Internet Dating

I’ve just had a mini-surf round various blogs.  Linking through those who comment here!

Wow!  Clearly I’m doing very badly on the Internet Dating front if others are to be believed.  There’s the woman who has been on 189 dates. There are those who are continually “winked” at….. I could go on.

Me – well I’ve had the famous Mr Friday date – who kindly called me a Cheap Tart!  I’ve been contacted by a worrying collection of young men – way out of my age range and I’ve stared horrified by some of the photos of some older ‘specimens’ who clearly feel any old photo will do regardless of whether it does them justice or not.  And mostly it is a big fat NOT!

There have been some who are so inept they can’t even work out how to send an email!   I’m stunned they actually managed to get as far as being on any dating site.  And finally, I’ve had some interesting suggestions which I don’t feel up to taking up!

But dates I haven’t had!

And since my ambition is to remove myself from this solitary state, I clearly need to find better sites!  To be fair one site I’m on is OK – just rather sparse on options!

I must say I look forward to some more amusing encounters!

If nothing else it will help in my quest to stop my sub-conscious scuppering my outlook on life which can, far too frequently, drag me to the edge of that Chilean Mine which still hangs around in the corner of my garden ready to suck me down should I allow myself to trip!  (if you follow me – and if you don’t just have a quick search of this blog and you soon will!!)

How can I hang on to the future that I want

I seem to have this ‘brilliant’ ability to deviate from giving myself the future I want and deserve –  and head off down a path which will guarantee I won’t get it.

I suppose the positive in all this is I now know when I am doing it whereas before I would end up in ‘Chilean Mine’ mode and wonder how I’d got there!  I just wish I’d stop doing it!!

I get these moments of feeling that what I had was so much better than what I’ve got now.  Then I find myself sneakily saying “Why……..?”   to a myriad of questions!!

OK I do now know I should change the “Why” to a “How can I …..”   as in “How can I get the future I want. ….. etc”.  Questions that work a great deal better than the “Why” ones which are rather closed and give dead-end answers.

So thank you Stephen for that.

I just wish it wasn’t so easy to slip!  Fighting oneself – on one’s own – can be a very lonely business at times.  Sometimes it would just be nice to have someone to cling to, to help me get through this!

But then if I had someone to cling to I wouldn’t be going through it!!!

I think I’d better go to bed before I end up down another cul-de-sac!!  (Sorry – it was French conversation this evening – which I do actually enjoy!  And I did do my homework in the end!!)

This Blog needs a kick!

And so do I!!

Clearly – dear reader – I’ve been rather stuck over recent weeks.  Not good!  And I’ve almost become a slave to this blog. And the blog has been a plod round a rather negative swamp – yes above ground level and out of the Chilean Mine but a rather heavy, muddy swamp nonetheless.  Well it’s about time I stopped wallowing in it.

I’ve always said I would be totally honest here.  So I am going to be – I’ve been running a pattern of  Anger/Frustration/Self-pity.  Which is basically not getting me anywhere and now is the day it stops.

I start respecting me.
I start loving me
I start treating myself better
I start looking and creating the fun future I want
I start telling everyone there is a route out and I’m the one to show me and everyone else who wants to know,  the way to do it.

This blog was always intended to be one of the tools I used to get me from my Chilean Mine to the top of the mountain where the view is going to be fantastic.  So now is the day I take the first steps up the hill!  Rather than pacing round and round the bottom!!

And the walk up my mountain is going to be fun and full of adventure and not difficult. The climb is going to be easy.

So join me on this new latest adventure in my life.  Each step will have it’s own resting place – which I can choose to use or walk on from and each step up can be as shallow or steep as I like.

You will notice I’ve introduced 3 new categories – Stages.  They speak for themselves.  I will update all the posts (which is rather too many) to categorise each and every one of them.  Some may fall into more than one Stage – demonstrating the the wobbles I’ve had.    I may add more stages.

I can do anything I like – it’s my blog and I’m in charge of it.  It isn’t in charge of me!!

Hugs to me and bon courage, bon voyage and bon chance.

Caroline

PS I will post more on this later – even if it means another drink in the pub opposite my new home (internet access being slightly non-existent where I am!)

We all like a happy ending

This crossed my mind just now as I was taking my shower.  I really must get up and get on with this clearing business!  Which clearly I’m not!

