It’s easier done than said!

The big problem I had dear reader, and by that I mean the problem of creating a good new  fun future for myself, was I kept talking myself out of it!

Every time I created a new future for myself, I’d then spend many unproductive hours talking myself out of it.  I’d come up with more buts and excuses than anyone could possibly imagine.

Why?  Well it could have been a lack of faith in myself. But more, I think, because I had a perverse pleasure in doing myself down and feeling sorry for myself!  And a belief that there was someone out there who was going to bounce over the horizon and do all the doing for me! So the best thing was to rely on that rather than do anything myself!!

Talking myself out of ideas took a lot of energy and determination!  Whilst creating fun futures didn’t!  A lesson to be learnt there!!

Don’t get me wrong it doesn’t hurt to question. But (and a good but in this case!) It does hurt to destroy.  I was, for a time, a good destroyer.

I’ve been having a potter round the blogs I follow and take an interest in!  There are those who are going through similar very traumatic breakups.  Some fairly new, some not.  Some people are doing better than others at focusing on their futures.  These things can take time.

Or maybe they don’t!

Personally I don’t believe telling people to “Let go” or “Move on” or “Stop thinking of the past”  is very helpful as presumably they would have already done it if they knew how!  Actually guiding people to new futures is what helps.  How we all achieve that is a very personal thing.  Some will surf the internet and get all they feel they need from there, some will talk it out in the pub with their friends  – who will by and large probably only give them advice from their own perspective (which usually means they’re talking about their own issues from their own map of the world – which isn’t yours!).  Some will do as I did and seek professional help.

A case of each to his own!

All I know is I discovered that change can be amazingly fast!  In many cases not a case of weeks, more a case of days or even hours or even minutes!

Perhaps the tough bit is taking the steps to trust the process.  To give oneself the freedom to explore and accept that there are other choices and allowing ourselves to take those choices on board and to find out what happens if we do.  After all no-one can make anyone change!  That desire and willingness has to come from within.

But  what actually happens if we don’t.   If we don’t we can continue to attempt to “Not think of a red telephone”  (Not my quote – but a brilliant concept). We can continue doggedly to  hang on to our own personal  roundabout and hope that someone somewhere will eventually drag us off.  We can continue to hope we will feel differently tomorrow and all the other myriad of daydreams that we are all capable of creating.

However,  it’s down to each of us to jump.  And jumping once you’ve talked yourself into doing so is only a matter of a split second.

Having choice is a good start point

We are all 100% responsible for how we react and behave.  The problems arise  when we don’t realise that and so bring out conditioned responses to situations.  Those responses which we convince ourselves are just part of us, the way we are and which we have no control over.

Wrong!  Of course we have control over them. We may just not know it!

Yesterday was a manic day for many of my staff as they worked their hearts out to ensure the company ‘open day’ ran smoothly and with no hitches.  They were put under severe pressure at times from people who should have known better, as schedules were changed or pieces of equipment failed and those who were in the limelight panicked and took it out on the only people they could – my staff.

A couple of them got edgy, their smiles became a little fixed and I could see were finding the going tough. 

I took them ‘out of circulation’ for a couple of minutes and gave them time to air their angsts and then gently encouraged them to find other choices on how they wanted to react by seeing  the rudeness of others as their inability to handle the pressure.  Soon I had them back with genuine smiles clear in the choices they had made –  that they could handle themselves better than the others as they had chosen not to get cross or be rude never mind what level of pressure they were being put through!!

We can all choose to ‘knee-jerk’ react to other people or situations.  But we don’t have to. We can choose to trust, we can choose to believe, we can choose when and with whom we want to be seen as vulnerable, we can choose when or not to control, or get angry or irritated.  We also choose to love and when and who to love and why.  The choices are endless.

One of the great things life coaching brings is learning how to get these endless choices and so have them at our finger tips to use when we choose to use them.

So many people I know have said to me “Don’t do any of that life coaching stuff on me I don’t want to know anything more about me than I do already”

Goodness me why ever not!  Because it doesn’t remove choice it just opens up the world to more choice and more choice I believe, gives you the chance to be the best possible person you can be as you’re not being hampered by the lack of it.

Giving yourself more choices!

That’s what my NLP training is teaching me to give to others.   To guide them into opening the doors within them to enable them to have more choice.

The work I did with Stephen did this for me in ways I hadn’t ever expected!

After all becoming a life coach wasn’t on my radar before – or at least I didn’t think it was!

It’s great discovering the tools and learning to use them and then seeing the results of putting these tools into practice. I’m just surprised that in me it took so long to allow them to happen!  Once I did let myself accept the processes then the results came thick and fast!

I think what can put some people off being coached is they think it may remove choice. I think that’s what worried, or even scared, me at one stage.  I’m sure I kept that worry to myself which, of course, didn’t help the process one iota as I blocked so much in the beginning.

The point is it does exactly the opposite. Far from removing choice it just gives one more.  The choices one had before are still there. All it does when it succeeds is give one a whole stack more to choose from. That’s what’s exciting and liberating.

Anyway on the hypnosis front, I’ve now got as far as module 4 in my on-line  course. I’ve passed all the on-line tests so far which is gratifying! The self-hypnosis section which I’ve just completed took some doing as I got so relaxed I fell asleep – twice!!  What a way to spend a Sunday afternoon.  I’d meant to go out and take photos of the bluebells!  The trouble is I missed this afternoon completely!!  Still the snooze was nice and relaxing!

