A day of mixed emotions

The rage of the last two weeks finally subsided last night!  What followed was, I suppose, interesting!

Peaceful acceptance or acknowledgement was what I was expecting.  Peaceful ‘anything’ was not what I gave myself!   This was not clever!

For reasons that are not clear I apparently decided to rerun the victim tape!   I gave myself a good dose of this on my journey home (always a vulnerable time) so arrived home exhausted, worn out, very weepy and generally fed up!  I failed to be by own best friend.  I failed to be my own coach!!!   OK let’s just say “I Failed”!!!

Then up popped B – ringing me up.  Keen to pour out all his pent up emotions he invited himself round – ostensibly to sort out my PC problems – though I think we all know this was not the real reason!  Fortunately part of my brain was still functioning normally and I put him off his quest!   I haven’t the energy or expertise to be his Counsellor or Life Coach – he knows where to go for that!  Anyway I’ve run out of ways of telling him I don’t fancy him!!

So having arranged a quiet evening in for myself, I went through a whole host of emotions – none of which I will bore you with.  But Bye2’s latest post gave me food for thought.

Those of us who have been dumped can’t avoid the ‘victim’ label – that’s what we are whether we like it or not.  Like a victim of a robbery we weren’t the perpetrator of the crime against our marriages – and what is worse is the ‘robbery’ was committed by the one we trusted and loved beyond anyone else.  But the answer in all this is not to live as the victim.  To find a way to rise above it and turn it to our advantage!  To find a way to forgive.

And does forgiveness give us that final release and acceptance?  Is that what we need to ‘move on’?  I don’t know.  I don’t have the answer to that.

I know I am happier and more confident today with being who I am than I have been for years (maybe for most of my adult life).  I am not living in fear.  I am not trying to be someone I’m not to please those around me.  I am much more ME.  The Life Coaching has given me that. And maybe that’s enough for now and forgiveness will come in due course.

Why living by my values matters

My values matter because when I don’t live by them I spiral downhill. 

The fury abated in the end last night and  – with nothing better to do – I set off down the hurt route!!!   Blimey!   That was clever and so energising and enlivening I was exhausted by 9.00pm!!

I allowed myself to really ‘enjoy’ (more heavy sarcasm here) the evening.  I ‘ran’ my ‘figure of eight’ – several times last night, and again this morning.  At least this morning I chose the positive exit rather than the negative one I went down yesterday! 

So where do my Values come into all this. Well last night I didn’t live by them.  Let me explain.

My Default list is:

Growth – what I was doing last night was in no way growth orientated
Love – I didn’t love myself
Courage – I wimped out
Communication – I didn’t listen to either ‘my best friend me’ or ‘my coach me’
Intelligence – What I did last night could in no way be described as intelligent!
Trust – I failed to trust me
Respect – I showed no respect to me and what I’ve achieved so far
Strength – Hardly!
Security – OK I felt secure in my bad place
Adventure – need I say more
Significance – yes I gave myself significance but in a ‘sorry for me’ way not in a postive way.
Making a difference – No I wasn’t doing that at all.  In fact the opposite
Happiness – I failed spectacularly to be happy or to give myself Permission to be Happy.

So, dear reader, I hope this helps to explain why living by your values is so important. Because when you do the opposite life is grim!

Finally I think I’m beginning to Get It!  (*Can almost hear Stephen breathing sigh of relief!!!*)

Anger is OK!

Apparently anger is normal and good!   It’s all part of me acknowledging the real me and being true to myself.  Which is just as well really!  Except for the fact that I am seething!

I’ve just had an email from Stephen who has assured me this is good.  I do rather rely on his guidance at the moment!

So here I am wanting above everything else to pick a fight with Alex and I can’t.  Goodness knows if I’ll see him again in the near future (or ever I suppose) so I do feel a bit thwarted in my wish to rage at him.

And it would be no good tracking him down.  I need to be controlled!!   Also he needs to be made to listen and not bolt or shut down.  I want to see him get angry.

This is all very unlikely to happen so I shall just have to wait for this phase to pass I suppose.

The trouble is if I really lose my temper I tend to cry – which spoils the effect!  I just can’t think of the words quickly enough!

And I won’t take it out on BT who STILL haven’t managed to connect me to their broadband service!

Anger, contempt and rage

I don’t know where all this is coming from but I am getting very very angry.  I want to lash out at Alex.  I am fed up with being the understanding wife.

 I feel as though there’s a whole lot of resentment, contempt, anger, rage, fury bubbling to the surface of my mind and I want to really really hurt him.  Hurt him as he hurt me.  How dare he treat me the way he has.

I want to have the most almighty blazing row with him. I’d even like to hit him.   I want him to shout back.  I want him to yell. 

This isn’t a miserable feeling – no – it’s pure, white rage – which I’m holding back on.  And there’s absolutely no point at all in yelling and shouting at anyone else as that doesn’t get rid of the feeling.  I need to do it at him.  I need him to react – I want him to react.  To show some sort of strong emotion.  I want him to fight for what he believes in.  And yes I also know I want him to fight for what we had. What we had and more.  What we could have had.

I know I could march into my next LC session and shout at Stephen – he could probably engineer it so I do. But I don’t feel that’s the answer.  And if it was it would only be temporary.

You see all through this I have never really and truly got angry.  And I just feel I need to.  I don’t want revenge.  I just want to get some sort of spark out of Alex rather than this meek diffident attitude that he’s adopted throughout.  I don’t want pathetic “sorrys”,  I want some Passion. 

Maybe this is all part of my Stage 3 state.  Starting to climb my ‘mountain’.  All I can say is – boy do I feel angry.

And where does that leave the Alexometer today – well at about 4.00.

Finally I’m getting angry

Yes.  At last.

But no not with Alex but with the Other Woman.  I can’t believe I have lasted this long.  But it came to me this morning on my early morning ‘lake walk’.

Alex met OW in 2008 when he was away on a course.    I have recently discovered that he then exchanged emails with her and also met her on one occasion over the next 4 months.  He left downloads of these emails on the PC he has left behind so I have been able to find  out about the initial stages of this friendship.

And I do believe –  I still believe that at this stage it was just a strong friendship.

Then he invited her to stay with us over New Year.  Yes I know all of you ‘out there’ will be saying “Come on Caroline – it’s him you should be angry with.  His deceit – rubbing your nose in his new found love”  But I believe him when he says it wasn’t like that.

She accepted.  And within 5 minutes of her entering our house I knew I had a problem.  Clear as the day that dawns it was obvious she had turned up to “Suss out the opposition”.  She made it clear to me that she was out to get him and that she didn’t see me as a problem.  She even announced during our party that at the age of 42 she was now seeking a husband as she wanted to find a man so she could have some children before it was too late!

The audacity of the woman is horrifying.  The cold blooded intention to get her own way and to accept my hospitality whilst doing it is breath taking.  This is one truly nasty person.

She stayed for 2 days – 2 ghastly days.  At first I thought I was imagining it but I knew by the time she left.  I even said to Alex “Don’t go having an affair with her because she is after you”.  And of course at that stage I was unaware that she had been emailing him and contacting him.

My darling husband was bedazzled by the attention and I still think just overawed and infatuated.

Four weeks later he left me.

I have tried so hard to be understanding – to see that she might be a kind woman.  To be the person he professes her to be.  He tells me “She only wants me to be happy”!!   Dream on sunshine!  That statement SO DOESN’T WORK on any level.

Finally my anger – which has been bubbling beneath the surface – needs to explode into the world.  And it has.