The joy of Confusion!

I called in on one of my ex neighbours this afternoon on my way home from spending lots of dosh on drink (to be taken to the people I’m staying with when I do THE COURSE!) other essentials, and some not-so-essentials! (Like clothes, perfume and a new  radio alarm clock!!)

Bless them they were fantastic when Alex first left and allowed me to weep copiously all over them for hours on end!  They must be so thankful I’ve stopped doing that now!  At least they’re keeping dry!!

We chatted away about the attitude of my siblings (a situation she is well aware of) and she suddenly said “I’m sure your brother  tried to make a go of his marriage”

“Ah”  I said, putting a glass in front of her

“Try picking up this glass!”

“What do you mean” she replied picking up the glass!

I then pointed out she’d picked the glass up.  I reminded her I’d asked her to TRY to pick the glass up not to pick it up.  She then put it down.  “No, no- Now you’re NOT picking it up.  TRY to pick it up.”

Wow did she get confused.  She even got a little annoyed.  I then explained what I meant.  Trying doesn’t get anyone anywhere.  Doing or not doing are the two only real options!!

It’s a pity more people don’t realise that!!  After all we are guilty of saying things like

“I try to be nice to her/him”  – well either we are or we aren’t

“I try not to overspend”  – ditto – the list is endless!

Anyway, she laughed in the end and muttered something about “God help us when you’ve learned even more about this life coaching stuff!”

Clarity and Confusion

Clarity

I find my Life Coaching sessions more and more fascinating as I learn more and as I am now willing to learn more.  Clearly I feel safe with being me these days and feeling safe has allowed me to explore me.

Yesterday I learnt and explored the 4 core versions of me and how they need to work as  a team to give me a secure base to run my life.  How I can bring the different versions to the fore in different situations to protect me and also allow me to have what I want.  This was great.

I think I finally understood that if I allow the ‘fun, flexible, nothing’s a problem’ version of me to get out of control – especially in a relationship issue – then I can, and do, attract weak men as they see me as the solver and solution to everything.  So the “Nothing’s a problem” side of me is great at work where I’m paid to solve problems, but not so hot in attracting a partner as I want a strong man who will protect and care for the vulnerable ‘lover’ part of me which is the feminine me and also the one who got badly hurt at 15 and needs to feel secure before she can feel safe to allow the intimacy to be at its best.

The Warrior, fighter version of me also became over fierce in an attempt to calm down the “Flexible” me so this also ‘backfired’ as now the ‘lover’ me was totally hidden.  No one could see the vulnerability as the door had been firmly locked on that side of me.  Even at work this gave me a reputation of being over dictatorial – something that’s changed over recent months and which has resulted in everyone who works for me being a lot more relaxed and I think happier!

So all the versions of me need to work as a team to give me what I desire.  The team leader I think had got a bit confused and was trying to listen to all the team members.  I hope I’ve put the team leader back in charge!

And if this has confused the hell out of you, dear reader, then I’m sorry.  But Stephen’s discussion with LFBA does shed light on this in a far clearer way than I can!

Confusion

So given all the above. How come I said to someone last night “If I’d known all this about me when I was about to marry Alex I wouldn’t have gone ahead – even though I had a wonderful marriage and I’m glad I did marry him and I wouldn’t have missed it all for anything and I still wish with a passion it hadn’t ended”

And how come having reread my Values this morning – the list I totally buy into and I feel is right for me I still have a sneaky desire to want to resurrect my marriage.  A marriage to a man I’ve just said I wouldn’t have married if I’d known what I know now. Who has treated me so badly. And with whom I didn’t always feel safe and secure.    Is it just a hankering for the past?  Why do I have to fight with myself not to contact him (we haven’t spoken since February and had no direct communication since early May)?

And how come when I think about all these core and critical versions that make up all of us and I apply them to Alex and try and work out where he is and which version he has allowed to become over dominant do I fail to come up with an answer and why do I need to come up with an answer anyway?!!!!!

Why do I feel confused?  And why can’t I accept it is the way it is and just look to my new future?

So that’s how I feel this morning!!!  And now it’s 10.30am and I need to get up and stop lounging around in bed with my laptop on my knees confusing myself – and probably you too dear reader!

It’s all very frustrating!

Why do I wake up?

What is it that wakes me up in the middle of the night?  And why?

It’s 2.30am and I’ve woken up – yet again.  Tense & headachy  – my neck and shoulders are as taught as a bow.  Thoughts – muddled. I feel very, very wound up –  as in tension – but I don’t know what about. Nothing is clear.

In fact this is how I often feel when I wake in the night.  The feeling is very familiar.  Some hidden deep uncertainty.  That I am destined to do this on my own.

And as my notepad and pencil have disappeared from my bedside table I’ve got up and am blogging this instead.

My initial thoughts on waking are:

I want to be comforted from some unseen, unknown something.  A great wish to be hugged and to feel someone should be here to protect me.  I’m not sure what from.  That is totally unclear.  I just want protection.  But I’m not scared.

I feel very alone – but I’m not miserable.  Just alone.  Which I don’t like.

Loss.  A huge sense of loss.  But again I’m not sure what of.

And such a strong feeling of being pulled in two directions.  I feel very confused.

I have no idea what about.  I just feel confused.  A massive wish just to cry – and again I don’t know what over.  I just want to weep and weep and weep.  VERY emotional.  As in emotional.  Nothing more explicit.  I wish I could be more explicit.

And this is how I often feel when I wake in the middle of the night.  This is SO familiar.  In recent weeks this is how I’ve felt.

I’ve never written it down before.  I have no idea why.  I think because it’s so difficult to express.  Even now I can’t truly explain how I feel.  What I’m experiencing.

Alex doesn’t really feature.  Well not in the way Alex is now.

A feeling that no one will ever understand what’s zooming around in my head.  How can they when I can’t even express it out loud myself.

It’s just that something isn’t right.  I don’t know what.  Something is very, very wrong.  And whatever this something is I have to sort it out and put it right.

I feel as though I am letting myself down.  That some higher ‘force’ is marking me and I am not scoring good enough marks.  “Could do better” would be on my School of Life report.

Do I feel any better for writing this all down.  Yes and No, not really.  I feel I am trying to grasp something, some thought, some concern,  some idea.  But I can’t because I don’t know what it is and I don’t know where to look and which direction to go in.

All I know is that whatever it is, it causes me to wake up when I should be asleep.

I’m going back to bed now.  It’s  3.15am.  I wonder what I’ll think when I read this again in the morning!

This post will stay as my rule is NEVER DELETE.  And in this case I won’t amend or update either.