I’m learning about hypnosis as I believe the language patterns used will help me as a coach.  I can be rather direct! So I’m doing the course to give me more choices in the way I say things to enable those I hope to coach more opportunities to understand what I am coaching them about.

 

I have choices

I have so many choices.  I can choose to be sad or I can choose to be happy.  I can choose to be cross or angry.  I can choose to feel sorry for myself.  I can choose to be lonely or I can choose to love my own company.

I can choose to love or not.

All these choices are within me.  They aren’t ‘created’ by anyone else. They are created by me.  I can choose to create them when I am with someone else or I can choose not to.

I chose to love Alex. I chose to love him come what may. I chose to believe in him, to see in him things that I still believe he hasn’t chosen to see in himself.  He chose a different path.  So now I can either choose to go on loving him or I can choose to listen to my unconscious and ask it to heal me.  And by that I mean heal me totally so freeing me to make new choices as they arise.

This work was eloquently, caringly and determinedly started by Stephen.  His work with me allowed me to see the new possibilities in front of me.  This work continued over the last two weeks in the safe and supportive surroundings of the NLP course I attended.

The last eighteen months, from the moment I started to go to Life Coaching, right up to this weekend,  have been enlightening.  They have opened up possibilities, thoughts, ideas and emotions I didn’t know were there.  Things within me that I had no idea existed.

Yesterday afternoon at the end of the course, when we all breathed a collective sigh of relief at the end of the Assessment Day.  We all walked around saying goodbye to each other and sharing hugs and giggles – as happens so often at the end of a collective intense experience.  We remembered shared special moments when we encouraged and supported each other individually.

I was amazed and deeply touched at how many people said they’d miss my sunny outlook on life and my infectious laughter!

I learnt an amazing amount, not only about how to help others have more choice in their lives but how I can give myself more choice and how those choices can be long lasting.

The changes we can give ourselves don’t take long to create. They are within us.  All we need to learn is how to unlock the places  where they are.

And if none of this makes sense to you then just come round and see me!!  My charges will be very reasonable!!

There’s a space..

There’s a space between me and the rest of the world. At least that’s how it feels.  That gap which separates me from those who appear to have what I’ve lost.  I say appear because who am I to say if they have or they haven’t.  I don’t know what goes on behind their closed doors.

I have no idea if they sleep side-by-side each night content and happy just to be together or are they separated by their failings to communicate and protect each other. Still in the same bed but left with the isolation of being close and yet not. That feeling that ‘something is missing’ , something which they had but now seems to be a shadow of its former self.

People can be just as lonely together as I’m feeling apart.  They can go through their lives not meeting each other’s needs and failing spectacularly to understand each other deeply and yet still remain together and give all the appearances of being happy.  Maybe they are happy. That’s not for me to judge.

But there are those who do have true happiness.  Passionate and loving marriages.  Not perfect ones.  Will someone define perfect for me!  I know my marriage wasn’t perfect. But Wow it wasn’t bad.  At least that’s what I thought at the time.   What’s been a bit tough to accept these last few days is if the ‘new me’ I discovered this week, had been around in my marriage would Alex have gone?  And of course there is no answer to that!  But there again maybe the ‘new me’ couldn’t have happened in my marriage because to be truly me I had to feel safe.

Well I feel safe now!!  So…………………..???

And knowing what I now know, understanding what I now understand and believing in what I now believe, I know things can be different for me. My outlook is a great deal ‘sunnier’.

Yes in all honesty it makes me very sad – and mad – that I couldn’t be looking at this with Alex committed, as I am,  to doing, understanding and believing in a different way, but together.

But that’s not to be and I do know that. And that’s where the space is.

Now I want to close the space between me and the rest of the world.  And by that I mean I’d like to have what I think they’ve got!! Rather than the reality of what some of them have actually got!

And I know that sounds selfish because it appears I want to cherry-pick. But maybe, thanks to Stephen’s guidance and persistence, I now have the tools to be able to do that!!  I hope so.

And anyway we’re all entitled to dream!

Apathy!

Sorry but this seems to be a new stage I’m going through!

I just “Can’t be asked” and part of me just can’t be bothered.

This is incredibly childish!   But I don’t appear to be able to shake it off.

I’ve felt like this for quite a while now (probably the last 2/3 weeks).  I muster the energy to say the right things to people and smile and behave the way to make them feel I’m doing OK and making progress and that I’m climbing from “Ground Level”  up to the top of my ‘mountain top’  but actually I’m not.

A large part of me  just finds it too much effort.  I really do feel I’ve reached a plateau.

I’ve been shown all the tools by my LC and I know right now ‘Massive Action’ is what I have to take.  I’ve been shown other tools on how to focus, on creating goals, on making choices, on living by my values.  I even understand that these are the things I need to live by; that this is the route I need to take.

But I am still convinced, to the core of my being, that this future  is the wrong future.  That for all his faults, and mine, that Alex and I were supposed to be together and could be amazingly happy together. That this ending is the wrong ending.

And yes, dear reader, I do know that I can do nothing about it.  Alex has to see there was/is another option to the one he has chosen.

And I also know that until he does that I have to get on with my life and do things so I don’t turn into a miserable, apathetic(!), pathetic divorcee who whinges around and doesn’t do anything.

So I will go on smiling.  I will go out.  I will go on telling everyone I’m fine.  And maybe one day I’ll believe it and it will be true.

It’s just – right now – it isn’t.

That’s all for now.  No sympathy.  It just is the way it is.