I often think about the Chilean Miners and how they are all doing now they’re back at ground level and have the sky above them.  Are they experiencing trauma.  Are they grabbing their lives and new futures and soaring the skies?  I hope so.  But I don’t often think of the families who weren’t so lucky.  The families bereaved by the mining disaster in New Zealand.  Those whose lives have been devastated by what happened.  Is it because a happy ending is so much more interesting, so much easier to accept.  My compassion for those who have lost someone recently is genuine – but I don’t really want to know how they’re coping (which seems incredibly shallow of me).  I am so much more comfortable hearing about those who have been rescued from the brink of disaster and how they are doing now.

So with that in mind this blog has to be more focused on the future.  I may not be on the brink of disaster (though it has felt like it on numerous occasions)  but  I owe to myself and – as I want readers to return here – to those who visit this site to be keep it forward looking.  Otherwise it’s going to be just plain boring!  And you’ll all run away and leave me to ‘get on with it’!

So I need a few (or even many) actions!  Actions speak louder than words as the saying goes!

A Mini Action:

Why is it that Internet Dating seems so ghastly to me!!  I went on a site last night.  Quelle Horreur!  It’s no good, maybe I am looking at the wrong sites, maybe my heart isn’t in it enough.  But – apart from the fact that all the people in my area either looked like serial killers or just plain losers – I  found the whole thing just plain depressing!!  And yet I keep hearing of people who have met the ‘person of their dreams’ on Internet Dating sites.  Maybe they’re not ‘my sort of people’!!!

Anyway I’ve run out of things to say for now.  So I’d better get up and get on with what I’m supposed to be doing!!

As the song says..

There are more questions than answers.

And that’s how I feel just now.

I probably went back to sleep around 4.00 – I think.  I then woke at 6.40 when my alarm went off – which I didn’t need this morning and went straight back to sleep until 8.00.  So I’ve had quite a bit of sleep.

I just don’t feel I’ve had!

I still feel lost.

I’ve got this far so onward and upward!

Today is the last day of 2010.  I’d hoped to be ‘further on’ by the end of this year.

I wanted to be buzzing by now!  Perhaps I will.  It’s up to me to do so!!

Please will someone close off the mine shaft to my Chilean Mine so there is no route back.  So my options are removed.  And I don’t want ground level to be all icy so I slide about!

I want a solid launch pad and a clear sky ahead.

I’m having a wobble!

I’ve just spent an hour early this morning lying in bed and shouting at the wall

“How could Alex do this to me?”

Of course the answer lies with Alex and only he knows so really no point in asking the question.  He’s done what he’s done.  And I just have to get on with it.

I think this was triggered by finding out yesterday that he’s spending the next 10 days at the parental home of his new woman.  Which is what he did last year.  So nothing new there.  And I know this is all linked to my inability to “let go” and I’m feeling sorry for myself.

And still to wish he would come rushing back and ask forgiveness is a bit Hollywood – real life doesn’t happen that way.  Sadly!!

Do you know I’m in danger of becoming one of those women I totally have no time for, who years down the line are still wandering round in a sort of droopy pathetic way and who when asked how they are reply –  in a  attention seeking way: “Oh coping you know”.

I AM NOT GOING TO BE LIKE THAT!

So I’ve got to stop doing this to myself.

And thank you AJ for your comments (and your advice  and suggestions on my lack of fridge) – it’s great to know there are people out there egging me on.

So sod it – I have to live up to the current title of this blog or I’ll have to revert back to it’s original title (see This Blog page) which seems rather defeatist and I am not going to be defeated.

I have to value myself more.  I want to value myself more!   After all I told everyone at my party a month ago that I loved the new me I was finding and because of that, because of what I was learning and discovering, I wouldn’t have missed what I’d been through for the world.  Despite all the terrifying, abject horror of the experience.

Well having said that – and meant it – I’d better live up to it now.  Tough though!

It’s just I didn’t see at the time there was a whole lot more horror to go through!

I need to understand my values, learn to apply them, set the rules, focus and have some goals!

Now where is any of that difficult?? – Apart from all of it!!!

And I not only owe it to me but to everyone who is egging me on.  All those who have stood at the top of the ventilation shaft of my own Chilean Mine and yelled encouragement at me!!!

And what a waste of all the life coaching sessions if I give up now!!

This post is having the desired effect as I am now smiling again!

xxx