I thought I was in control of me!

I’d done so well today.  A bit of shopping.  A bit of pampering.  Even a short bike ride in the sun – OK only a mile – but I have to start somewhere and I certainly now realise how unfit I’ve become over this last year of no exercise!  I even found pumping up the tyres hard work – and as for cycling up a slight hill……  Well clearly a great deal more exercise is needed!!

Anyway just as I thought I had my emotions under control. That I was on the up. What happens but I get a card from Alex.  I was expecting a cheque but not the card.  And not the message:

“I wanted to write to say that I do want you to be happy and successful and I’m very sorry for all the distress I’ve caused – Love Alex”

My initial reaction was floods of tears!

So much for my “Alexometer” settling – as it has done over the last week or so – at the bottom of the scale.  Of course it shot back up to 8/9 !  Brilliant!

It doesn’t take a lot to make me wobble does it!

I need to keep busy.  Focused.  Forward looking.

Anger, contempt and rage

I don’t know where all this is coming from but I am getting very very angry.  I want to lash out at Alex.  I am fed up with being the understanding wife.

 I feel as though there’s a whole lot of resentment, contempt, anger, rage, fury bubbling to the surface of my mind and I want to really really hurt him.  Hurt him as he hurt me.  How dare he treat me the way he has.

I want to have the most almighty blazing row with him. I’d even like to hit him.   I want him to shout back.  I want him to yell. 

This isn’t a miserable feeling – no – it’s pure, white rage – which I’m holding back on.  And there’s absolutely no point at all in yelling and shouting at anyone else as that doesn’t get rid of the feeling.  I need to do it at him.  I need him to react – I want him to react.  To show some sort of strong emotion.  I want him to fight for what he believes in.  And yes I also know I want him to fight for what we had. What we had and more.  What we could have had.

I know I could march into my next LC session and shout at Stephen – he could probably engineer it so I do. But I don’t feel that’s the answer.  And if it was it would only be temporary.

You see all through this I have never really and truly got angry.  And I just feel I need to.  I don’t want revenge.  I just want to get some sort of spark out of Alex rather than this meek diffident attitude that he’s adopted throughout.  I don’t want pathetic “sorrys”,  I want some Passion. 

Maybe this is all part of my Stage 3 state.  Starting to climb my ‘mountain’.  All I can say is – boy do I feel angry.

And where does that leave the Alexometer today – well at about 4.00.

It’s either no sleep or dreadful dreams

My mind is being unkind!!

Either I don’t sleep – which is bad news OR

I dream – dreadful unsettling dreams – which is bad news!!  Great!  I so love night times!!

Last night I dreamt Alex and I were climbing a mountain through a forest.  Lots of trees in our way and the path was very wet and slippery. For some reason we parted at one point and then spent  a lot of time searching for each other.  Occasionally we met up (good grief this is bearing a great resemblance to reality!)  – but each time we did Alex kept telling me he’d been diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome (I have no idea where that came from – dreams can really be odd!) and so wasn’t capable of climbing the mountain or showing emotion.

This is all very well but I don’t exactly feel refreshed from a good night’s sleep.

And I am getting more excercise – I walked quite a bit in London on Saturday – OK I didn’t do much on Sunday but then it was freezing cold (that’s my excuse!).  OK , OK – I need to do more and get fitter – I do know that!  But I wasn’t going out cycling when it’s all icy – I sort of don’t need (or should that be “Kneed”) to do myself any more damage!

My Alexometer has been hovering around 2.00 – 3.00 for the last few days.  Which is OK.  It does go down on occasions when I just want to tell him to go to hell. 

And yes I will admit to a Sunday evening dip when  the Alexometer shot up briefly and I wished Alex was back – and no I don’t know what triggered it.  It just happened.

Alexometer reading!

Still dangerously high I’m afraid – it seems to be stuck firmly at 8.00-9.00 which isn’t good for my well-being!  So I wobble on!

I ended up having dinner with friends last night as I had to take a detour home (motorways are OK until someone decides to modify the central reservation!).  Lovely to see them BUT I wish people would stop saying:

“How lovely to have a new start”
“Great to see you Moving On”
“Now you can really Let Go”

Now – don’t get me wrong – in their shoes I have a shrewd suspicion I would be saying the same things – at least I would have done until I experienced this trauma!  Now – definitely not!  I just HATE those phrases!  And, bizarrely, all I want to do is dig in and do the opposite!  Which is just plain obstinate!  And not doing me any good at all!

It’s not as if I’m miserable – because I’m not really.  I just feel as if there’s a large gaping hole in my life which should be filled by Alex and isn’t.  But not the Alex of today who is living in ‘fearful’ mode  – but the one I married who made me laugh and who I thought would always be there for me – but clearly isn’t!

This is where I see both of us being at the moment:

Link

But then the rational me reminds me that:

a)  He’s cheated with the OW
b)  Shown me no respect
c)  Can’t discuss emotions or issues that really matter
d)  Has lied
e)  Has hurt me beyond anything I thought possible

So why in hell’s name would I want him back.  And that dear reader is the question to which I appear to have several different answers! And depending on the Alexometer reading I get a different answer each time!

Oops.  I have Life Coaching tomorrow so I’m in “trouble” now!!! (You see – dear reader – he reads this!!)

Well I’ve  just made me smile – so that can’t be bad!!

The Alexometer

Sorry – having a wobble moment.  The Alexometer has soared to a 9.00.

I apologise for this – dear reader – I lost control of it over the last 12 hours or so.  I will endeavour to do better and ‘pull myself together’.

It’s no good wishing.  The only hope is focusing on the future.  And making that future a fun place to be. 

Note to self:  Stop being so over flexible.  Stop thinking you can forgive him.  Stop wishing things were different. Stop caring.  In fact just STOP!  And now just START!  Start creating a fun fulled future.  Start laughing again. Start doing more things.  Start playing the piano (including working out the notes from middle C – as I can’t read music!).  Start taking more photos. 

Well I did well this morning by adding a good comment to AJ’s blog.  I even made him laugh!.

And thank you to all my visitors here.  I am hanging on to your comments at the moment.

Friday update

I am back at work today.  I appear to have survived the redundancy round which is good news (I think!).  Yes of course it is.  I need a salary right now!

I’ve got my headlight fixed.  I now know that BT (telecoms) will move my number to my new address next Thursday – which means I will have another week of no instant communication with the outside world!  But that does mean I can concentrate on getting my new home how I want it and I won’t be tempted away to sit and FB chat or blog!

So far I’ve tripped on  one set of stairs once (but then those that have read this blog know that stairs and me seem to fall out rather too often).  I’ve hit my head going into the loft room countless times (which given my height of 5’2″ is somewhat surprising – just as well I’m not taller!).

Apart from that I am quite liking it.  It’s a lovely quirky house on different levels.  I might even post a photo or two when I have got  it a lot tidier!

As to how I feel.  Drained, Numb and rather lonely still, and taking each day in small steps, or ‘baby steps’ as my LC said!

My Alexometer is hovering around 2.5-3.00.  I’d just love to be sharing this new house and experience with someone.

PS:  Thank you everyone for you lovely encouraging comments – you’ve no idea how it helps to receive them.  I may only be able to pick them up on odd occasions – but they make all the difference.