It’s good to blog. Even though the posts in this blog can seem rather repetitive – when I read it all back they aren’t – not really.
I am moving forward. I have come a long way since August when I started this Life/Relationship coaching! And until last week I thought I was through most of the trauma. Wrong!!!
I have changed my view – on why it all went wrong! (Yes I know that sounds as if I am looking back all the time – but I just have to make sense and understand it all !)
Alex has huge issues with his childhood – I know because he has told me so. And I have one massive hang-up as a result of what happened when I was 15. So actually I think given the issues we both had our marriage was somewhat doomed – maybe from the beginning – unless we had actually sorted these things out. That, of course, is what we are both doing now. Just a bit late where our marriage is concerned! And it’s just so dreadfully sad that Alex had to behave the way he did. Maybe he needed to do that. But – to understate the case – I rather wish he hadn’t!!
I have always known I couldn’t help Alex – he has to do that for himself. All I can do is help me and as I discover things about me that I had buried very, very deep – so deep I didn’t know they were there – painful as it is – I do feel I have to do this to give myself a future which is free from fear.
Dealing with what I found out last week has been the most traumatic. And over this last week I’ve spent a long time wondering why I was so accepting of the assault but also buried it. The answer is, I think, – as I saw it at the time – I had no other option.
The man who did this to me was a popular and prominent figure at the flying and gliding club where my father instructed as a hobby. The place where my family spent most weekends and I spent all my school holidays. Where I learnt to glide. Had I said anything then that whole life would have fallen down like a deck of cards. I know I shouldn’t have been put in a position to take that decision but I can see I felt I had no choice. All I could see – I believe – is my parents removing themselves and me from the club. My father would have lost his hobby – as would I. I imagined that we would be the ones to leave – not him! Who knows how things would have panned out had I told my parents – history is history and can’t be rerun!
So I chose my route and carried on as if nothing had happened. And having made that decision I spent the following 5/6 years seeing him and his wife on a regular basis. I buried it all so brilliantly I don’t remember feeling wronged at all. It really was as if the incident hadn’t happened. Except of course I changed. I became this person who was over flexible in my wish to be included when I met someone I really liked and wanted to be with. I’d do anything to hang on to them and not let go.
And as to this man who did this to me. I did see him several years later (probably 15 or more) . He greeted me using my nickname. And finally I reacted. My respect for me came to the top then as I remember telling him – in no uncertain terms – that my nickname was reserved for my friends and them alone and he was and never had been a friend of mine. I think he got the message!
I can’t say anything more to him now. I heard he died 2 years ago. Having been married 5 times – says it all really!
As to now. I am glad others can see I have a route out of this. Because I can’t! So although I am facing tomorrow with some trepidation I am not going to ‘chicken out’. It would be stupid to do so – as I need to know what’s on the other side of where I am now – if you follow me.
I would also like to get rid of the Dreams. My dreams now centre on me being left out and accused of being inflexible, not wanted, not liked………etc, etc. Gosh part of my brain must know it’s about to be sorted out and appears to be making a last-ditch attempt to hang on to what has supposedly worked for me for so long!!!
Well it has to stop! I want a safer and happier future! And I am going to get one!