Bleak mood – Interesting outcome!

At 4.00 this morning I woke up in a state of abject misery.  I’d gone to bed incredibly early last night with a crashing headache, feeling totally exhausted and very low. Something that has been creeping up on me for several days (in fact the low mood has been gaining momentum for a couple of weeks or more).

Anyway my mood matched the lack of light at that hour of the morning.  I lay in bed in floods of tears feeling more alone, unloved and a failure than I’ve felt for months and months.  In fact I can’t remember feeling this bleak since last summer.

Gosh did I cry!

I got up and read my emails – or should I say the lack of emails!

Now well aware that I was doing this to myself and that ruminating on my situation was getting me nowhere fast I forced myself to think of the future but in a different context to my gloomy mood.

I ended up planning a whole ‘mythical’ Executive Life Coaching session for my Senior Management Team at work (which includes the 2 managing directors)!  I expanded the idea – making myself incredibly significant in this workshop.  I gave them exercises on listening and vulnerability.

I based these exercises on improving Trust and Respect at work and removing the culture of micro-managing and dishing out criticism.  I came up with a plan!

I fell asleep.

When I got up this morning I felt a great deal better and I’m even wondering if my idea might be a possibility.  Have I got the Courage to deliver a workshop to the Board where I work?  The answer is yes I believe I have.

Have they got the Courage to let me do so?  Now that’s something I don’t know but I’m willing to find out.  I have time to develop my Workshop.  I don’t intend to suggest it until after I return from my life coaching course in March.  After all I have to have as much credibility as possible.

I am pleased I managed to harness my bleak mood and use it to create an idea.  OK an idea in its infancy – but then all ideas have to start somewhere!

By the way my depressed state is/was self-inflicted (clearly we do these things to ourselves!) brought on by watching some training session videos on couples and family coaching – all of which, of course, have splendid outcomes!!

I could avoid watching these but then I need and want to learn how to help others and so have to go through the pain barrier of understanding and learning what works and how to do it.  But it isn’t exactly great for my mental state at times!

Overcoming the inner conflict

I’ve been having a re-read of where I was during the first few months of 2011 to where I am now.

Back then I was in the midst of my Life Coaching sessions and battling with a huge inner conflict within me.  On the one hand I wanted to free myself from hanging on to my past,  whilst still wanting the love I had for my Ex  and the resurrection of what we had.  On the other hand wanting to have an honest happy future where I lived true to myself and my values.

In February last year the “hanging on” held sway. As a result Stephen cancelled my sessions, clear as he was from his position of being unable to help me.  Gosh was I angry!  Frustrated with the entire process, all I could see was that I’d been abandoned to my ‘fate’.  Left in a place where I stroppily informed the world I was happy with my lot.

Rereading his emails of that time has been more enlightening than I could have imagined!  Mainly as I now see what he meant and what he was endeavouring to get me to see.  As the saying goes “There are none so blind as those who will not see”.  Wow was I blind!

It took me until mid-April to acknowledge and see for myself that ‘clinging to the wreckage’ wasn’t getting me anywhere.  To see that what I was being fed by Stephen was a good dose of ‘Tough Love’ (OK Tough Concern!!  Love is probably a bit OTT!!).  Because only tough love was going to force me into finding the courage within myself to deal with my inner conflict!  My inner conflict, my deep rooted belief that I was unlovable, held sway for a very long time.  The only evidence I felt I had that this wasn’t true was Alex’s love for me for so long.  No wonder I held on like a limpit.  No wonder I wanted him back – almost at any cost.

Yes I understood and knew that you have to love yourself first and foremost.  I thought I did.  But I didn’t.  And actually changing that deep rooted belief was incredibly hard. Even today it occasionally returns to haunt me.  But less and less – and I’ve learned how to ‘kill it’, by feeding myself positives all the time.  Not to allow any negative through my armour, never mind how small or insignificant it might appear!  Hence the change in my blog title.  “I’m Flying”  is a real positive “About to fly”  held the posibility that I might not, so a negative.

Maybe that is one of the differences between other forms of therapy/counselling and life coaching.  Life coaching pushes you to make the changes within you to give you a brilliant future, by giving you new tools and methods whilst providing a strong level of positive support and backup.  Life coaching doesn’t allow you to wallow.  (I had a Phd in wallowing).  All you can do is find the courage to take the leap of faith that is offered and trust in the result.

So What’s the Risk?

On Stephen’s recommendation I’ve also subscribed to Bob Proctor’s emails.

This morning I’ve received his email with the following quote:

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.
Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.
Only a person who risks is free.
The pessimist complains about the wind;
The optimist expects it to change;
And the realist adjusts the sails.  – Author William Arthur Ward

But as he goes on to say if we don’t take risks we don’t live:

“You may avoid suffering and sorrow if you don’t risk, but you simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live. The greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing and has nothing. Only a person who risks is free.”

So what ‘bugs’ me is why didn’t those who have cheated on us by running to someone who they think is their new “solution” take the risk of “Reaching out and risking true involvement” – if they had they might have actually found the freedom to truly live.

And my answer:  Because taking risks takes courage.  Maybe our ‘cheaters’ lack courage.

We all need courage to take our individual risks to face our futures and truly live.