Kubu Island

If I hadn’t married Alex I would have missed all that and never known what really sets my soul on fire.  Where my spirit dances in the early morning sunrise and sings with the warmth of the day at sunset.  And for that I’m so glad I did.

I had forgotten.

I’m so glad I’ve been reminded.  Because now I remember what IS important to me and what I need to strive to re-capture – along with lots – no masses – of other, new adventures. (And I don’t need Alex to be there to get that buzz within me – because I create the buzz myself)

Adventure is what I lack

Yesterday I had a life coaching session.

This time in a different venue .  I found it a bit distracting as the surroundings are so beautiful and tranquil.  But I am becoming far more focused on the sessions.  Finally!!  I no longer want to abdicate – to look out of the window and avoid concentrating.  So I was quite cross with myself when my mind  wandered at one moment yesterday!!

I learnt why ‘the date on Friday’ didn’t work.  It didn’t ‘tick the boxes’ which meet my values.  It all starts with me.  Meeting mine – in any situation – is the start point.  The springboard into any situation.  I didn’t on Friday evening!

But I also learnt yesterday what’s missing in my life.  And it’s Adventure!

ASW15

I got that in spades when I used to go gliding.  Of course I did – most of the time I was getting a huge adrenalin rush (Actually on numerous occasions I was just plain scared!! – Sitting in a glider all on your own at 18,000ft with the clouds closing in beneath you and the possibility of hitting the ground before you can see it, when you come down to land is somewhat scary!!).  I was hitting my values fair and square.  After all Success was achieved every time I got back on the ground safely!!

Kuiseb Canyon - Homeb

When I was with Alex I also got Adventure in spades when we went to the amazing places he took me to.  Deep into the Kalahari and Namib deserts – camping in the middle of nowhere, on our own. Driving those 100s of miles along desert tracks in Namibia and Botswana – with no one else in sight.  Amazing, spine-tingling experiences.  And that’s what I miss.  That’s what’s been so hard to accept. That this man who experienced all those incredible moments with me should decide that he no longer wanted to do any more of them with me – despite his passion for those adventures and the shared experience and memories we have.  That having spent all those times together he could just walk away as if none of that happened. What happened to that man?  Where did he ‘go’?

I thought a great deal about that last night.  Sad.  So sad.

So Life Coaching was enlightening yesterday.  But also tough.  I had a lot to think about and take in.  And think I did, as I drove home.

I wonder if an indicator of how much I really pay attention and work at what I want to achieve is feeling completely exhausted afterwards.  I got home feeling completely drained and worn out.  I could hardly keep awake.  So my Saturday evening was not exactly exciting.  Very down, very tired, very thoughtful.

I went to bed very early.

So having discovered what I am lacking.  I now need to put that right!  Sitting around mourning the change in my circumstances isn’t exactly adventurous!

I can do it!  I achieved  a moment of adventure last year when I went on a Tiger Watching holiday in India.  But I need more.  Much more!  So I need to develop an action plan which gives me the buzz I now recognise I’m lacking in life!  Maybe it’s a return to the gliding.  Who knows.  Yes the photography is great, it gives me a buzz when I take a good photo so it is very important to me and one which I really want to get much better at.  Going to French conversation is also good.  But I need adventure as well.  Not all the time – far too exhausting! Just some of the time!!

So I have updated my Internet Dating profile to reflect what I want.  Hopefully I have now excluded those ‘possible suitors’ whose only  idea of a great holiday is in some over-the-top luxury hotel which could be anywhere, as they won’t feel I’m the one for them.  Whereas someone who loves to ‘rough it’ in the middle of some remote spot in the middle of nowhere will think I might be!!

Because I need some adventure!  (and maybe, just maybe, if I get a bit more adventure – I’ll get a bit more sleep and not be bouncing around at 4.30am when everyone else is  in the land of nod!!!)