Phew! I’m beginning to feel safe again

The absence of ‘B’ from my emails, text and voicemails is such a release and a relief.  I hadn’t realised how scared, insecure and unsafe I’d begun to feel until all this stopped.

I haven’t heard anything from him since Wednesday night when he texted – and I ignored him.

It’s taken a few days for that feeling approaching terror to pass, but passing it is.  In fact last night I really enjoyed being in my little house again.  I opened the curtains and enjoyed the view.  I began to start to feel safe again.  It’s only now I realise how truly scared and trapped I’d felt.

What is scary though is how someone can suddenly ‘come on so strong’ – and with what felt to me a desire to rule my life, to take over and try and control and take charge of what I do.  And all in the name of caring and giving (his words).  I felt truly hounded. I felt as if he was trying to possess me.  I felt assaulted all over again – though he never touched me.

I felt I had to hide in my house with the curtains drawn in case he turned up.  OK I know I gave myself these feelings but his actions created them.

Hopefully as the days pass I will regain my composure and the  feeling of safety and security I need to have.  This has been a very un-nerving and extremely unsettling experience.  No wonder I’ve found sleep difficult!

Kisses and Intimacy!

Yup – good proper kisses has a great deal to do with it!

I was watching Pretty Woman again the other evening (I have lost count of the number of times I’ve watched it!!).  One of the rules that Vivienne was told by her hooker friend was “No kissing on the mouth – it’s too intimate”

And, actually, that is amazingly true.  Kissing on the mouth is incredibly intimate.

I’ve been indulging in some ‘blog surfing’ this morning.  By delving into others’ blogs and following links to those who have commented there I came across someone who pointed out that kisses were what was lacking in her marriage.  And it really got me thinking.

As that was one of the things which was lacking so often in my marriage.  Alex avoided kissing.  OK I got kisses but not good deep amazing snogging!!!  And, not surprisingly, that’s what I needed.  Along with hugs for hugging’s sake and even just holding hands a lot.

So Alex couldn’t handle that level of intimacy.  It would appear so.

Yes he could make love to me. And did so!   But I always wondered why I often felt as if my body was just being used.  OK I know I also have this barrier I have to overcome due to what happened to me when I was 15 but no wonder I so often closed down.  The man who assaulted me didn’t kiss me – oh no – that would have been far too intimate.  No he just explored my body against my will.

So Alex has gone off with a woman who is amazingly un-sexy (Yes I know that happens to be my opinion – but hey – this is my blog so I can say what I like!). She is incredibly tall but not in a willowy feminine way.  No she’s – how can I put it – a bit overweight – and solid!  She may have big tits (which I lack)  – and which she flaunts. But that’s it. So I think!

Clearly she’s good in bed!  Well she has to have some redeeming features!!

So there’s Alex who has never allowed himself to really be intimate.  Who finds it impossible to really let himself go emotionally.  And there’s me having similar problems – but for different reasons.  Result:  Disaster!!

It’s been rather an enlightening morning!!  In a good way!!  A sort of ‘Light Bulb’ moment.  How refreshing!

Enjoy your day everyone!

today’s update……(updated!)

The truth is still the truth but can be looked at from different angles.

I have been looking at my ‘truth’ from a rather negative perspective.  Which is silly really because focusing on the negatives only gives me more negatives and pain.

So I shall continue looking at my ‘truth’ but now from a positive perspective.  And a positive perspective can only give me more positives and so pleasure.

Hi everyone – I’ve just returned from a good, calming, gentle, at moments very tearful, Life Coaching session.

I have been ‘talking’ to the different versions of me. (and do click on this link – it’s one of my better posts!!!) I’ve given the 15 yr old me a hug.  I have cared for the 15 yr old me.  I’ve cried a great deal over what happened.  But it’s been really good.

And all I am going to concern myself with over the next 10 days is moving house.  Which in itself is enough for anyone to deal with.

The last week has been a grieving process – something I hadn’t allowed to happen until now as – up until a few weeks ago – I’d put my life on hold as I hoped that Alex and I still had a future.  OK I know I kept saying we didn’t but I tell you what – dear reader – we both know I secretly hoped we did!!

So I’ve had a good cry!  I’ve laughed a bit.  I feel a great deal calmer.  A million times calmer than I did on Monday or even Wednesday this week.

And why this joke should pop into my mind just now goodness knows.  But it has – and I have been smiling ever since I thought of it  (and by the way this is not to trivialise what happened to me or anyone else who has been a victim of sexual assault or  abuse – as that is totally not possible to do – I know –  as I know how I feel and the effect it has had on me.  It’s just a way of lightening the burden) :

Question: “What is the difference between rape and seduction?”

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Answer:  “Salesmanship”

Reading diaries is enlightening

The clearing out continues.  So do the tears! (Today’s music is ABBA – which may be a mistake as it’s Alex’s CD!) ( 1.00pm Update – I’ve moved on to Mozart – far more soothing!)

Last night I found all the diaries I wrote as a teenager and so I had a dig.

Fascinating:

Firstly I never wrote about the assault.  Not one word .  I must have blocked it out very quickly.  All I wrote was that he’d returned the night before – so he must have been away when I went to stay – and he came into my room which surprised me. I know I didn’t have my diary with me at the time and clearly when I got home I’d already decided not to write about it.

I then found the diary from when I was 18, interested to find out how I felt when I experienced my  “Summer of love!!”   I  wondered if this would give me an insight on how I reacted to my first sexual encounter.  Interestingly I wrote it all down.  It’s clear I was very torn between succumbing and not!  And spent 4 months being gently but very expertly seduced!  I was treated with great care and consideration by a man who clearly knew what he was doing and how to do it!  (Although only 23 years old!)  And the decision was ours – taken together – consequently the experience was wonderful.  I clearly felt safe and cared for.  I said so.  But I never mentioned love.  I wrote I liked him a lot but that was all.  A few weeks later I clearly felt lots of confusion and, interestingly, regret. Reading between the lines I was bothered about having experienced the feelings I had.

We started to drift apart a few months later. And over the next year as we saw  less and less of each other I wrote of moments of feeling very much in love with him.

But then, maybe,  that’s what being 18 is all about!!

But now I know what I know it all makes a lot more sense.  A pity it’s taken so many decades for me to find out.

 

More thoughts on the inner me

Last week’s “revelation” has definitely given me a lot to think about. And it’s filling my thoughts for more time than I wish, and I can’t seem to stop it. It doesn’t help spending 3 hours in the car each day on my journey to and from work – far too much time to think and ponder and analyse. So where have these thoughts taken me.?

Well apart from the obvious, which I seem to be playing again and again in my head:-

I can now understand why I could never argue with Alex. I was running my life from a position of a deep rooted fear that I’d lose security and a firm belief that I had to accept everything to be loved – and that meant I didn’t dare.

I now also understand why certain aspects of my marriage were not – always – as good as they should have been. Why I froze on so many occasions. Nobody knows how confused I was – there I was with the man I loved but sometimes (but not always) any form of intimate contact had me wishing I could run for the hills – and I didn’t know why.

What concerns me is how I’m going to get over all this. How I am not just going to have to come to terms with it all but change my thought process so I don’t revert back to this.

I have all these very graphic details whizzing around in my mind which I imagine I need to address. And I don’t know if I will have the courage to do so. It’s all rather scary. I can’t see how I can talk about all this in detail without finding it acutely embarrassing. It all seems a case of too much information. The only person I could feel totally at ease with to really pour it all out to is Alex. And of course he’s not here. He’s off with the OW (other woman). 

For some reason I really want him to know. I feel he needs to know. I want to put the record straight.

 I just wish I’d told him. Then he might have understood more and our problems might have been less.

And of course what do I do when I’m in turmoil? I don’t sleep! So it’s back to Good Morning World from 3.00am to 4.00am (or more often to 4.30/5.00am) – a time of day I have become over familiar with these last 22 months! I know I only cure this problem when my mind is at peace. And just now it isn’t. Well at least I have a week’s holiday coming up so it won’t be so critical to be missing out on the sleep I need.

Anyway – to end on a happy note  – which is giving me my own private smile – there’s always the melting ice cream……!!!

Blogging is good!

It’s good to blog.  Even though the posts in this blog can seem rather repetitive –  when I read it all back they aren’t – not really.

I am moving forward.  I have come a long way since August when I started this Life/Relationship coaching!  And until last week I thought I was through most of the trauma.  Wrong!!!

I have changed my view – on why it all went wrong!    (Yes I know that sounds as if I am looking back all the time – but I just have to make sense and understand it all !)

Alex has huge issues with his childhood – I know because he has told me so.  And I have one massive hang-up as a result of what happened when I was 15.  So actually I think given the issues we both had our marriage was somewhat doomed – maybe from the beginning – unless we had actually sorted these things out.  That, of course, is what we are both doing now.  Just a bit late where our marriage is concerned!   And it’s just so dreadfully sad that Alex had to behave the way he did.  Maybe he needed to do that.  But – to understate the case  – I rather wish he hadn’t!! 

I have always known I couldn’t help Alex – he has to do that for himself.  All I can do is help me and as I discover things about me that I had buried very, very deep – so deep I didn’t know they were there – painful as it is – I do feel I have to do this to give myself a future which is free from fear.

Dealing with what I found out last week has been the most traumatic.  And over this last week I’ve spent a long time wondering why I was so accepting of the assault but also buried it.  The answer is, I think, – as I saw it at the time – I had no other option.

The man who did this to me was a popular and prominent figure at the flying and gliding club where my father  instructed as a hobby.  The place where my family spent most weekends and I spent all my school holidays.  Where I learnt to glide.  Had I said anything then that whole life would have fallen down like a deck of cards.  I know I shouldn’t have been put in a position to take that decision but I can see I felt I had no choice.  All I could see – I believe – is my parents removing themselves and me from the club.  My father would have lost his hobby – as would I.  I imagined that we would be the ones to leave – not him!  Who knows how things would have panned out had I told my parents – history is history and can’t be rerun!

So I chose my route and carried on as if nothing had happened.  And having made that decision I spent the following 5/6 years seeing him and his wife on a regular basis.  I buried it all so brilliantly I don’t remember feeling wronged at all.  It really was as if the incident hadn’t happened.  Except of course I changed.  I became this person who was over flexible in my wish to be included when  I met someone I really liked and wanted to be with.  I’d do anything to hang on to them and not let go. 

And as to this man who did this to me.  I did see him several years later (probably 15 or more) .  He greeted me using my nickname.  And finally I reacted.  My respect for me came to the top then as I remember telling him – in no uncertain terms  – that my nickname was reserved for my friends and them alone and he was and never had been a friend of mine.  I think he got the message!

I can’t say anything more to him now.  I heard he died 2 years ago.  Having been married 5 times – says it all really!

As to now.  I am glad others can see I have a route out of this.  Because I can’t!  So although I am facing tomorrow with some trepidation I am not going to ‘chicken out’.  It would be stupid to do so – as I need to know what’s on the other side of where I am now – if you follow me.

I would also like to get rid of the Dreams.  My dreams now centre on me being left out and accused of being inflexible, not wanted, not liked………etc, etc.  Gosh part of my brain must know it’s about to be sorted out and appears to be making a last-ditch attempt to hang on to what has supposedly worked for me for so long!!! 

Well it has to stop!  I want a safer  and happier future!  And I am going to get one!